Lovelorn

03

03

Belongingness

"How long is your stay here?" My tante asked me as I dismount my bags from the carriage.

"My sojourn will be... long, tante. I think I'll stay here longer than you would expect," I chuckled. She knows what happened to me. She knows why I'm here. And I know she understands. "It's still vague. But I will work. I'll help and do chores. I–"

"Oh, my dearest Lizea. I understand. You don't need to explain, I know your teething troubles. Stay here as long as you want, dear. It's lonely here." She cut me off as she grinned at me.

Aunt Anne never got married. She lives alone in a small cottage near a river. The cottage is located at the southern part of the country. Far from the city... far from Versailles.

She is one of the most beautiful maidens in our city at their time... and up to now. Her beauty is timeless and elegant. Even without any treasures, she still looks like she's from the wealthy society. She fell in love with a soldier. But, they said that he deported. Hence, he never came back. Aunt Anne swore that she will never love someone else, thus, a lonely damsel.

I did the chores. I always made sure I have errands to run to keep myself busy. But somehow... someone still occupies my mind. I shook my head at the thought. Sometimes, I dream of the moment he'll come find me. He'll tell me everything will be alright. For years, I long for that moment. But I know, it will never come.

Tante sat beside me with a quill and paper.

"What is that for, tante?" I eyed the objects curiously.

"You know... When I heard my beloved will be banished, I never really accepted it. I was angry. He never did anything wrong. All he ever did was to become a gentleman and to love me. He was the best thing that has ever happened to me," She paused, looking over the horizon.

"But it turns out, when you think everything is going right, there will always be something that will come and shatter you..."

"What happened, tante?" I whispered, curiosity striking in.

"The King..." My eyebrows furrowed. Lyle's father? "He wanted me to marry him. Be his Queen. But I never wanted to. No matter how much richer he is to any other man, I will only want to be with my love. I will trade the royalty to a simple life with the man I love. And he detested that. With his anger, that monster they hail King banished him."

I pursed my lips together. My aunt and the King?

"That's why the Queen didn't want you for Prince Georges. Both of you remind her of the bitter history of me and that monster," she said in a spiteful way. "It will be like history repeating itself. And it really is."

I just looked at her. A moment of silence goes by, as I was digesting what she just shared. The history. The love of a commoner and a royalty.

"The universe really has a way of doing things, huh?" I chuckled lightly when I saw her smile at me.

"Anyway, that's not what I came here for. Take this," she handed me the paper and the quill. "Write your emotions. This is how I managed to keep my sanity while my heart was dwelling."

"But I'm not good at writing. I only learnt a few, and I was taught by..." I trailed off. Understanding my uncompleted statement, she just smiled as she went back to her errand.

I just stared at the blank piece of paper.

Will this really work?

I pressed the tip of the quill on the paper, compensating what I should write, but I think my hand and my heart are already working together to spill my bottled feelings on the blank paper.

She loved to fast and fell too hard
Her own foolishness made her scarred
Will she ever find inner peace?
Will her pain ever cease?

Why was she always the fool?
What did she do to life be so cruel?
She is so tired to lament
Silently suffering as the punishment

Losing her faith in life and in God
Were they all just a fraud?
Did she do something to not deserve love?
The things she would always think of

Where was the joy? The contentment and the laughter?
What happened to her happily ever after?

I read it again and again. And the thought never left my mind.

It's beautiful.

This piece caused something to ignite in me. A day would not go by without me writing something. Whether it only be one piece or more. Once, I ran out of paper, and in the middle of the night finding some. Tante scolded me, though. But it was all worth it.

On my seventh and my last year staying with Aunt Anne, I wrote something very close to my heart. I feel like this is one of the best piece I ever wrote.

I never belonged anywhere.
Not on my hometown.
Not on my aunt's town.

Even when the time I met you,
I knew that I will never belong
even in between the spaces–
like fissures and blank pages.

Like the moment you asked about the stars
I said yes in reply of the sun,
though you meant
the constellations from afar.

Like the beat of our heart
and the time we spent for each other,
even without the warmth
of our arms wrapped around
each other.

And though our hearts
got nearer and closer
our story goes further
and farther.

As how season changes
so does the weather.
Blooming roses,
in fall they wither.

Rain drizzles
by the end of summer.
And when I asked for some more,
your presence flashed like thunder.

Rainbows filled your absence,
hitting me in realization
that even in the most beautiful storms,

I don't belong
any longer.

I folded the paper and hid it on my pocket. I started smiling when I saw momma came running down the staircase to hug me. After the years, I finally had the courage to come back.

I looked at the vast castle in front of me as all the memories came rushing back.