Surrender

Saturday, October 27, 2013

Sometime in the middle of the night.

"Blair."

I'm so heavy. Everything is so heavy. I don't like this feeling. There isn't anything physically on my chest, but I feel a pressure unlike anything I've ever felt. And sadness. An overwhelming sadness is consuming me, and I have no idea why. My shoulders are shaking and there are sobs coming from somewhere in the room. Who's crying?

Am I crying?

"Blair, wake up." I feel his arm around me. His cheek is pressed against mine and he's behind me, holding me tightly against his chest. I grab his wrist and lift his arm off of me. I sit up on the bed and look around. It's dark outside. I don't get it. I'm crying. He sits up beside me and turns me toward him, brushing at my eyes with his thumbs.

"You're scaring me, babe." He's looking at me and he's worried. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to regain control, because I have no idea what the hell is happening and I can't breathe. I can hear myself crying and I can't inhale a breath because of it. I look at the clock on the nightstand and it says three. Things are starting to come back into focus now, but...why am I crying?

"Why are you crying, babe?" Harry asks. He pulls me to him and I let him. He feels safe. He feels like home when I'm wrapped up in him. He holds me and rubs my back, kissing the side of my head every now and then. He keeps saying,"Don't worry," over and over and he holds me for what feels like forever.

The weight gradually lifts off my chest, the sadness dissipates and I'm eventually no longer crying.

I'm scared though, because nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Never in my life have I felt sadness this unbearable, so how could it feel so real from a dream?

"You okay?" he whispers. I nod against his chest. "What happened?" I shake my head.

"I don't know. I guess it was a bad dream."

"Want to talk about it?" He soothes my hair with his hands. I shake my head.

"No. I don't want to remember it." He hugs me for a long time, then kisses me on the forehead.

"I don't want to leave you, but I need to go. I don't want you to get in trouble." I nod, but I don't release my grip. I want to beg him not to leave me alone, but I don't want to sound desperate and terrified. People have bad dreams all the time; I don't understand why I'm responding like this.

"Go back to sleep, Blair. Everything's okay, you just had a bad dream." I lay back down on the bed and close my eyes. I feel his lips brush against my forehead, and then he's gone.