Aisyah's open diary

NUMB

Hi, this letter is for you. Just think of you as a friend. Because I do.

Do you ever feel like you don't wanna make deal of anything in your life?

Acting like you don't care over serious matter?

Because honestly I act like I don't care anymore over my studies and my families. There's a lies lying in my family.

Dishonesty,

Betrayal,

Liar

Ignorant

But I still love my mom.

I want to love my dad deeply but I cannot deny the fact he's cheating on my mom.

Why is it I'm the only one who care for all of this?

I am hurt. Yes. Sometimes I do ask myself.. did my family is going to fall apart?

Why my family didn't wanna come together. Why should I feel this? Why we're hiding our feelings?

I seriously don't blame god for that but I always put that weigh on myself. Like I have to take every responsibilities.

I told you that I don't want to acknowledge this feeling. The feeling of depression.

Because I'm afraid I will get hurt again. Feeling hurtful once again?

God says things happen because He wants to raised me up.. so that I can stand alone.

But what I envision is when become stronger.

I used to feel hurt when problem arises

But now I am just numb and don't know what to do

Nothing can hype me up anymore.

I don't wanna tell anybody cuz nobody will care or feel what I'm feeling. So maybe I'm better off alone and feel this pain and cry through the night

I don't wanna tell anybody cuz nobody will care or feel what I'm feeling

I cannot tell people what I'm feeling. So what did I do? I create and imaginative stories. A stories that makes me feel better but not solving the problem. It's temporary.

I want to give love but I already lost trust over men.