Too Much Time (LGBTQ Fiction) ✓

revelations know best.

Dread had filled within me. Now that I knew what Satvik was thinking, I grew extremely fearful.

We were seated at the dining table, my mom in the chair in front of mine, table between us, food to consume. I looked at my dinner, clear colors of bright yellow and red turned into muggy iridescence, and I just wanted to vomit.

I glanced up, intermittently, at my mother.  As usual she asked, but she was gentle and concerned, "What's wrong Ni? Is something worrying you?"

I shrugged. I wanted to tell her but I just did not know what to tell.

She put down her cutlery, leaned forward and reached out for my face, she cupped my face, "Come on Ni. I know when something's bothering you. You can tell me. I know you."

I wondered if she could sometimes tell, how I wished to know my real parents, how I wished I didn't have to be adopted, how I wish I was loved from the start. Guilty. I hoped she could never transude in those dark cirque of my thoughts. I would disappoint her.

I took her hands and rested my cheek against her warm and redolent palms. I kissed her fingers, and I placed her hand down. She leaned back in to her seat and stared at me expectantly.

"What do you think about suicide?"

Panic struck in my mother's eyes. Pupils dilated and frozen, she persisted speechless.

"This isn't about me Mom." I whispered softly, trying to reassure her.

She sighed in relief. But a trail of doubt lingered in her amber eyes. "It would pain me beyond words if you left." Her voice broke out in impending sobs. I didn't want to make her cry, I loved her very much. "Mom", I called out. 

A departing never felt good. It could've been anyone. I'd have the nagging estimation of helplessness and to imagine a loved one leaving? Let alone, the only boy I loved.

"Can I be excused Mom?"

She nodded, without looking at me, palms mantling her eyes as she sniffed languidly. 

That night, I tried to catch sight of any silhouette of a tall boy lurching on the rooftop through the heavily pouring rain. Squinting my eyes through breezing droplets of rain, I tried to see. The rooftop appeared empty. I wasn't sure. I had to make sure. So, I ran downstairs. Hastily grabbing an umbrella and hacking a raincoat upon myself, I ran to Satvik's house and stared up towards the roof. Relief rippled inside my mind when the rooftop was empty.

I felt rushed footsteps trailing behind me. "Nibaal!" my mother shouted causing me to turn around and face her. She was barefoot, her clothes drenched as running water poured down her body, droplets levitated upon her feet and eventually dissipated. "What happened?" she asked, confused and worried. 

"I was just checking on Satvik." 

Realization dawned upon her features, as she walked towards me and embraced me. 

Much deep into the night, my mother and I had changed into fresh clothes, we were sipping coffee in my room. I had never stayed up with my mother. We talked about things. She laid on my bed, propped on her elbows as she looked at me. I was sitting by the window, occasionally gazing out at the ridged and tiled rooftop. Tracing patterns on my fish-themed bedsheet, she asked me, "You know Ni. It's okay if I am second on your mind." 

My own knitted eyebrows stared at her confused. "What do you mean?"

"I've seen your eyes. I've seen that guilt. It's alright if you wished for a biological mother even when you have me. I think, I've always anticipated this moment. So, I-"

I was frantic. What was she trying to say? That she would let me go? "Mom! I want to be your child!"

"You are my child!" 

Both of us teared into each other until I finally asked, "What are you saying?"

My mother sat cross legged on the bed, eyes downcast, she said, "I looked around. For your r-real parents. It's been a while Nibaal."

My dilated eyes squeezed painfully, as I tried blur out what was in front of me. Was she really going to send me away? Was that it? It hurt, because I loved her so much. Was I really unwanted, to the extent, no one would ever want to stay for me? 

She continued, voice lacing in cautiousness, "I thought you might want to know about them. I'm very scared right now. Every fiber in my being is telling me that I'm doing this wrong- you might be affected. And I want you to be happy-"

"Are you abandoning me?" 

My mom's eyes had widened so much, she defensively, drew her arms around her. She got up and walked up to me, "I am not abandoning you Ni. Why would I ever do that? I am asking you this straight up- Do you want to know about your parents?"

I did, I really did. Had they ever loved me?  But I felt like that wasn't the answer she wanted to hear. "No." I whispered loud enough for her to hear and soft enough to express uncertainty. She hugged me. "You can be honest Ni. I am prepared. Are you prepared?"

I nodded, circling my hands around her waist tightly. She ran her fingers in my hair. "Do you know what color looks best on you?" Her condensed voice chimed through me. "Is it Opal?" I asked, a light-headed semblance of a joke in my words. She chuckled. "Yes Ni. Opal looks good too. But you know what looks best? Brown. The color of our eyes. We're family Ni. We raised each other." 

I hugged her tightly and kissed her arm. "Don't leave me, Mom." With strained eyes, she looked at me, "No matter what I tell you now, I want you to know that you are loved, okay?" I nodded. "Your m-mother, she-uh. You're um- she-your mother, she was raped." My mother had spoken so slowly, I wondered if I was being muffled by feathers. 

I didn't know how the information had truly made me feel. I felt deeply disappointed and immensely grateful that my mother had found me. I hugged her, she was just like her name- Shanthi (Translation- "peace").

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A/N: Longest chapter yet. And I hate how inconsistent the word count is every chapter, but here we are.