They're Back

8

James POV

We soon defeated Sendak, and freed Earth. The Garrison threw a huge party, complete with music, drinks and food. It was a joyous occasion. Earth was finally free of the Galra threat, and we could rest, at least for now. I stood on the edge of the party, my face just barely illuminated by the lights. The rest of the MFES were out being social, and being congratulated for all their hard work. They deserved it. We'd succesfully dropped off all the paladins and destroyed on of the cannons. And it was nice to see them so at ease. They'd been really tense lately, and they needed to let loose for a little while.

"Hey." Someone said, inturupting my thoughts. I whipped my head around, expecting to see one of my friends. Instead, it was Lance. "Hey." I muttered, taking a sip of my drink. I wasn't particularly fond of the blue paladin right now. He got Keith. I didn't. "Are you okay?" He asked, and I shrugged. "Why wouldn't I be? We, well, Keith, just got rid of Sendak. Earth is safe." "That's not what I meant and you know it." Lance said, stepping closer.  "You've been acting strange ever since that thing with your dad. Are you sure you're alright?" I nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine." There was no way I was going to admit to Lance of all people that I wasn't alright. I wouldn't even tell Kinkade, and I told him everything. Well, almost everything. Lance sighed. "Sure you are. I should've known you wouldn't open up to me." "What makes you say that?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. It's not like I hated him. Lance chuckled. "I've seen the way you look at me when I'm with Keith. You really like him, don't you?" I nodded. There was no use denying it. "Yeah. But he likes you. If he's happy, I'm happy." I said, and Lance nodded. "Right. Well, if you ever need to talk, I'm here." I nodded, taking another sip of my drink, and he turned around. "And by the way, its okay to admit you're not okay sometimes." He walked away, and I stared after him. He returned to Keith and the other paladins, who had all banded together. I saw Keith smile the second he saw Lance, and my heart plummeted.  I downed the rest of my drink and went to my room. 

I needed some stuff.

I went to my bathroom cabinet and pulled out the pill bottle. "No more than 5 a day. Only take when in pain." They read. I shrugged and opened the bottle. I was in pain. Lots of it. I quickly swallowed two pills dry, and put the bottle back. Already, I could feel the pain ebbing away, I smiled to myself. Yeah, that stuff really worked. One of the nurses in the hospital had given it to me after the thing with my dad. "Now, this is only for emergencies. Like if your ribs start throbbing or you can't breathe. in either case take the pills and call us immediately." This was the fourth time I was taking them. The first had been my second day out of the hospital. I had woken up to a dull throbbing in my midsection, that only got worse as the day wore on. I had downed the meds, and was about to call the doctor, when all of a sudden, the pain stopped. I couldn't feel it anymore.

Hell, I couldn't even feel the break in my heart after I saw Keith and Lance kissing. that's when I found out this stuff works on emotions too. I could, if only for a few minutes, erase all of my pain. The throbbing in my ribs, my aching heart, the scarring and whirlwind of emotions in my head. I could just exist, feeling nothing. I also pulled out my other meds, the ones I took for my depression. 

Yeah, that's right. Me, James Griffin, MFE pilot extradoinare, natural leader and golden boy, was depressed. Could you blame me? My mom had either left or died when I was really young, (I never found out which), and I had only my dad. And everyone saw how that went. I had several scars along my forearms, and once, in middle school, I almost went to the hospital for blood loss. I remembered it like it was yesterday.

My dad had found me semi-concious n the bathroom floor, and instead of panicing or rushing me to the hospital like any normal parent, he just glared at me. "Get up." He spat. "You're a man. Act like it." When I failed to comply, he had grabbed my shirt collar and yanked me towards him. "Hey, I said-" Then his eyes had widened and he looked at my arms. And for the first time, I saw something, like care, or fatherly love, in his eyes. He picked me up and carried me out of the bathroom, and deposited me on the couch. He then, carefully, wrapped my arms in bandages. He looked me dead in the eyes and said. "You're going to stop. All of this. Right now. You're a man, James. Men don't cry, and they don't cut. You WILL stop, or so help me, for every new cut I find, that's a day without food." I just nodded listlessly. I knew better than to test him. He would do it. From then on I stopped cutting, and he got me depression meds. I don't know who or where he got them from. I never saw a shrink or doctor, never found out why exactly I was depressed. I just know that they were on my medical files, and, given the type of meds they were, the Garrison continued to give them to me.

No one knew about the meds. Either kind. Only the doctors knew, and I'd like it to stay that way. I had to be strong for my teammates. I'd seen how they'd all fallen apart when the Galra first invaded. I knew I had to be the calm one, the normal one. The voice of reason. I couldn't be afraid, or weak. I had to be strong. I had to be a man.

I took my pills and laid in my bed, staring at the ceiling for a while. I expected my phone to buzz, Ryan or Veronica asking where I was, but it never happened. I sighed. They probably hadn't even noticed that I was gone. They rarely did. And if they did, they didn't say anything. I'd been spending a lot more time in my room lately, and training. I used to have the thought of Keith running through my mind, what it would be like if we dated. But now, those thoughts just reminded me of what I couldn't have. Who I couldn't have. Keith had chosen Lance. I'd have to learn to live with that.

But maybe, just maybe, I could change his mind. He'd agreed to go on a date with me before, maybe he'd agree again. Besides, him and Lance hadn't made anything official yet. I still had a chance. I sighed. But I couldn't do that. Of me and Lance started fighting, it'd be a disaster. No, I'd just have to ignore my feelings. Suppress them, not let them show. I'd been doing it my whole life, I could do it a little longer. Until the war was over, Then I could put an end to it. In whatever way seemed right. I looked at the clock and sighed. I sat up and stood, heading back to the party. 

If I stayed away much longer, the  others might start to worry about me. I could tell that they were concerned already. They'd needed to be focusing on the mission, not my questionable mental health. And maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to talk to Keith while I was there. Get some closure.