Burning Up ~*~ [ THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY 2 ] [ FIVE x OC ]

T E N

~*~

     "The nerve of that man. I mean, one thing goes wrong, and he's on a warpath. I mean, doesn't know who I am?" Allison questioned as she parted Klaus's hair. "No, no. No, Ray, you know exactly who I am. You just can't handle it." Ivy danced fire in her hands, staring at the beer bottle in front of her. "I'm protecting him."

     "Ow. From what?" Klaus asked.

     "The end of the world, for one," Allison responded.

     "Is the world really gonna end in six days?" Vanya asked, turning in her chair.

     "Well, it did last time, and we did everything Five could think of to stop it," Allison said, Ivy turning her chair to look at her siblings.

     "Hey, wouldn't it be weird if Five grew up all hot?" Klaus asked, standing and going to get another drink. "Wouldn't that be weird?"

     "God, I hope he does," Ivy said, slowly shaking her head.

     "Eww," Allison commented.

     "Oh! 'Oh, eww! Eww!' Please, Miss 'Luther was my lover,'" Klaus said turning to look at Allison.

     "We have never even kissed," Allison snapped.

     "Yeah, but you guys were making little sick moon-dog eyes at each other all through puberty and breakfasts and all that," Klaus spat at her, Ivy laughing slightly.

     "Aren't we all brothers and sisters, or...?" Vanya trailed off, Ivy forgetting that she didn't remember.

     "Well... technically, it-"

     "'Technically'? If you have to word... use the word 'technically,' you're already in trouble," Klaus said, pouring more into his flask.

     "We're not related," Ivy confirmed to Vanya. "Hence... Five and I."

     "Okay, can... can we focus?" Allison asked. "I mean, clearly we're not saving the world tonight, but maybe, maybe, we could at least try to save my marriage.

     "No!" Klaus shouted. "No, because that's like... that's like asking a nun how to hump someone's leg." He handed Ivy a bottle, and she drank it without thinking. "I mean, who in this room knows shit about relationships? This one?" He pointed at Vanya. "In secret love with some farm Frau."

     "Her name's Sissy," Vanya argued.

     "Which is an improvement on her previous love interest," Klaus said, Ivy and Allison motioning for him to stop, "the serial killer."

     "What?" Vanya asked.

     "Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch... For a soldier I haven't technically met yet. Ivy is a two timing bitch, dating Five and sleeping with some guy named Michael, and Luther is in love with his sister," Klaus continued on, Ivy shrugging slightly.

      "Okay, again, we are not biological," Allison told him.

     "Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin," Klaus said, Ivy shrugging as she drank again.

     "Sad to admit that Five's relationship with Dolores was more healthy than our current one," Ivy said, raising her bottle slightly. "Can't wait to get plastered over that one."

     "The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love... is how to screw it up," Klaus continued.

     "Cheers," they all said, then drinking from their respected alcohol bottles.