Vent Entries

Say goodbye to me because I don't know.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: suicidal thoughts, self harm, depression, blood mention, suicidal ideation.

—-

I don't know how to feel on days where I want to kill myself. Or on days where I'm fine one moment and wanting to die the next.

I don't know how to tell my family that they make me not want to live because of the way they treat me.....

I don't know what to tell my grandma when we just celebrated her beating cancer and now someone's gotta tell her her eldest grandchild killed herself....

I don't know how to tell my best friend that I don't want to exist anymore. That I just want to take a nap and never wake up.....

I don't know how to tell my other friends that days like this I'm not good company because I can't focus on what you're saying because all I can focus on is the blood rushing through my veins and how I want to cut myself open and watch it POUR......

I don't know how to explain to my dog what death is. That one day I won't be around to pet her anymore. Just like her sister...

I don't know what to message my internet friends, when one day I won't message back and the screen will say "LAST LOGGED IN 2019"....

I don't know what to tell my therapist without her forcing me into the hospital because it's for my safety that I don't slit my (already) scarred wrists. Scarred from years of self harm I never told her about....

I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to feel.

.......

Say your goodbyes now cuz you (and I) will never know when I'm gonna die.

Say goodbye to my family that one second treats me well and the next is screaming at me for things I cannot control.....

Say goodbye to my grandma, who stood up to my mum when I couldn't. Who doesn't deserve to turn 80 years old, just to watch as they lower my body into a grave.....

Say goodbye to my best friend because I never want to disappoint her but I can't help myself. My brain is broken.....

Say goodbye to my other friends who rarely check up on me, and when they do it's just as a courtesy because they want to complain about how shitty their lives are when all my life I've begged for death.....

Say goodbye to my dog who always wags her tail in excitement when i come home from school. Will she even realise I'm gone?

Say goodbye to my Internet friends who will never know what happened to me and why I haven't logged in for months after my death.....

Say goodbye to my therapist who tried her best to keep me alive and help me help myself. I'm sorry I failed you....

Say goodbye to me because I don't know.