To All The Girls I've Loved Before - Jenlisa

Chapter 19

Late 2020, The week after the weeks after

Lisa comes back to her internship full swing the next morning, even with just two hours of sleep.

And then again the next day.

And the next.

They told her they're glad she's more present now.

That's good. It would have been a waste if she had to let go of the internship.

So she comes back again the next day.

And even on the weekend.

Like a robot. As mechanical as she could. As much as she could.

There wasn't any room for more mistakes.

There wasn't any room for thoughts.

There wasn't any room for any thoughts at all.

There wasn't any room for pain.

There wasn't any room for Jen Kim.

There wasn't any room for Lisa either.

Until that one day she had to rest, and her hands found her vodka stash, and Jisoo found her sprawled on the floor of her apartment, crying her eyes out. The oldest Korean checked on her because Lisa refused to answer her calls all day, and used the spare key she hid on the crack near her door. She didn't waste any time cradling Lisa on her lap as she cried away into the night any remaining emotions she had.

And she realised how much she was hurting.

So, so much.

So fucking much.

But she missed her. The love of her life. The only home she's ever known.

Was now the person who has left her in pain, alone.

Again.

Why am I not enough? She asked Jisoo in between her sobs. It was midnight and her wails were echoing her empty apartment. The place was horribly empty, used only to sleep the past few weeks. There wasn't even proper food in the refrigerator, only boxes of Chinese take-outs that expired days ago. Most of the space was replaced by either alcohol or cans of Red Bull.

The space smelled of stale air and slight musty odour that affirmed Lisa's lack of presence and attention to the apartment.

She hated being there. She hated that Jen's smell started dissipating and was replaced by the smell of wood dressers. She hated that the bed felt stiff and unwelcome. She hated that her morning rituals which used to include Jen now changed to fit the 20 minutes she spends awake in the morning only to take a quick shower and leave the house.

She hated that the place felt like it became dispensable. Unwanted. Unneeded.

Just like her.

Just like her, who Jen leaves at will and comes back to only when she's ready. Just like her, who wished she was the home Jen looked forward to coming home to, but was reduced to nothingness.

Home.

This used to be their home. She thought she was home.

Until the girl needed to 'fly home' to a place that didn't include her and didn't want to include her.

She cried. She cried and wailed and sobbed on Jisoo's arms, wishing she could be as strong as she promised Jen and to stop crumbling. Wishing that she could find another way to stop the pain in her heart.

Because the only way she knew how to stop this pain was her.

So when she was finally left alone on the bed as Jisoo stayed on her couch, the few lucid moments she had she still tried to call the Korean on the other side of the world who never bothered to pick up.

After the 6th unanswered call, her barely conscious fingers sent this message:

       I only need just a little bit of your heart.

Just a little bit

Of your heart.

That's all I'm asking for.

Sent 02:13 AM 

Read 04:28 AM