If I Ask You to Stay (A BTS Jin Fanfiction)

Chapter 27: Disillusion

(Jin) - Disillusion

"Bella?" I asked, standing outside her bedroom door. "What was that about? What just happened?"

She sighed. "It's a long story. I'm sorry, but I feel really tired and---"

"Wait," I interrupted her and closed the gap between us in a few strides. "What's going on? You said you weren't with Jimin. You said he wasn't your boyfriend. What was that about staying with him? Do you mean you and he are still a couple? What about us? I thought we had a connection. I thought there was something..." My voice trailed away as I looked into her eyes.

She looked away, and I felt my heart sink just a little.

I placed my hands on her shoulders. "Please, look at me. Talk to me.  Are you still in a relationship with him?"

She bit her lip. "I-I guess in a way you can say that.  It's not that simple." She twisted her face away from mine. "It's hard to explain. Jimin and I...we've been through a lot together. You don't know." She paused. "I can't just leave him."

I shook my head. "I don't understand. Why not? What is it that keeps you at his side when he has hurt you in the past? Do you...love him?"

"I-I don't know. I guess I do. In a way," she stuttered.

"You can't possibly love him and do this with me!"

She looked at me in alarm. "Do what?"

"This," I whispered and kissed her. It was soft and gentle, as if our lips were melting together. I wanted her to feel the tender emotions that ran between us. When I moved back, I could hear her uneven breathing.

"And this," I said, but the second kiss I gave her then was not gentle. I wanted her to acknowledge the uncontrollable passion between us as well. My teeth grazed her lower lip, and my tongue forced its way into her mouth. I slid one arm around her shoulders and another around her waist, pulling her closer into my body. The kiss was raw and savage and seemed to go on forever, and she threw her arms around me.

I finally pulled away and leaned my forehead on the top of her head. "You are driving me insane, woman," I said breathlessly. "First, you say you're not with Jimin, but then I hear you promise to see him later, to stay with him---all of this after we were making out on the couch. And when we kiss---I don't understand."

"I'm...not...with him...actually," she murmured and moved away from me.

"If you're not with Jimin, then why can't you be with me?" I pulled her back, and her body melded perfectly into mine. I ran my hand along the gentle curve of her hip. "Tell me. Tell me why," I insisted, still holding her tightly.

She pulled away from me and motioned toward the couch. She took a deep breath. "I've known him since we were kids. My older brother and he were best friends. We all grew up together. Jimin and Troy were inseparable, and they sometimes allowed me to tag along." She paused, but I urged her to continue.

"When Troy turned fifteen, he no longer wanted his thirteen-year-old sister hanging around with them. They started to exclude me, and I was sad. But it was mostly because I had started to like Jimin, and he liked me. He asked Troy for permission to ask me out. At first my brother was angry and refused and threatened to beat him, but when he saw how sad I was, he changed his mind. He made Jimin promise that he would always take care of me. So he and I started dating. Then...then on Troy's birthday, he and Jimin got drunk. There was an accident." She stopped when a sob burst out suddenly.

I reached over and held her hand. "It's okay. Take your time."

She wiped her eyes. "T-Troy...didn't make it. The last thing he told Jimin as the paramedics were tending to them was 'Don't leave my sister alone.' Jimin himself was badly hurt, but he made a full recovery. That's why he took up dancing. It helped him regain his strength and mobility, then he just decided he liked it enough to major in it. But he changed. He became moody and bad-tempered. He was angry for a long time even though he tried to hide it. He blamed himself for Troy's death. That's when he began drinking too much."

"I see. That's why he said he hated himself," I said slowly. "He feels guilty that your brother's gone. Probably thinks he could've done something to save him. He must be suffering from survivor's guilt. You know what that is, right?"

She nodded. "Yes. But don't you see? That's why I can't just leave him alone...even when he tries to drive me away. He needs me. He needs my help. I can't just leave him to face that alone."

"It's not your responsibility to fix him," I said, squeezing her hand. "You know better than anyone. There is counseling for that. He can go to therapy. He won't be alone. You don't have to let him hurt you to make himself feel better. You both have to move on from this."

"I know, but it's hard to just let go. I feel that if I let him go, I'm letting Troy go as well, and I can't..." Another sob escaped her. "I can't do that. Not yet. Tomorrow is Troy's birthday, and we---Jimin and I---usually get together and just remember him. He understands how I feel. It hurts. It still hurts so much for both of us. Sometimes I can't think straight. We have that in common. I hate feeling so much pain. Tonight I was trying to distract myself, if only for a while."

"Distract yourself?" I said, my voice a mere whisper.

"I was hoping you'd call."

I peered closer at her. "Me? Why?" I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear what was next.

She wiped her eyes with her hand. "Oh, you must know you're the handsomest guy anyone's ever seen. Looking at you would distract any girl from whatever she was thinking. You show up with your swagger and your...your sex appeal, and I think how can this gorgeous guy even know I exist? I thought being with you...well, I  just wanted to feel something else besides grief. Even if only for one night."

I looked away as I felt my heart seize in my chest and, for a moment, I was unable to speak. Finally, I looked at her. "That's it?  All I was to you was swagger and sex appeal? I was just a distraction? You would've slept with me as a distraction?"

"You don't understand how confused and alone I feel right now," she cried. "And I didn't care if you were here for just one night. Guys like you---well, I just wanted to be with you."

"You just wanted to have sex," I said, shaking my head. "To distract yourself."

"Isn't that what you wanted?"

I made an impatient sound. "I don't believe this. This would have meant nothing to you. I was just convenient. You don't care about me or how I feel. What's new? You obviously only wanted one part of me."

"No! I mean, it wasn't...I wasn't..." she tried to speak but just shook her head.

"That's great," I said through clenched teeth. I had to remind myself not to get angry, but I'd been through this before. Why did I even fool myself anymore? "I know this wasn't anything special for you. I thought you liked me, but I see that's not the case. You've chosen Jimin, and that's fine. Why couldn't you be honest with me instead of just trying to use me?"

Her eyes flashed angrily. "Oh, please. Use you? Don't act so offended. Stop making me sound like some cheap slut. Didn't you come over here for a booty call? You came over on some lame excuse and said you wanted to kiss me. Looking like that. Knowing that any girl would find it hard to refuse you. You knew it wouldn't stop at a kiss. You know exactly how you affect women. Did I even stand a chance? Would I even have seen you after tonight? Don't act like this is your first smash and dash. Everyone knows about you. Seokjin the sex god."

The warmth I previously felt drained from my body, leaving me cold and empty. I got to my feet. "If all you wanted was sex, you could have told me that from the beginning.  At least I would've known where I stood. There was no need..." I stopped in order to control my emotions. Then I stared at her. "I liked you, Bella. You didn't have to be so cruel."

She turned her face away from me.

Silence. She didn't ask me to stay. There was nothing left for me to do except leave. I walked out and closed the door behind me. I felt as if I had been punched in the gut.