Surrender

Saturday, October 27, 2013

8:05pm

I give both Louis and Max a hug in the parking lot of the gallery. The gallery showing has ended and Harry and I are going back to his place. I know I should be nervous about what might happen between us tonight, but I'm not nervous at all. Everything with him feels right. Well, everything except the phrase that keeps repeating over and over in my head.... "I love you, Hope."

I want to ask him about it, but I can't find the right moment. The gallery showing certainly wasn't the place to bring it up. Now seems like a good time, but every time I open my mouth to do it, I clamp it shut again. I think I'm more afraid of who she is and what she means to him than I am of actually working up the nerve to bring it up. The longer I put off asking him about it, the longer I have before I'm forced to learn the truth.

"You want to grab something to eat?" he asks, pulling out of the parking lot.

"Yeah," I say quickly, relieved that he interrupted my thoughts. "A cheeseburger sounds good. And cheese fries. And I want a chocolate milkshake." He laughs and takes my hand in his.

"A little demanding are we, Princess?" I let go of his hand and turn to face him.

"Don't call me that," I snap.He glances at me and can more than likely see the anger on my face, even in the dark.

"Hey," he says soothingly, picking up my hand again. "I don't think you're demanding, Blair. It was a joke." I shake my head.

"Not demanding. Don't call me princess. I hate that word." He gives me a sidelong glance, then shifts his eyes back to the road.

"Okay." I turn my gaze out the window, trying to get the word out of my head. I don't know why I hate nicknames so much, but I do. And I know I overreacted just now, but he can never call me that again. He also shouldn't call me by the name of any of his ex-girlfriend's either. He should just stick to Blair...it's much safer.

We drive in complete silence and I become increasingly more regretful for reacting like I did. If anything, I should be more upset by the fact that he called me by another girl's name than by referring to me as Princess. It's almost like I'm displacing my anger because I'm too afraid to bring up what's really bothering me. Honestly, I just want a drama-free night with him tonight. There'll be plenty of time to ask him about Hope another day.

"I'm sorry, Harry." He squeezes my hand and pulls it onto his lap, but doesn't say anything else.

When we pull into his driveway, I get out of the car. We never did stop for food, but I don't even feel like bringing it up now. He meets me at the passenger door and wraps his arms around me and I hug him back. He walks me until my back is against the car and I press my head to his shoulder, breathing in the scent of him. The awkwardness from the drive here still lingers, so I attempt to ease myself against him in a relaxing way to let him know I'm not thinking about it. He's lightly stroking his fingers up and down my arms, covering me in chills.

"Can I ask you something?" he says.

"Always." He sighs, then pulls back and looks at me.

"Did I freak you out Monday? In my car? If I did, I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me. I'm not a pussy, I swear. I haven't cried since Les died, and I sure as hell didn't mean to do it in front of you." I lean my head into his chest again and hug him tighter.

"You know last night when I woke up after that dream?"

"Yeah."

"That's the second time I've cried since I was five. The only other time I cried was when you told me about what happened to your sister. I cried when I was in the bathroom. It was just one tear, but it counts. I think when we're together, maybe our emotions become a little overwhelming and it turns us both into pussies." He laughs and kisses me on top of the head.