Through Fire And Water

Fate is the Worst

My will had completely disappeared. I had no desire to exist so much as marry the supposed god beside me, but I felt I needed to go along with his plans anyways. I listened numbly as Rey planned out our wedding, my gaze fixed on my limp hands. They sat heavily in my lap as if they were no more than hunks of flesh, muscle and bone, and I actually found myself convincing myself that that was, in fact, all they were. They had no more will to move, just as I had no more will to move them, and were therefore ultimately useless to me.

I curled up in my bed alone that night. I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about Aragorn and the Council I had accidentally almost destroyed. His eyes as he admitted his true worries of continuing the journey with the Ring.

Am I a coward? His face haunted me as I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up in Lothlórién. I was sitting beside a tree, the Fellowship snoring peacefully behind me. I was holding a dagger. Aragorn appeared next to me, sitting down quietly so as not to disturb the others. "We'll be leaving in the morning. You should get some rest, Jenakin."

But I wasn't thirteen anymore, and the quest to destroy the Ring had been completed without me. I didn't say anything and continued to stare down at the dagger in my hands.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, turning to face me.

I sighed deeply, looking up at the kingdom before me. "I don't want to do this," I whispered. "I don't want to be trapped in the fate I made for myself."

"And what fate would that be?" he asked with a smile.

"The fate where I have to marry some creepy god in order to keep you safe," I said bitterly, squeezing the handle. "The fate where I'm too scared of myself to try and change my fate. The fate where I'm too powerful for my own good and could ultimately end up hurting or even killing my loved ones." I looked back down at the blade. "The fate I could never bring myself to fight against."

"It is true that our fate is what we make it," Aragorn said thoughtfully. "But it is also true that our fate is never set in stone. Our fate can change through our choices, and by which battle we choose to fight."

"How do I know when to fight?" I asked as I finally looked up at him, my eyes full of tears. "How do I know what choice to make?"

"That is your decision alone," he said calmly, smiling warmly at me. "But of course, it is important that you remember your past and if or how you wish it to shape your future.

"It is true that the road to fate is never an easy one. What kind of road would be worth traveling were it without hardship? Those you love and cherish can certainly help you choose which path to take, but only you can make the final choice."

Aragorn put his hand on my shoulder. "Sometimes our choices will hurt those around us, but that is something we all must face. In the end, you must do what feels right."

I wiped a tear from my cheek. "Fate is way too difficult." He chuckled in agreement.

Days later I woke up with several ladies I didn't recognize in my room. I would have panicked if not for two things: one being the dress, makeup kit and hair instruments they held; and the other being my inability to feel anything anymore. No matter what I did, I only ever felt numb anymore. I calmly climbed out of the bed and allowed the women to begin their work.

Right, I thought. Today's the wedding. No emotions welled up inside of me and threatened to spill out. I stood where they indicated and allowed them to begin dressing me. They were mercifully slow and precise. All I needed was a few pricks from their needles and I'd be good to go, but they were too precise for such luck.

I caught my gaze in the mirror as I looked at myself. I looked like a mannequin. I wanted to both laugh and cry at the sight but didn't have the energy to summon either one. I turned from the mirror as I followed the old women outside the door directly into a clearing. There was a long white sheet laid on the ground and an alter at the end. Two men stood at the end of it, waiting. One of the women carefully gave me a bouquet of flowers I didn't know the name of and ushered me onto the sheet. Violin music began to play and cherry blossom petals began to fall from the sky. I looked up at them as I started forward. I then dropped my gaze to the sheet, watching it crumple as my bare feet advanced across it. Finally I reached the end and was forced to look up at Rey, who stood just in front of me. He was smiling, his eyes full of tears. I looked away and stepped up beside him, accepting his hands as the flowers were taken from me.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today..." the priest started. Even though I knew I shouldn't be, I was mildly surprised at how traditional Rey was going with the wedding. We stood under a tree, surrounded by flowers and falling petals without the inconvenience of allergies interfering with the ceremony. Part of me was tempted to sneeze just for the heck of it.

I found something screaming within myself. Begging to be released. At first I ignored it, trying to focus on the men before me. They faded out slightly as I found myself looking at a locked door within my own mind. I was vaguely aware of Rey turning to look at me as he started saying his vows. I approached the door and listened to the voice within as it howled, pleading with me to let it out. I touched the door, feeling it burn my finger tips. My lips began moving on their own as I monotonously repeated the lines I had forced myself to practice over and over again the past few days.

Sometimes our choices will hurt those around us, but that is something we all must face. In the end, you must do what feels right.

The creature behind the door screamed and I gripped the knob, throwing it open. Heat rushed into my skin as I snapped back to reality and I heard Rey say "I do."

The priest turned to me. "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, for rich and for poor as long as you both shall live?"

Something snapped in my head.