Shooting my Shot (Bucky One-shots)

Can't Let Go

Summary: ever since you can remember, you've wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. You hide your real feelings with you're around the team, but one night Bucky catches you in the act. 

Warnings: mentions of attempted su!c!de, depression, and language

Length: 1.3k

Notes: you're not alone. If you're ever feeling like this, please talk to someone. I know it's not easy, but there are people out there who will listen. 

The first time, you were sixteen. 

The second time, you were twenty.

Now, you were twenty-two. 

Every single time before this, someone found you. Your mother found you at sixteen and your best friend found you when you were twenty. They took you to the hospital and managed to save you.

You didn't want to be saved. You wished they would be able to let you go and give you the peace you wanted. 

Right now, you sat in the bathroom of your bedroom at the Avengers tower. Your floor was empty, as it normally was. The cameras in your room were disabled, and so was Jarvis. 

You took every precaution to make sure that you wouldn't fail this time. 

You took a few sips of water and leaned on the counter. With a sigh, you brushed your hair from your face and picked up the Tylenol. 

There was a knock at your bedroom door. 

You swore under your breath. "God dammit, Barnes." 

You hated him. He was always trying to get you to go out with him. Go out for a run, a walk, get something to eat, anything. He wouldn't leave you alone. 

"Are you in here?" He knocked on the bathroom door. 

"Go away." You snapped. 

"Why is the door locked?"

"I'm not going to shower with my door unlocked! For all you know I could be naked! There's no chance in hell you'd be seeing me like that!"

"You've been in here for two hours. I don't think you took a two hour shower." 

"Why do you care? Just go away, Barnes, I want nothing to do with you." 

"Why did you lock yourself in the bathroom?"

"I said go away!" 

He sighed. "Look, just talk to me, okay?"

"No!" You picked up the bottle and glass of water. 

"What are you doing?"

"I'm just taking Tylenol for my head. Why the fuck do you suddenly care?"

"I never said I didn't."

You looked at the bottle in your hand. Barnes kept trying to talk to you, but you just started to ignore him.

"What are you doing? You've been holding that bottle for five minutes at least." 

"Just leave." You wiped your hand on the back of your mouth and set the empty glass and bottle down. 

"Why?"

"Just leave, Barnes." You sat down on the floor. "Just let me be." 

"I don't want to leave. Just open the door. Please?"

"No." You hugged your knees to your chest. "Just leave, okay? Just let me be." 

You fell quiet for a few minutes.