Vent Entries

No Children

TRIGGER WARNINGS: depression, abuse, suicidal thoughts, drug abuse mention, child neglect.

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I will never EVER have children willingly.

I hate kids.

I hate my kid sisters. They're adults now, but they were kids once.

I.
NEVER.
WAS.

I hated myself as a kid, though I never got to be one at all.

I have been forced to grow up. I was never a child and yet my sisters get to be. They get to be HAPPY and smart and praised, not depressed and forgetful and HATED.

They get a new tv for their first year at a fancy state college in Virginia. They get an entire room full of gym equipment that they don't use.

I had to beg my dad to send me 15 dollars for food yesterday because I hadn't eaten all day and was at work for 12 hours and didn't have enough in my account.

I am forced to be the mother for my sisters.

I am not a mother!

I am a broken 23 year old non-binary person who is trapped in their own head and stuck at home RIGHT NOW having to watch their 18 year old sister and her drug addict friend watch tv because dad doesn't trust them alone!

I can't trust myself sometimes! Why do you trust me to be a parent when I cant even trust myself not to KILL MYSELF one day?

I will never have children. I hate children. I never was one. I wouldn't know how to be one if I had the chance to go back in fucking time and be a kid again.

The person who gave birth to me is not my mum. My dad is barely my dad.

I asked him to watch me take medication tonight because it's a new med and I AM SCARED. He walked in the door, handed my 18 year old sister dinner (I wasn't allowed to order with them, it's too expensive) and walked back out to go to his brother's house to hang. He told me to 'keep an eye on your little sister'. I asked him again to stay and watch me take my meds.

He didn't hear me.

He forgot me.

AGAIN.

He forgets I'm there all the time.
My mother never let me forget that though.
I don't know which one is worse: being the centre for a abusive parent or being forgotten by them?

I had to call all 9 of the people in my contacts list on my phone so someone could watch me take my meds correctly.

no one answered.

I took my meds alone.

I'm still scared.

I don't think I will ever not be scared.

I am 23 years old. I feel 80. I was never a child. I was hardened by abuse, mental illness and neglect.

I'm sitting in the kitchen, watching my sister and her dumb friend watch a stupid movie I wouldn't have been allowed to watch at their age. They laugh, carefree, and I want to cry.

If I ever was a child, they died.

I will never have children willingly.