Life in the Midst of COVID-19 (Published by Ukiyoto Publishing)

July 2020 (Part 1)

July 01. My father was admitted to the hospital. It was really unexpected. I was hurt and in pain when I saw my mother and father experienced a great trial. They went to the street at five o' clock in the afternoon. My father was really in pain and he wanted to lay down but there's no bed along the street. The weather was not that good. Thunder was roaring creating a loud sound in the sky. Rain was pouring very hard. It was really difficult to see the situation. The ambulance went to get my father at eight o' clock in the evening and the rain was pouring very hard. The sad thing there was that my mother wasn't able to bring her umbrella. She asked that for me when she was still in my house but I didn't see her umbrella earlier. That's why she wasn't able to bring her umbrella because she was in a hurry and she couldn't wait for me anymore. I saw that situation from afar because I was in our home. I wasn't able to go there because I need to watch our house and cook the meat.

Earlier, my family killed a pig because we couldn't afford to feed that due to the crisis. So, there were a lot of meat that need to be cooked that time. I couldn't leave the house for my mother told me so. It's very difficult to see and situation and I couldn't  help but cry. I really felt pity to them... so pity. But I had nothing to do for my parents' situation. I was hoping that our neighbors would help them.

My brother was the one who accompany my father when they went to the street and when he walked back to our home. It was really dark  and the thunder was roaring loudly that's why when he reached our home he was almost out of breath. My younger brother has fear in lightning and thunder.

After that, I was really problematic that time as well because I was not used to cook how many kilos of meat. My father used to do that and sad thing there I just depended my father so it was my first time to do that. I was very scared if the hot oil on the pan would reach my eyes. That's why I wore sunglasses and put a towel on my head for protection. It was funny but I did it. Praise God! After how many hours, we made it. We victoriously cooked meat.

After that one, I wasn't able to sleep well. I was thinking about my parents. I was so worried for them. Because my mother wasn't able to bring a charger to her phone. I wanted to tell her that she should bring my charger of the phone but there's something inside me that stopped me to tell her. My mother went to the hospital without a charger. And then it hit me! There's a big possibility that her phone would be out of battery. It's because her phone was not 100% well-charged.

I regretted what I did earlier. I regretted why I didn't tell her to borrow the charger of my phone. I blamed myself. I blamed myself for being so selfish. Due to my regret, I over think a lot of negativities.  I thought and imagined that my mother's phone was out of battery. She wasn't able to borrow a charger from another person because of COVID-19. I visualized that person was afraid about the said virus so he or she would not let my mother borrow a charger. So, I concluded that my mother wasn't able to borrow a charger. She couldn't open her phone anymore. So my siblings couldn't contact them. And worst, my mother didn't bring even just a single centavo. So how could she claim the money that my brother would be sent for her? I imagined that my mother would be very hungry but she couldn't do anything because she didn't have money.

By thinking that, I couldn't sleep anymore and my anxiety attacked. I was panicking and shaking. I ran to the kitchen to prepare hot milk. I purposely prepared one for my brother so that I had someone to talk to. I didn't want to feel alone because my anxiety will be worsen.

When I finished preparing hot milk, I decided  to wake up my brother but I doubted. That's one of my symptoms of my anxiety attacks. I didn't know what to do and my whole body was shaking. Next, I couldn't breath and I would be fainted!

My anxiety started when I was studying in high school. During that time I experienced depression due to extreme embarrassment extreme disappointments, and extreme fears.

Nobody knows until now that I experienced depression and anxiety during high school, even my family. I kept that only for myself because I was afraid that they wouldn't believe me. Also if they would believe me, then I would give a big problem to them. My mother experienced depression too and nervous breakdown and the medications were very expensive. So, I didn't  want them to spend large amount of money because we are just poor.

When I was studying in college, I experienced depression and anxiety, too. It is because I felt lost and lifting the world by myself that time. My world stopped and honestly I was a suicidal. I wanted to kill myself. I felt like my life was worthless and meaningless to live in this world. I thought that it would be better if my life would end.

Fortunately, God was there during the darkest time of my life. He sent some people to serve as an instrument for me so that I wouldn't kill myself. I can still remember that I nearly kill myself. My plan in killing myself was so concrete. This was my plan, I will ride a jeepney and jump to the sea from  Mactan Bridge. In this way, I knew I will surely be dead because I don't know how to swim. At first, I thought about crossing the street during the "go" signal so that I would involve in a car accident. But I changed my mind because there's a big possibility that I would just get injuries and still alive.

Going back to the story, I decided to wake up my younger brother. When he woke up, we drank milk together. At the same time I told him about my anxieties and my worries. I told him that I regretted why I didn't give my charger to my mother, I felt pity to them because of the bad weather, I worried about them because they didn't have any single centavos in their pocket.

One hour passed, we finished drinking milk and talking. I felt a little bit relief after I expressed everything. I slept soundly for about one hour. When I woke up it was already dawn. I could hear the sound of the rooster. I thought again about my parents but my situation was a little bit better. My anxiety didn't attack anymore. As I was sitting on the bed, I saw the light from the moon. I somehow suddenly felt a little bit ease in my heart. Watching the light gives me hope.

Hope that one day everything will be forgotten. The pains and challenges we experienced will be just a shade of memory. And we will be happy talking with all these experiences. One day, these challenges will serve as an inspiration to the people as I will write or tell them how God works in our lives in the middle of difficulty or comfort. In short, I will use myself to tell this testimony to the people. One day...

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BOTTOM LINE

1. Always put in mind the value of life.

2. Never give up. Trials are just temporary in your life.

3. You are never alone because God is always by your side all the time.

4. As an individual we should learn to be independent from our parents.

5. Learn to forgive.

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Glory to God!