Around the Bend - A Confessional

Insecurity

I know that you distance yourself

so that when you are not chosen

by the people that you choose

it hurts less.

I wish to love myself,

as much as he loved the bees.

the bees that float around,

spreading happiness and joy.

-I guess I never quite was your type.

as I type "I miss you"

I think to myself

I should really be saying

"I miss myself."

I know that I deserve better

than someone that takes without giving,

yet here I am,

filling the void that you left

with convenient bodies.

                             

my insecurities

lead me to believe

that I am in competition

with the girls that are struggling

in the same ways that I am

I see you.

in your sunday best,

with your family,

full of love

and full of grace

I envy you.

as I sit here

in my home

all alone.

you say that my eyes are colored like the earth

dark brown like the east Texas pinecones,

but when I look in the mirror,

all I see is dirt.

at some point,

I'd like to stop looking for validation

from the men who've sworn

that I never would find it.

I think I've had one too many

persons of interest

give up on me.

because now,

I cannot let go of the people,

that matter to me.

am I not worthy?

because he couldn't handle my emotions?

am I not worthy?

because he couldn't handle long distance?

am I not worthy?

because his family makes his decisions for him?

am I not worthy?

because he wouldn't fight for me?

these are the questions

that I ask myself at night.

every hurtful thing that you've ever said to me

turns into every song that I scream

alone in my car.

and when I go inside,

I am healed, for a little while.

 

playing with the emotions of others

is the only thing that I am capable of

because it's the only thing

that he taught me how to do.

is it settling

to know that you love deeper than others

but to understand all the same

that they can love you

in their own way.

the words that he said to me

"bitch"

"I hate you"

"you ruined my life"

were the friendly fire

to my self-esteem.

he asked me why I don't believe him

I know what hope is

and that's why I'm afraid.

even after all of the sacrifices that I've made for you

it troubles me still to ask you to do the same for me.

even the one good guy

that I thought I could trust

told me lie

and I realized it was just lust

when you come back

into my life

and fuck me up

beyond repair

again,

I'll have no one to blame,

but myself.

falling out of love

is something I have never

been capable of.

as we talked about our fears you say:

"You take care of the spiders,

I'll take care of the snakes."

Technically, we've just said our wedding vows,

but commitment is another big fear of mine.

4:27 am

my phone rings and

my heart says yes

but my head says no

he's just messing with your head

you know better instead,

"hello?"

he's perfect

not like the cowardly men I've dated before

he doesn't use me to collect

his validation and just ignore.

he loves me,

but I just couldn't see.

I always get anxiety

when I feel disappointment looming.

I try to do better,

attempting to fix what has broken.

Somehow, I never feel good enough.

my emotions are hard to control

and the wrath I feel most of the time

is the only thing that makes me feel whole.