Ready to hide

I'm so afraid of losing you.

I went home with Alec. Elliott, Joelle and Celine stayed with Blake in the hospital for a while, trying to keep him company. After all, Blake would be there alone because I was allowed to go back home, which I was pretty happy about. I didn't want to stay there any night. I preferred to sleep in Alec's bed in Alec's arms. I would feel a lot safer there.

A taxi brought us home. It would probably take me a while before I dare to get back into one of our cars for fear that the brakes could be mainpelled again. Who knows, maybe next time the car will explode just when you start the engine. Maybe I was just being ridiculous, but forgetting about it wouldn't be easy.

We entered our apartment and first of all I got rid of my shoes that were soaked. I didn't have any others with me, so I had to put them on. At least I got black sweatpants and a white shirt from the hospital. It was getting dark outside and the sun only brightened the apartment a little. Soon it would be completely dark.

"Would you like to take a shower?" Alec asked carefully. He was quite understanding and loving with the whole thing. He was worried about me and just wanted me to be fine. I nodded silently, but then I remembered that I still had my bandages on my hands. Great, how should I shower like this? "I can help you if you want to." Alexander suggested.

I was embarrassed in some way. I didn't know why, because there was nothing Alec hasn't seen of me yet, but I didn't really like the thought that I couldn't take a shower alone and my boyfriend needed to help me. On the other hand, I had no choice. I really wanted to take a shower, so I nodded again.

Together we went to the bathroom and he helped me a bit to undress. I could use my hands, but my elbow hurt a lot and I didn't really want to strain it any more. When Alec took off my shirt, he noticed the bruises that I had from the accident. They didn't look too bad since they weren't quite visible yet, but I was sure the whole thing would look different by tomorrow.

He slowly ran his index finger over it. It didn't hurt, it felt rather good. I enjoyed his touch because it gave me a feeling of safety and affection. That's exactly what I needed at that moment. I sighed contentedly and closed my eyes.

"Are you in a lot of pain?" Alec wanted to know, but I shook my head. I would probably be in a lot of pain if I hadn't swallowed these painkillers. I never liked pills like this because I found it scary to know that the pain was still there, but the signal that sent the pain was simply numbed. I didn't want to know how I would feel without painkillers.

"No, it's fine." I assured him. He nodded and then helped me to take off my pants. Now I was standing naked in front of him and I felt miserable somehow. I hated being dependent on help from others and yet I had to take it. At least it was Alec because I trusted him.

I got into the shower and Alec also took off his shirt so that he wouldn't get all wet. He took a washcloth, made it wet and started washing my body. He did all of this gently and lovingly, as if I were the most valuable thing in his life. As if I was a diamond. He didn't want to hurt me, which is why he paid particular attention to the injured areas. The whole thing took about twenty minutes before we came out of the shower.

I put on a towel while Alec was looking for fresh clothes for me. I stared into the mirror that was in front of me and tried to somehow process what happened today. Come on, Magnus. I've been through worse. I have already been kidnapped, tied up and even almost strangled. What made this accident so bad?

"Magnus." I heard Alec say what pulled me out of my thoughts. I looked away from my reflection and looked at the man I loved, who was standing in the door frame with a sweater and sweatpants in his hands. How long had I stared at myself?

"I'm sorry, I was thinking." I admitted. "What did you say?" I asked because I was sure that I hadn't heard whatever he said. He sighed, came slowly towards me and put the clothes on the counter in front of me.

"I asked if it would be okay if I gave you clothes that were mine. They are a little looser." he asked. I nodded because I preferred wearing Alec's clothes to sleep anyway. I felt much more comfortable in his clothes. I wouldn't go out like that because it wasn't my style, but they were better for sleeping. "I'm waiting for you in the bedroom." he said, whereupon I just nodded silently.

After I changed my clothes which worked better then putting them off, brushed my teeth and applied my face cream to my face. I went back to the bedroom where Alec was. He was sitting on the bed smiling a little when he saw me. I smiled back and he got up. He stopped in front of me and looked at me with a sympathetic look.

"I'm sorry that it happened." he said, resting his hands on my hip. I shook my head because he didn't have to be sorry. It wasn't his fault. Nobody could have known that. Not me, not Alec, and not Joelle either. "I wish I hadn't left you alone." he said. I sighed.

"That wouldn't have changed anything. Then maybe one of us would have died." I explained to him. He nodded and looked down. We could be glad that only Blake and I were in the car. If we had all been there, not everyone would have survived.

"This time it's worse than last time. I'm so afraid of losing you." he admitted honestly and took my hands which were wrapped with bandages. "I wouldn't be able to do all of this without you." he explained and gave me a gentle kiss on my injured hands. I went one step further to get very close to him. He looked deeply into my eyes.

I kissed him gently. He sighed and moved his lips against mine. It was a few hours ago the last time we kissed and yet it felt like it was weeks ago. I could still clearly remember the feeling I had when I first kissed him in this bar. It was fireworks that took place all over my body. It was a heat that spread everywhere and it was a wave of emotions that made my heart beat faster. Until today nothing had changed because I still felt the same.

"You won't lose me and I won't lose you. Never." I assured him after our lips parted again. He smiled a little and nodded. I loved the way he looked at me. As if I was something special. As if I were everything that mattered to him.

"God, I love you so much." he whispered, causing my heart to pause briefly, as always. I would never get used to him loving me. I could hardly wait for the life that was waiting for us after all this, even if we didn't quite know how it would all end.

"I love you too, Alexander." I answered. He gently kissed me a second time before we finally decided to go to bed. It wasn't that late, but I was just tired. I just wanted to sleep.

We laid down together in bed and Alec wrapped his arms around me. I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep. The whole scenario was in my head. That feeling of not being able to breathe, that feeling of thinking I would drown in a moment. The fear I had to see Blake die. It all happened and before I could sleep there was a tear on my cheek, but it was silent because I didn't want Alec to notice how incredibly weak I was.