Begin Again

Chapter 9

Once I saw my Dad laying in the same place and breathing to the same rhythm, I decided to roam the hospital halls. The top of my forehead is still hot from where Storm's lips pressed for an ever short, yet ever sweet moment. I keep replaying the night over and over again in my head, not wanting to forget a single detail. If one thing is for certain it is this, Storm gives me a sense of security that no one else has. He is like a life vest in the continuos turmoiling water of life. I try to tell myself to stop thinking like this. I mean, we have hardly known each other for three days! Yet no matter what I try to convince myself, there he is at the forefront of my mind begging me to let him into the walls I have built up around myself for the past five years. I try so hard to push him out, yet I do it half-heartedly because the other half belongs to him. Okay, now I'm really sounding crazy, he is practically a stranger! I try to reason with myself that I am insane and nothing between us will ever happen and he is just using a broken, crumpled girl who is desperate for anyone's affection. The more I think about it though, the more I start to realize I may be insane and that just might be okay. If insanity is what it takes to bring me out of the pit of despair, maybe I am willing to be insane, just this once.

As I head back to my Dad's room, all I could think of were 'what if's?' What if my Dad would never wake up? What if Storm doesn't truly like me? But what if he does?

When you stop and think about it, it is funny how many questions and thoughts can form from just two simple words...'what if'. That will forever be the question of the universe. Because no matter what situation you are in, if you made a slightly different choice your course could have been altered and you will find yourself asking yourself 'what if...?'. Those two, seemingly insignificant, words can hold so much emotion behind them. Relief, anger, guilt, and disappointment are just a few of the emotions that stem off from this question. And right now, I find myself asking two questions about Storm, 'what if I fall hard for him?' And 'what if I don't?' I cannot tell if these questions are bringing me hope or anxiety, maybe both. If Storm just stops talking to me and decides to just go on his merry little way without me, he should do it now. Before I offer him too much of me to destroy. Although a part of me wants him to stay, I fear the longer he stays the more I will give him and the more he will walk away with when he is done with me. I cannot bring myself to think of him like that, maybe he is the one in a million guy who genuinely cares about me and will not just trample over my heart before he leaves. Maybe even if he is not THE guy of my life, he might be the guy to take my heart out of the burning hell inside of me and show me what can happen when you step into the light. And so in that moment, I make a rash decision, he will be the first guy I will let into my life since five years ago. I unclench my fist and look down at the paper that he had pressed into my hand before leaving. All it had was an area code followed by seven digits, but that was enough to make my heart go numb for a few seconds. I quickly programmed his number into my phone, but I was ever so slow to send him my message:

Storm,
You didn't have to stay with me through this for the past couple days, but you did and I am so grateful for that. I cannot express to you how much it meant to me to have someone here with me.
Thanks again - Jen

Yeah, that's cheesy, but c'mon what else are you supposed to say at this point? And I realized that cliche movies and books might seem so cliche because sometimes it's the truth of the world whether you like it or not. Cheesy, cliche young love will always be around.

Hey Jen! It's no problem, I mean you're not the worst person I could spend hanging out with during the evenings, lol. Well, you should get some sleep. Goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow.

Well you do owe me a visit now because of that insult! Lol. Goodnight Storm. And seriously, thank you for everything.

As I turned off my phone for the night I couldn't stop the smile tugging at the corner of my lips and I let myself fall asleep on the plastic chair next to my Dad.