Worth The Risk (bucky barnes x reader fanfiction)

Part Nine

"Not me, birthday boy"
Bucky looked up at his best friend in confusion. Who else would have gone through the trouble for his birthday? He wasn't particularly close to that many people in the tower and as far as he was concerned, he didn't deserve any of this.
Steve continued to smile as he watched his overjoyed friend try to make sense of the situation.
"Which dame do you think is capable of putting together something like this, Buck?" Bucky turned around, eyes scanning over those in the room.
There was only one other person whom he was close to, and when his eyes met hers, he knew he had to be right. He took two large steps until he was face to face with Pam.
"Doll..."
Pam began to speak, mentioning something about Y/N, but Bucky wasn't paying attention as he pulled her into his arms.
"What did I do to deserve a friend like you?" Bucky mumbled, looking down at his friend in adoration as they slowly began to pull away from one another. "Thank you so much."
Pam nodded mutely, a small smile making its way on to her lips. But Bucky was so overwhelmed at that moment that he failed to notice discomfort behind it, or the panicked looks being exchanged around him. He was so overjoyed that evening that he was blissfully unaware of the mistake him and his friend had just made.

As the night went on and Bucky finished speaking to most of the guests present, everyone began to settle into small groups around the room, chatting amongst themselves.
Steve, Bucky and Pam stood around one of Tony's pub tables together, laughing over the food and wine. Usually you were with them, stuck to Steve's side and your soft laughter filling the air, but tonight you were absent.

You were also the only person Bucky hadn't had the chance to speak to yet.
Most days he tried to avoid you, but tonight you had been the one to disappear from his sight. He'd looked for you earlier, wanting to thank you (like he'd done with all the other guests) for being there but you were nowhere to be found.

He remembered seeing you earlier in the evening when the party had first begun, but once the food had arrived, you'd vanished.

But it'd been a while now and, still confused and uncomfortable by the lack of your presence, Bucky scanned the room as Steve continued on speaking.
When he couldn't catch sight of you for what felt like the one hundredth time, he gave up and faced his friends once more. He swallowed back his concern and quickly fell back into the lull of the conversation, laughing along with Steve as they told Pam about their lives back before the war.
Bucky was completely engaged in their conversation, simply enjoying the company of his two closest friends that it wasn't until Steve suddenly perked up that he was snapped back into his surroundings.
Steve's shoulders had visibly stiffened, his eyes drifting past Pam to instead focus on something (or rather someone) in far corner of the room. Bucky's eyes instinctively followed his line of sight as she continued on speaking, completely oblivious to their loss of interest.
When Steve took notice of you he immediately became concerned; feeling down was something that you avoided showing the rest of the team at all costs, yet you had just entered the room alone and visibly upset. He watched as Wanda joined your side and pulled you into a hug, beating him to the punch.
He knew that drawing attention to you would only make things worse so instead he was forced to stay put and watch from place between Pam and Bucky as Wanda pulled you off to the side to speak in hushed voices. In fact, he was so focused on your well being that he failed to notice that his oldest friend was standing by his side, equally as concerned. 

In the short time you'd been gone to greet the caterers, everyone at the party had separated into smaller groups about the room to chat amongst themselves.

You stopped to look around for a second as you entered the room, slightly thrown off until finally your eyes settled on a couple of familiar faces.

They were hard to miss; you'd never seen Bucky look so happy. He was practically glowing.
Seeing this, the disappointment from before suddenly hit in a fresh wave.
You'd spent so long putting all of this together and while Bucky stood before you smiling and laughing with his friends, you'd still managed to fail.
Maybe you were being selfish, but all you'd wanted was to win Bucky back. And suddenly it had become obvious that it just wasn't going to happen. Joining them would only ruin Bucky's evening and spoil the whole thing.
Not knowing where else to go and suddenly finding it increasingly harder to breathe, you quickly rushed out of the room and towards the elevator before anyone could notice you.
As the elevator began to move up, you leaned your trembling body against the railings for support, silent tears streaming freely down your cheeks.
When you finally made it to your room, you slammed the door shut behind you and immediately sunk down to the ground, gasping for air as you shook violently.
Wave after wave of heart wrenching sobs wracked through your body. You clutched at your stomach, chipped nails clawing at the fabric of your sweater as you hoped that somehow your arms could keep you from falling apart.
But the blood pounding in your ears and the throb of your head overwhelmed you, making it impossible to think straight. You'd never felt so numb and electric at the same time before.
Eventually, all you were aware of was the pain in your chest and the cold hardwood floor against your side as you lay curled up in a ball. By then, your sobs had diminished into soft, broken whimpers and the dinner downstairs had come to a close. An hour had passed since you'd disappeared and although your presence hadn't gone unnoticed, no one asked.
Finally finding the strength, you pushed yourself up off of the floor to sit with your back against the door and began wiping your cheeks dry with the sleeve of your sweater. You didn't turn on the lights, knowing the headache it would bring on for your tired eyes.
Instead you focused on your breathing, counting the sensations surrounding you as you continued to bring yourself down.
You could feel the cold floor beneath you as you sat, the pinch of your jeans digging into your stomach, the soft thin fibers of your sweater against the palms of your hands, and the few loose strands of hair stuck to your tear stained face. Closing your eyes, you focused on the repetitive tick of your clock's second hand, a truck speeding by, the soft gurgle of your fish tank, even the soft hum of voices and music coming from downstairs.
You continued to sit there like that for a few more minutes, letting the glow of city lights filter through your curtains and wash over your figure as your breathing evened out and your body grew heavy.
You were absolutely exhausted. All you wanted was to be able to crawl into bed, curl up under the comfortable weight of your covers, and forget about all of that night's events. But you knew that couldn't happen.
Eventually, people would start asking questions and if people started asking, then they would also start looking. No one could see you like this.
With one final deep breath, you shakily made your way towards the bathroom to check yourself in the mirror. Your blotchy cheeks and red rimmed eyes made you let out a heavy sigh of frustration. They were going to need some work.
After splashing your face with cold water, you carefully reapplied your makeup to hide any evidence of what had just happened. Next, you changed out of your snot covered sweater and threw it into your laundry bin, instead pulling on a cleaner one of a similar colour.
If anyone asked, you'd just say that you'd spilt a drink down your front.
Somewhat more satisfied with your appearance, you made your way back downstairs and into the party.