𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐰𝐞𝐬𝐭 - 𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒘 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒚 𝒈𝒖𝒃𝒍𝒆𝒓

the in-between

As Vienna shut the car door behind her, she immediately noticed the deep pain in her knees. She has always held her anxiety bodily, but this past year made it so much worse. That, coupled with the 12 hours she had been in the car, contributed to an insistent ache. She had been driving since dawn and would need to stop for the night soon.

She reached into her back pocket for her phone and opened up the map. Lincoln, Nebraska. A year ago, Vienna would've taken this opportunity to hike, venture around small towns and big cities, she would've treated this road trip like a vacation. Now, she felt isolated and worrisome. She just wanted some stillness for a change.

What had she done? She had no job, no home, no future, and a mere $200 to her name.

She remembered Diona's words: "you always have a choice."

———

The next morning she woke up with a stiff back and a weight on her chest. If there was a less enjoyable sleeping experience than the backseat of a subaru, Vienna had yet to experience it. She felt full of insistent anxiety, knowing this was the craziest thing she had ever done.

She glanced at her phone: 10 missed calls. Her mother had left a number of voicemails and texts. She would call her, but not yet. She had to get to where she was going. Nothing had ever felt so certain her entire life. There was something in Oregon that she needed to experience.

But Oregon was another days drive away and she was determined to get there as quick as possible.

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At 10pm, Vienna pulled off the road again, another 14 hours closer to what would hopefully be her final destination.

She pulled off to a truck stop and parked in a secluded spot to sleep for the night. She knew her father would roll in his grave if he knew his young daughter was sleeping along in a parking lot. But, on her budget, she wasn't sure she had a choice.

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In the morning, she ran into the gas station to grab something to eat for the last leg of her journey. Her legs felt locked in position and her back felt as if there were a rock lodged in her spine. "10 more hours" she thought aloud as she grabbed a selection of protein bars and water.

The cashier rang up her items and glanced at her debit card. "Vienna? What a cool name, like the Billy Joel song."

Vienna snapped to attention and looked up at the man. She saw her father, his cold body lying on the couch. She remembered his suicide note. She remembered his words,"I will always love you, Vienna."

"I'm sorry I have to go." she breathed out shortly as she snatched her card along with her items. She ran to her car, her breath shaking and her body trembling. She sat in her car desperately trying to calm down. Trying not to think about his lifeless body seated before. Trying not to think about the note. About her mother telling her to leave. About the absolute shit her life had become.

In between labored breathing and tears flooding her vision, she found her phone and tried to call Diona. "Please, pick up Di" she muttered to herself. She couldn't do this along. She needed someone. Anyone. "Please." she cried again.

When Diona didn't pick up she tried Jane. No answer. Vienna searched for the Xanax she was prescribed in case of emergencies. "Where is it. God where is it!" she sobbed, so desperately wanting to get the chilling images of her father out of her mind. "God, it's not here."

She turned back to her phone. Who could she call? She looked through her messages and remembered the number she had been told to call for Laura when she got to Oregon. She was desperate. And suddenly, this complete stranger was the only person she had to rely on.

She dialed the number in between hyperventilated breathing. "Pick up, pick up."

"Inn at the Rose, Matthew speaking."

"Shit," she hissed to herself. "Hi I'm sorry to bother you, is Laura around?" Her voice was shaky. This poor boy on the phone probably couldn't even understand her.

"Um..I'm so sorry she's not here, this is her brother. Are you okay, miss?"

Gosh he seemed so kind, she just needed someone. "No." she blurted out all of the sudden. "Why did I say that?" she muttered.

"Oh...um, can I help in any way?" Vienna heard empathy in his voice. She hadn't heard true empathy in a while.

"God, I'm sorry I can explain." she was breathless and flustered and quickly realized this call was a terrible idea. "My friend, Jane, told me I could come see Laura when I get to Oregon but I am currently having a panic attack and I just really need someone to talk to. I'm so sorry to drag you into this. I'll leave you be." She started to end the call.

"Wait! It's okay. I'm here if you need a friend. What was your name?"

"Um...it's An-Who am I kidding, it's Vienna."

Matthew chuckled to himself, trying to seem professional for the girl on the other line. "So..Vienna?" he asked confused by her earlier hesitation.

"Yes, Vienna. Sorry. Can you just distract me for a bit?" she felt calmer already hearing his voice. Maybe this call wasn't such a bad idea.

"Of course. It's very nice to meet you, Vienna. When do you get to Oregon?"