Vent Entries

Sprinklers in my yard

TRIGGER WARNINGS: depersonalisation, numbness, verbal abuse referenced, depression, disassociation.

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Did you know that in our entire backyard of our house, that only one sprinkler works?

There were more when I was a kid. I remember dancing in them when it hadn't rained and was too hot to do anything else. we didn't go to a pool back then, but I already knew how to swim in pools and in the ocean.

I miss the ocean.

It's 5:51 in the morning, and it's very quiet. I haven't said a single word out loud on the porch of our house.

My thoughts are more quiet than usual. That's surprising.

The world is just waking up, even though I haven't slept all night again. I don't want the silence to end. I'm sick of screaming, raised voices and angry tones.

I'm sick of a lot of things.

I keep thinking I see my dog on the grass or walking towards the door I'm in front of so she can go inside. She's not there, but I wish she was out here with me. But my dog is in my room, her ashes neatly wrapped in a wood box with her name on it. I had to pick her up myself because my family was too busy.

I hope she didn't think we forgot her.

I'm crying again. I don't like to, but it seems that's all I'm able to do lately. I don't like to cry because there's always snot involved and it annoys me. I don't cry prettily like in the movies.

The sun is rising. It feels more humid, but still cool enough to stay outside for a little bit longer.

I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm not even sure I can. I feel something specific but I can't remember the word.

.....Shattered.....That's the word.

It's getting hot now. And sunny. I don't really like the sun, though I appreciate everything it does for us. I like the Moon. She's kind.

I'm going inside. But I want to remember this moment, this morning, because it was the most quiet I've felt in months.

Oh, one last thing: i might not be ok now, i probably won't be ok for a long time; but when I am ok again, remember this second, this moment, this quiet morning when the single sprinkler in the backyard of our house was on, and you watched from the steps of the porch and just sat (and cried a lot, but that's common for you now).