The Boy in the Bookstore | l.s ✔

Epilogue

3rd March, 2011

Dear Friend,

Louis and I have been together for six months now, and I can't even begin to tell you how lucky I am to have him. He's my best friend, my rock, my everything. I never want to be without him, he means the world to me. Things have been great recently, and I seem to fall deeper in love with him everyday. As I'm writing this, he's sat on the edge of my bed playing on his phone. I can't even explain how I feel when I'm around him. I feel like everything is safe, but I also feel exposed. I feel like everyone around me has some sort of x-ray vision and are able to see right through me. Just a year ago, that would have terrified me, but I know I'm stronger now. I'm not scared anymore, not like I was just a year ago. He inspires me every single day, and I always love to show him what he means to me. We haven't fought over anything in a long time, fights just aren't our thing.

I've got to go, Louis has just walked up behind me and I don't want him to read what I'm telling you as he would think it was weird. I guess writing to you is how I get my emotions out?

-  Harry

- 

19th March, 2011

Dear Friend,

I am now 100 days clean from self harm. Louis says he's proud of me, and I actually feel like I have accomplished something. He took me out on a date last night, just to the bookstore down the road that he works at. I always feel awkward going there, it feels so weird to go on a date to a store. He reminded me of the day before my birthday when we visited the store after our picnic. Memories like that always make me feel so warm and fuzzy and loved. Louis isn't here with me today, he had to study. I miss him being around, but I still see him every day at school. Niall, Liam and Zayn are doing well, too. We all went round to Niall's place for a sleepover on the weekend, and it was a lot of fun. Louis was snuggled up tight to my side and I held him. He says he feels special when I cuddle him, like he belongs to someone. I guess he had never felt that before, and it's nice for me to know that he can feel something because of me. Anyway, that night at Niall's we had this deep talk about the future. If I'm being honest, it frightened me. I still want to go into psychology but I don't know how good I will be at it. I've got to get my exams out of the way first, that's my priority at the minute. I'll try to write again soon, but it might be difficult. Look after yourself, okay?

- Harry

-

May 28th, 2011

Dear Friend,

I know I said I'd write, but it's just been difficult recently. I've been busy and stressed with my exams and my anxiety has been kind of through the roof. I miss writing to you as a way to cope, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I guess the stress of everything's getting a little too much? Louis has been incredibly supportive as always, and helped me work through everything. I'm still taking my medicine, but a part of me still wants to be able to function without it. It's strange, last month I fell and Louis managed to catch before everything got bad again. I can't thank him enough for that. Pride is soon, and me and Louis are going together at the end of June. Louis is sitting beside me, he's the one who encouraged me to start writing to you again. He knows how writing helps me to process everything, but I feel like in the last month or so I have run out of words. It was difficult, I'm not going to lie. I managed to keep clean from cutting but I had a few close calls. The best thing about living most of the time with Louis is that he can see right through me. He knows when I'm falling before I do most of the time, and he flaps those angel wings to come and save me before I realise I need him to save me. His blue eyes still shine as brightly as they always did, and I'm proud of him for keeping fighting to keep his smile going. 

- Harry

6th June, 2011

Dear Friend,

Happy Pride! This past week has been incredible. My friends are insanely supportive of me and Louis being gay, so they threw us a pride party. We used the rainbow fairy lights that Louis bought from Christmas to decorate Liam's living room and Zayn brought us a lot of snacks. Unfortunately, not everything is good. I relapsed and I still haven't told Louis. I know I need to tell him, but he was so proud of me. I don't want to lose that feeling of someone feeling genuinely proud of something I had accomplished and if I tell Louis, he's going to be disappointed and leave me. I don't even know what had caused it. I was beaten up again, this whole 'being open' thing is scarier than I thought, and now so many people know. When you come out and embrace who you are, you expect to lose some people., but to also gain those who support you to stand with you and fight. Everyone tells you that coming out will lead you to a magical, gay wonderland of shirtless guys and rainbows and fluffy animals, but that's not the case. If anything, being out is darker than being closeted. The sef hatred that used to be an internal struggle gets turned into an outward struggle of fists being thrown and homophobic language. Louis tries his best to pretend like it doesn't bother him, but I know it does. If I could make everything easier for him, I would. He's been clean for almost a year, and I couldn't be prouder. He is the bravest person I know. 

- Harry

-

29th June, 2011

Dear Friend,

This is going to be my last letter to you. Me and Louis went to pride today, Louis drove due to passing his test last week and I don't think I've ever been so happy. Louis bought me this new rainbow bow tie and a new pair of skinny jeans with a rainbow down the leg. He bought me a rainbow bandanna to tie my hair up in, and I don't think I have ever felt so confident. He wore a rainbow t-shirt and some shorts and he looked gorgeous. I was wrapped in a rainbow flag and Louis bought a smaller one on a stick. I felt so happy and giddy all day. Louis painted my nails rainbow the night before and then we applied face paint before leaving. It felt amazing to be around all these loved up, proud couples. Liam, Zayn and Niall came with us as allies, as did mum, Gemma, Jay and Louis' little sisters. It felt amazing to be able to finally accept myself for who I am. I pulled Louis by the hand into a patch of grass that was surrounded with people and kissed him deeply. Everyone around us was clapping and cheering for us. I'm at home now, resting my head on Louis' shoulder. We are looking back at the last nine months, remembering all the good things. Louis reaches over and pokes my dimples as he always does before wrapping his arm around me once again. I'm so lucky and so in love.

I will always remember you, my friend. Thank you for reading my story and watching me grow through these words. Love always.

- Harry.

Fin.