To All The Girls I've Loved Before - Jenlisa

Chapter 29

Mid 2023

They say it takes a certain readiness to accept things.

If Lisa's being honest, that line felt like it just translated to having any preconceived notions in your head assenting to old, safe information. Not much else.

For example, accepting letting herself be surrounded by Jen's scent, again. It's an incredibly overwhelming feeling of being assaulted by a stronger trigger to her emotions.

It brings her back to those nights when young Jennie would sleep over at young Lalisa's room for weekends when they're hiding from the rest of the world. It brings her back to those snowy days she would hibernate in Jen's sweatshirts in the Korean's first New York apartment, sniffing the last remnants of her scent to keep Lisa warm.

It brings her back to the days she would leave the darkroom every once in a while when her head's drowning in chemicals and she would go to their room to breathe. And she almost always finds herself sitting instead just beside the laundry hamper and pulling Jen's dresses and jackets worn the day before that smelled distinctly of New York and the office and Chanel and her lover's smell after a whole day of excitement, and she just breathes all of Jen in to supplement her longing till she sees her again.

Jennie has smelled of the sun and of flowers and of teenaged perfumes and of sweat and of taxis and of muggy Korean afternoons and of chilly New York mornings and of cold conditioned air, yet Lisa could always pick Nini's smell apart, like a wisp of red thread that's sewn tight to her heart. It just tugs, every time.

"Pouty isn't your thing."

Lisa glanced at Jen as the brunette handed her a glass of white wine. She must have looked ridiculous sitting stiffly on the soft couch that hugged well on Lisa's lithe frame, possibly all glassy-eyed and in a stupor from all the memories that just flooded all her senses that it made her feel tingly.

Of course she'd feel a little defensive. She just let herself slip into a moment of being fragile and powerless again under Jennie Ruby Jane Kim.

"I'm not pouty, I just wasn't sure what to expect with your apartment."

"And how do you find it?"

Lisa let the word slip before she could stop it. "Plain."

Jennie looked at her tentatively, trying not to bite back. "Plain, really?"

Lisa bit on her lip and winced, regretting her bluntness.

She forgot, she's supposed to be trying.

Although they've been meeting each other again more often the past few months after they had sex, it was almost always in Lisa's terms: either in lunches or dinners outside and never again at Lisa's place. In Lisa's head, they were controlled environments. She can have Jennie as she was and nothing else. She can bring with her small pieces of new things, or of old hurt, but Lisa can screen them effectively.

After all, she did somehow mull over her discussion with Jisoo and told herself that she will try to open herself up more and try to let the girl in without constantly jumping to avoid potential emotional landmines like a stubborn cat thrown on a shallow bathtub.

But choosing tonight to be at Jennie's place meant subjecting herself more to what she's not ready to see: how Jennie lives, what she has surrounded herself with, what she keeps busy with. What she potentially does in her evenings. Where she rests when she's tired of the day. What kind of vegetable and food her chiller holds. What type of food she now enjoys. What type of wine she has in stock to tide her towards her days.