Surrender

Wednesday, June 23, 1999

3:55pm

"Hey."
I keep my head buried in my arms. I don't want him to see me crying again. I know he won't laugh at me-neither of them would ever laugh at me. But I really don't even know why I'm crying and I wish it would just stop but it won't and I can't and I hate it, hate it, hate it.
He sits down in the sidewalk next to me and she sits down on the other side of me. I still don't look up and I'm still sad, but I don't want them to leave because it feels nice with them here.
"This might make you feel better," she says. "I made us both one at school today." She doesn't ask me to look up so I don't, but I can feel her put something on my knee.
I don't move. I don't like getting presents and I don't want her to see me look at it. I keep my head down and keep crying and wish that I knew what was wrong with me. Something's wrong with me or I wouldn't feel like this every time it happens. Because it's supposed to happen. That's what Daddy tells me, anyway. It's supposed to happen and I have to stop crying because it makes him so, so sad when I cry.
They sit by me for a long, long time but I don't know how long because I don't know if hours are longer than minutes. He leans over and whispers in my ear. "Don't forget what I told you. Remember what you need to do when you're sad?"
I nod into my arm, but I don't look up at him. I have been doing what he said I should do when I get sad, but sometimes I'm still sad, anyway. They stay for a few more hours or minutes, but then she stands up. I wish they would stay for one more minute or two more hours. They never ask me what's wrong and that's why I like them so much and wish they would stay.
I lift my elbow and peek out from underneath it and see her feet walking away from me. I grab her present off my knee and run it through my fingers. She made me a bracelet. It's stretchy and purple and has half of a heart on it. I slide it on my wrist and smile, even though I'm still crying. I lift up my head and he's still here, looking at me. He looks sad and I feel bad because I feel like I'm making him sad.
He stands up and faces my house. He looks at it for a long time without saying anything. He always thinks a lot and it makes me wonder what he's always thinking about. He stops looking at the house and looks back down at me. "Don't worry," he says, trying to smile for me. "He won't live forever." He turns around and walks back to his house, so I close my eyes and lay my head on my arms again.
I don't know why he would say that. I don't want my Daddy to die...I just want him to stop calling me Princess.