"Wow, Suke, I- You- You look amazing..."
"No I don't... You're only saying that because you have to."
"Just because I'm your best friend doesn't mean I have to do shit, Josuke. If I thought you looked bad, I'd tell you, dumbass."
"Sorry, I just figured that-"
"Josuke," Okuyasu gave Josuke a stern look. "Look at me. I'm not like all the other people you know. I'm not going to say things just to make you feel better. I'm not like that."
The other teen nodded and looked down, mumbling a quick, "Sorry."
Okuyasu's entire demeanor changed at that small, soft spoken word. "Suke, hey," he cooed, his voice a million times softer than it was not a second ago. He grabbed the other's hands, running his thumb over Josuke's knuckles as he spoke. "Please don't apologize... You have nothing to be sorry for."
"Are you sure?"
"As sure as I'll ever be," Okuyasu whispered, pulling his best friend into a hug, drawing little circles on his back. "I love you, you don't ever need to apologize to me for not thinking as highly of yourself as I do."
Josuke nodded, squeezing Okuyasu's torso before speaking into the larger teen's shoulder. "I love you too."
And as much as Okuyasu wanted him to mean it in the same way, he knew it was never going to happen. Josuke would never love him the way he loves Okuyasu. Every time the Japanese boy says, "I love you, Oku," it's like a slow, brutal stab in his heart. He knows it'll never be real, but it still sets him off each time those three words leaves his crush's pretty little lips. Josuke let go of the other male and began to walk out the door, Okuyasu trailing after him like a lost puppy. He didn't want the blue eyed boy to leave and dreaded the moment a car honked its horn for Josuke.
Honk honk!
"Rohan's here, I gotta go."
"Bye, Suke. Be safe and don't do anything stupid," Okuyasu said, hugging his friend one more time. "Please," he said, so softly that he barely even heard it himself.
"I'll make sure I don't get pregnant, I have condoms just in case," Josuke laughed at his own joke, his large British-American eyes closing and his nose wrinkling up.
Okuyasu barely lifted one side of his mouth, tears prickling up in the corner of his eyes. "Yeah."
"I'll text you if I end up staying the night," the older called as he ran down the stairs. "Bye Oku!"
When the door closed in front of him, Okuyasu stood there, numb. He refused to look away, even as his lips trembled and his shoulders heaved with emotion, unwilling to back down. His dark lashes brimmed heavy with tears; his hands clenched into shaking fists, in a desperate battle against the crushing heartbreak. A lone tear traced down his cheek, and just like that, the floodgates opened. He wept, tears streaming from his black eyes, loud, heaving sobs tearing from his throat, and still, he did not look away. Not until the sobs forcefully drove him to his knees did his determined gaze fall. He felt useless, absolutely idiotic for letting his emotions break him so easily. It took only a second for all of his emotions to hit him, only a second for him to break down in his and Josuke's shared living room, only a second for his eyes to drown his cheeks in salty tears. He patted around the room blindly, looking for his phone through a curtain of sadness. He pressed a contact name, not really knowing who's it was, only hoping it was one of his friends.
"Hello?"
"Ko- Koichi... I-"
"Oku, what's wrong?"
"Josuke left with Rohan and I couldn't tell him how I f-felt and everything hurts and- and I just want to- to die," Okuyasu sobbed into the phone. "I can't breathe and everything is closing in on me, Koichi please, I c-can't do this..."
"You're home, right?"
"Y-yes."
"Stay right there where you are, I'm coming over. I'll be there in a minute."
Okuyasu ended the call and sat in the floor, rocking himself back and forth slowly, head in between his knees, looking for some sort of comfort. He should have been prepared, he knew his depression would hit, it does each time Josuke leaves.
Not too much later, Koichi opened the door. "Oh, Okuyasu..."
All the large teen could do was sit up and look at his smaller friend, shaking and crying silently. Koichi almost threw himself on the floor in his haste to comfort Okuyasu. He wrapped his arms around the tan boy and pulled him over so that most of his weight would be off of Okuyasu and on him.
The small boy cooed to Okuyasu, playing with his soft, black and grey hair and holding him tightly to his chest. Okuyasu's body shook with sobs, his tears staining Koichi's shirt. He kissed the top of Okuyasu's head in a loving, brotherly way, just as he had always done. The silver haired boy began humming, placing his head on top of Okuyasu's momentarily, just to let him know he was still there. Okuyasu sobbed into Koichi's chest unceasingly, hands frantically clutching at his jacket. Koichi held him in silence, rocking him slowly as his tears soaked his chest. A tiny lapse in the sob assault let him pull away, blinking lashes heavy with tears, before he collapsed again, his howls of love induced misery worsening. The pain must have come in waves, minutes of sobbing broken apart by short pauses for recovering breaths, before angrily hurling him back into the outstretched arms of his grief.
When he at last turned his face to Koichi, he was a picture, a spitting image of grief, loss, and devastation. His chest heaved up and down, and his body fell limp against the smaller's.
"Koichi..."
"I know, Oku... I know it hurts. Let it all out," Koichi whispered to the taller boy, wiping away his tears and placing his head back on his chest. Okuyasu did not start crying again, he only clung onto his friend's torso as if it were the last thing he'd ever do.
"Do you want me to call Yukako?"
Okuyasu nodded almost robotically, lying on Koichi's chest.
"Hey, Yukako, you need to come to Oku's."
"What? Why? What happ-"
"I'll explain when you get here, just hur-"
Koichi was interrupted by Okuyasu losing himself again. From the broken man came the most hysterical crying, the ear-splitting, screaming sobs only interrupted by his need to draw breath. It was a primal sound, one Koichi and Yukako were programmed not to ignore. Koichi turned his head, panicking.
"I'll be there in ten."
And with that, Yukako hung up, sprinting to her car.
Koichi held the man with ebony hair tightly, not thinking about anything else but his friend's sanity. Okuyasu's loosing his mind for the second time that night. He can feel it unraveling, the threads of every happy memory with Josuke he could ever once recall, now all nothing but a disarray of make believe strings scattered about his feet. His sharp knees dug into the floor as he tried to ground himself, his hands unsteady as they silently clawed at the soft fabric of Koichi's jacket. He opened his mouth, but not a sound came out, his head violently shaking as if there was a drill to the back of his skull. His eyes saw nothing; they have lost all sight of what is and what could have been. Okuyasu cried like there was too much raw pain inside him to be contained. He cried like his spirit needed to break loose from his skin, desperate to release an unstoppable rage on the world. The soothing words from Koichi made no difference at all. Okuyasu was beyond all reason, beyond all natural methods of calming.
"I can't- I can't keep- can't keep doing t-this," Okuyasu wailed into the crook of Koichi's neck, hyperventilating. "Koichi, I can't- I can't- I can't-"
"I know Oku, I know," Koichi reassured him softly, placing a soft kiss on the taller man's forehead. "You're gonna be okay. Yukako will be here in a minute."
"O-"
TingTingTing! TingTingTing! TingTingTing! TingTingTing!
"Who- Who's texting?"
Koichi grabbed the phone, reading the screen. He quickly tossed it back onto the couch, knowing that what was in the text Okuyasu had received was not a good thing right now.
"No one."
"It's Josuke, isn't- isn't it?"
Koichi could see the tears forming in Okuyasu's eyes, ready to prepare another wave of vehement sobbing for him to helplessly choke on. Yet, he couldn't lie to him.
"Yes, it is. Yukako and I are gonna stay with you tonight, okay?"
Okuyasu stayed silent, trying not to cry again. "What did- What did the text say?"
"Nothing you need to know."
"He's staying over at Rohan's tonight, isn't he? That's- That's why he's texting..."
Koichi nodded solemnly, and Okuyasu's dams broke for the third time.
Heart break is a funny thing. Everyone always knows it's going to happen, yet they're never prepared for it. They underestimate its power. Maybe that's why Okuyasu is so distraught. It's so ironic, like giving a murderer a gun, and expecting not to be killed. Why are they never ready for it?
Because they're in denial. They believe it won't happen. They believe the murderer will not kill them. They believe if we give him their hearts he will not crush it. Because hearts shouldn't be crushed. They should be cherished and protected.
If only someone had told Josuke that. If only someone had told Josuke that he even had Okuyasu's heart in the first place. Maybe then, Okuyasu wouldn't be as broken and conflicted as he is right now.
On one hand, the teen never wants to see Josuke again, but on the other, he wants to kick in the door to Rohan's apartment and confess his love to his best friend because he can't take it anymore. The desolation Okuyasu felt was all consuming. His mind became an icy wasteland, the wind howled in his soul and wrapped gnarly, freezing tentacles around his heart so tightly it almost stopped beating. Oh, how Okuyasu hated Josuke. He hated his stupid, bright smile, his round, light eyes, his handsome complexion, his near-perfect body. Oh, how he hated the sound of his roommate's voice, his light footsteps, his thick, dark blue hair. Oh, how Okuyasu hated Josuke. He hated that Josuke was so beautiful, so perfect that he drew nearly everyone to him. He hated that Josuke dated one person after another, never giving him any time to confess. He hated that Josuke always came to him for love advice. He hated that Josuke was not his.
But oh, how Okuyasu loved Josuke. He loved his stunning, shining smile, his large, soft, round eyes, his handsome complexion, his absolutely perfect body. Oh, how he loved the sound of Josuke's semi-deep, but quiet, voice, his soft footsteps, his thick, soft dark blue hair. Oh, how Okuyasu loved Josuke. He loved how ethereal Josuke was. He loved that Josuke was a hard person to break when it came to relationships, which meant Okuyasu never had to see him cry. He loved that Josuke thought he was helpful and talked to him regularly, except none of that mattered any more as Okuyasu held onto Koichi, his body racking with strained sobs. Yukako chose that moment to open the door, dropping her bags and hitting the floor at the speed of light. She began to tear up herself, never imagining that she'd see Okuyasu so broken. Koichi looked up at her, wide-eyed, shaking his head as if to say, "Yukako, don't cry, we're busy."
Yukako nodded, pulling Okuyasu onto her chest so that Koichi could go grab them all a glass of water. The woman kissed Okuyasu's head repeatedly, cooing softly in between pecks. It seemed to calm the broken teen down enough that he could talk.
"What happened, Oku?"
"Yuka... I can't keep doing-," he hiccuped, "doing this. Josuke loves Rohan, not me. Do you know how hard it is to be friends with the- with the boy you love?" Okuyasu was talking into Yukako's chest, his friends listening intently. "It's so hard to pretend to be friends with someone-... someone special. Especially when every time you look at them, all you see is everything you want to have..."
Okuyasu looked up, tears streaking down his face. "All I want is Josuke..."
Yukako wiped the tears away. "Oku, please don't cry again... Drink some water," she whispered to Okuyasu, kissing his forehead again. The upset man gratefully drank each drop of the water Koichi brought him. He was so tired he couldn't keep his eyes open.
"Let's get him to bed," Koichi spoke softly to Yukako, who helped Okuyasu up, across the house, and into his bed. Just as they turned to leave the room, Okuyasu called out to them hoarsely.
"Please don't leave..."
So the other two teens climbed into bed with Mingyu, wrapping their arms around the mentally drained boy, and together, the three friends fell asleep.
Around three a.m., Josuke shuffled into his dark house. Tears stained his soft cheeks as he walked into his bedroom. He popped his head into Okuyasu's room, only to find that Yukako and Koichi were in the bed as well.
"Good for him," Josuke mumbled to himself, throwing his things down on his bed. Why was tonight so rough? Rohan had invited him over to meet his new girlfriend, Reimi, which meant that his days of dating him were over. Then Josuke came home, hoping to talk to his best friend about it, only to find him in the bed with two others. Truthfully, Josuke only really dated Rohan to get his eyes and mind off Okuyasu. Yes, he did have some feelings for Rohan, but he had more feelings for Okuyasu.
The next morning, Koichi and Yukako were making breakfast when Josuke got up.
"What time did you get here, Josuke?"
"Around three a.m.," he responded with a yawn. "I left on my own because Rohan pretty much told me we were going on a date, then took me to meet his new girlfriend."
"Oh, I'm so sorry..."
"It's okay Koi. Anyway, so I came into the house, hoping Okuyasu would still be up so I could conf- uhh- talk to him about everything, and instead I found you guys all in the bed." Josuke laughed stiffly. "There's a lot of things I thought Oku would do while I was gone, but I never imagined that he'd have a threesome."
Koichi choked on his coffee. "Wait, you think we gang-banged him? No way!"
Yukako couldn't stop herself from laughing. "Koichi and I are in a completely monogamous relationship and Oku... Well, let's just say he has his eyes set on someone."
Josuke felt his heart shatter. "Oh..."
"Do you still need to talk to him? He should be up," Koichi said lightly, sensing what Josuke was really upset about.
So Josuke padded into Okuyasu's room without a sound, the taller seeing him for only a second before he was pulled into a hug.
"Suke, what are you doing?"
He got no response from the brunette, who tightened his grip on Okuyasu.
"Suke?"
Still no response save for Josuke's head shifting slightly.
"Josuke?"
Josuke inhaled a slow, shaky breath. "I love you."
"I love you too, Suke... What's wrong?"
The slightly smaller teen closed his eyes, mentally preparing himself for what he was about to do. "Us, Oku. That's what's wrong. No matter how many guys and girls I date, I can't forget you. I can't stop loving you. I know you have your eyes on someone, but goddamn it, Oku, I love you so much," Josuke whimpered while tears escaped his scared eyes. "I cry myself to sleep every night because when I say 'I love you,' I mean it in a completely different way, and I can't stop it."
Okuyasu was frozen, unable to react. He could only stare as Josuke talked, but right as Josuke got up to leave the room, the black headed man's hand shot out, closing around the shorter's wrist. He stood up quickly, pulling Josuke forward and almost literally slamming their lips together. When the two pulled back for air, Okuyasu cupped Josuke's face in his hands.
"I've always meant it the same. I love you Josuke, I'm so in love with you. I had a breakdown after you left because I felt like I'd never have you. That's why Koichi and Yukako are here."
"Okuyasu, I-... Why didn't you tell me? I would've never even left last night."
"I was scared, I was so afraid I'd lose you."
Josuke pressed their foreheads together. "I love you so much, I regret not telling you sooner..."
"Hey, Suke, it's okay, I know now, please don't cry."
After Josuke finished explaining everything to Okuyasu, they sent Koichi and Yukako home. The taller man wasn't sure what had gotten hold of him, but up until this moment, he'd never kissed someone more than he did that day. It was almost as if they were making up for all the lost time. Making up for all the chances they had missed. And for the first time in almost twenty-four hours, Okuyasu was okay. He was happy. He was calm. He was in love. The boy he thought would never be his was now exactly that. For some reason, all of this made him feel so much better. Just knowing that Josuke, the single most beautiful man that he had ever seen, was his, he felt lightened. Knowing that he could say "I love you," and mean it the way he wants to is more than he could ever ask for. Josuke is more than he could ever ask for, more than he thinks he deserves. Okuyasu was euphoric, all because of one man, and he wouldn't have it any other way.
