The Boy in the Bookstore | l.s ✔

Ten

Dedicated to marylou2809

Louis was struggling to sleep that night. He tried listening to music, but he felt even more restless. He tried everything, breathing techniques, pacing, even opening his windows to try to make his room colder. He eventually gave up on trying. His head was so full of thoughts, he just wanted to get rid of them without concerning anybody. He needed an outlet. Thinking for a moment about how he could let his feelings out, he remembered that he had the notepad hidden away in his desk drawer. Reaching down, he picked it up. He began to write, just letting his thoughts flow to his hand.

I'm scared for Harry. I really am. I don't know why, I've never felt fearful for anyone else in my life. I feel like he's not my responsibility. I feel like I shouldn't care. I need to care about myself before I care about someone else. That's my problem, I think. I just couldn't give a shit about myself. Since dad told me I'd never get anywhere and I should give up, I've felt like that's the truth. I'm completely numb, and I'm spiralling and I wish I wasn't. Mum's been getting worried, I think.  She's trying to talk to me about why I'm so miserable, but I can't tell her. I can't let her in. I wish I could just have my life back. Whenever something bad happens, I feel like I'm swimming against the tide, like I'm being pulled under. I'm so far underwater right now, so far down. It's never been this bad before. I don't know if I could ever swim back up.

There is hope though, and I believe that hope can come in any shape or state. This particular wave of hope comes in the form of a tall, fourteen year old boy who barely speaks. The way I feel about him, the way he blushes. He came into my life when I didn't feel like I had a purpose. Now, fixing Harry is my purpose. I need him as much as he needs me. No one can know,  I can't show my true vulnerability. Stan and Ollie would definitely leave me. I'm starting to think that they don't want me around either. Am I that unlovable that even people who I've known for years leave eventually? I'm so in my head all the time, it never used to be this hard, this frustrating. I can't tell Harry I've been having these feelings, the poor kid would think its his fault. I do feel so sorry for him. He doesn't deserve everything he's been through. He's so innocent, so fragile. He makes me feel like there are still people with the strength to carry on in this world.

After writing this, Louis suddenly had the inspiration to write some song lyrics. He had been told that he was good at writing, and no one had to read what he had written. Flicking over to a new page, he began to write.

Life gets hard and it gets messed up

When you give so much, but it's not enough

When the high's too high, and the low's too low

When you love someone and they let you go

He liked what he had written, he felt empowered. He felt as if his voice mattered and people could understand. He wasn't a musician, he didn't think that he could sing, although his mum had always told him that he could. That was something Louis struggled with, he couldn't see how talented he was. Getting more ideas, he wrote some more.

Don't you let it kill you

Even when it hurts like hell

Oh, whatever tears you apart

Don't let it break your heart

Time takes time to heal it

You can't do it by yourself

Oh, whatever tears you apart

Don't let it break your heart

Louis felt a weight lifted off his chest. He had finally found that outlet that he needed. His head felt less full. He could think clearly for the first time in months. Some of the fog that has lined his brain was finally cleared. Feeling content, he got back into bed and managed to get six hours of sleep before his alarm went off at 7:45.