If I Ask You to Stay (A BTS Jin Fanfiction)

Chapter 30: Unresolved

(Jin) 

Two days later, someone knocked at my door. I opened it to see Hoseok and Namjoon standing there. I motioned for them to come in, and we all sat on the sofa.

"What brings you by?" I asked after a minute of awkward silence.

Hoseok grinned. "Just wanted to see if you were still alive. Some bets were made. Especially after that display on Saturday."

I winced. "Yeah. I don't remember too much except the wicked hangover I had all day Sunday. I fell horribly behind on an assignment and have been working round the clock to finish it." I got up. "Let me get you a drink." At their warning looks, I amended my statement. "Soft drinks or water."

"Sure. Whatever," Namjoon replied. "Now can you tell us what all that nonsense was really about? And don't say 'nothing' because I swear I'll kick your ass. I don't care how handsome you are."

I handed them cans of soda and dropped back onto one of the chairs. "Hold up on beating me, okay? I wish I could explain it. I don't know."

Hoseok popped the can open and took a drink. "Well, we wish we could help you, but we don't know what's going on."

"Does it have anything to do with Jimin?" Namjoon asked slowly. "And Bella?"

I froze for a moment then covered it up with a scoff. "What? Why would it?"

I saw them look at each other before Namjoon continued talking. "When you were drunk, you mentioned that he was with Bella. None of the other guys knew anything about that, but you looked at me and said I would know."

I refused to look at him. "I said that?"

He nodded. "And you must have known that I'd heard them making plans because you saw me there. Because you were there. You were at Bella's place when Jimin showed up, weren't you? That's how you know what they said and why I would know about it when I went to pick him up."

"Huh?" Hoseok looked stunned. "Seokjin? You and Bella? Really? Was she the girl at your apartment last weekend?"

I shook my head impatiently. "No. I mean, yes, but nothing happened. I didn't want anyone to think badly about her. I was feeling sick, and she looked after me. That's all. She took care of me. She made me soup." I laughed bitterly.

"Well, that was sweet," Namjoon offered. "Right?"

"So what went wrong?" Hoseok asked. "You saw her again, I take it."

"Saturday night. I was there at her place," I said. "I had tried to stay away because I thought she had feelings for Jimin, but I couldn't. I had to see her. There's just something about her."

"Yeah," Namjoon scoffed. "She's hot."

I shook my head. "Not only that. I loved talking with her. I wanted to tell her how I felt. That day after we had breakfast, I bought her a gift. A silver bracelet. I even had it engraved. I wanted her to know how much I cared for her, but maybe that scared her off. I don't know."

Hoseok sighed. "So you never actually told her?"

"Not then. I mean, I tried to tell her when I gave her the bracelet, but her parents were there." They both opened their mouths presumably to ask questions, but I held up my hand. "Long story. Anyway, she said nothing about the bracelet. She didn't even say thanks, so I thought she didn't like me."

"Why didn't you ask?" Namjoon exclaimed. He stared from Hoseok to me.

"I can't believe you couldn't just tell her," Hoseok insisted. "What if she was waiting for you to make your move?"

"That's why I went to see her that night, but nothing happened either. We were talking, things were moving along, you know. But Jimin showed up. Then Joon and JK showed up. I heard what they said to each other. I think Bella is...I thought she was different. I guess I was wrong. If she's with Jimin, then I will stay away from her." I crossed my arms.

"She said she's not with Jimin," Namjoon said.

"Yes, I know, Joonie! She keeps saying that," I exclaimed a little angrily. "But it's not true. You were there. You saw. There's something obviously between them. With one breath she tells me that things are over with him and with her next breath she promises to be with him. How does that make any sense?"

"So, tell her you like her," Hoseok said. "Tell her you want to be with her."

I felt a bubble of anger rising in my chest. "Sure! Why not? I guess if Jimin can spare her for one night, I'd do her. It seems that's all she wants."

"Bro! That was cold!" Namjoon admonished me. "She's not like that. She seems like a nice girl. Why would you say that?"

"Because they all seem like nice girls. Oh, they go on and on about how handsome I am or whatever, but that's it. They don't want me, not really. They don't care about my feelings. I'm just an object. They want the handsomest man on campus or whatever their sex fantasy is. I'm just there to play a role. They're all the same."

They both stayed quiet for a few moments.

"I wish I had that problem," Hoseok said softly. After another moment of silence, we all started laughing.

And somewhere in the middle of my laughter, I felt tears fall from my eyes. When I could no longer hide it, I turned my face away from my friends. Their laughter immediately died down.

"Anyway, I took the risk, but she went back to Jimin," I said in a shaky voice. "I wanted to get to know her. I swore I wouldn't do anything unless she wanted to. I gave her the bracelet. I-I thought she would understand. I met her parents! God! And the first time we kissed, I knew! She was the one who kissed me first. I thought she liked me. I knew how I felt about her. I thought she felt the same." I was bent over with my arms on my knees. "I thought I loved her! But she just wanted to have a good time. Abigail..." A sob escaped my lips, and I pressed my fist to my mouth. I jumped to my feet and went into the kitchen. After rummaging through the cabinets, I pulled out a bottle of cognac and a snifter. I poured myself a healthy shot and drank it all.

Both of the guys were standing next to me.

"Seokjin, she's not Abigail. Bella is not Abigail," Hoseok said evenly.

Namjoon put a hand on my arm, but I shook it away and poured myself another drink. "They're all the same." I gulped the fiery liquid. "You all think I love my life? These girls...they live for that one night, but that's all they want. There's no affection or caring. Everyone sees me as this arrogant womanizer, but the truth is that I'm the one being used. They don't care about getting to know me. It's like I'm just a picture, a snapshot of a good time, a Polaroid they can keep as a trophy. They want to see me again only because they want to fuck. Why do you think I don't like seeing girls more than once? I'm always careful not to get too close, but Bella..." I paused. "...no, I'm not risking it again. I can't. I don't want to get hurt anymore."

"But you said you loved her," Hoseok said.

"I'm not going to take a chance if she doesn't love me," I replied.

"But how will you know if she loves you if you don't take the chance?" Namjoon asked slowly.

"I guess I'll never know," I mumbled. "I don't just want a snapshot of a good time anymore. I want more. I thought she was the one who..." I shook my head. "Never mind."

After a few more minutes of talking, the guys left on the condition that I call them if I felt I needed to talk again. So what if I was miserable? If Bella was happy with her choice, if she really believed that Jimin needed her more than I did, then fine. I would learn to live with it. I would pretend that I was okay and continue with my life as usual. I wanted to hate her, but I couldn't. I wished her the best. If that meant her being with another guy, then so be it. I sat at the table with the bottle of cognac. This was all I needed for now.