Renegade: The Alliance Chronicles, Book Six

Chapter 30

Mark

"You make me want to be a better person. You're the one who brings out the best parts of me."

—from "It Happens: When Friendship Turns to Love," by Dr. E. Rich

It's been a long time since either of us dared to speak. Feels like hours, but it's probably only been minutes. When will the proverbial shoe drop and shatter the silence, taking the last bit of strength I possess?

"You say you, like, love me," Asher starts. "Explain why you disappeared for almost two years?"

There it is.

The most difficult question the man could ask me. Sadly, I couldn't run away this time. Hell, I couldn't even walk away from it.

"I had to, Ash. Just like you I tried burying my feelings. As long as we weren't around each other, I coped. But that last mission... You were in danger. All I wanted was to protect you."

"Still doesn't explain..."

Why does he have to make shit so much harder? It's his fatal flaw—always wanting to dissect everything down to the minute details.

"Trust me, I wanted to tell you how I felt. But I would have wrecked your happiness with Rihana. I didn't want that." Admitting the truth surprised the hell out of me.

"People need to stop, like, second guessing me. I'm a grown-ass man." Asher stands and paces the floor, a nervous habit he's never lost. He claims he thinks better moving. "I spent months worrying about you. The nightmares returned. Ree got scared. Next thing I know, I'm, like, back on a shrink's couch."

"I'm sorry. Man, running is what I do best."

His green eyes lock on to my dark ones. "That and getting fucked up."

"Not anymore." My mind automatically drifts back to Liam. I won't be taking chances like that again. "The only way I'll drink is behind closed doors with someone I know I can trust."

Asher stops at the foot of the bed. His brow wrinkles. "Sounds like you won't be drinking much."

Honestly, the pool of people I have faith in is a shallow one.

"I guess not," I say.

Giving up alcohol won't be easy. I started when I was thirteen. For me, it was about enjoying myself. Thanks to Liam, I associate nothing good with the shit anymore.

Asher nods. "So, I wasn't, like, losing my mind."

"Huh?"

"I picked up on a strange vibe from you on that last assignment." He sags into a chair in the corner. "I kept dismissing it. After all these years, I figured you were over me. We were just best friends again."

"We'll never be just friends, Ash. You mean too much to me."

"I get that. But when it happened, I got scared again. And then when I thought I'd lost Ree, I just... I just—"

"Ash, stop it."

Damn.

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. The man is fragile. Has been ever since he lost his family.

Asher stares up at me. "But—"

"Come here." When he hesitates, I say it again with more force. "Get your ass over here."

He drags his feet crossing the room. "I can't do this again, Mark. I'm not..."

The guy is tormenting himself over a damn label. One time doesn't make you gay. Curious? Maybe. But not gay.

"No, you're not. I'm not either. Yeah, I like women and men. I'm bisexual. It took me awhile to be comfortable with that, but it's who I am. I don't give a shit."

Asher drops his gaze.

"No." I squeeze his arm. "Don't do that. You made your choice in life. I don't love you any less for it. Stop doubting yourself. You have a wife and kids you love. Ash, I'm not asking you to change anything. Okay?"

He nods but won't look at me.

"Ash, are we good here? I didn't say all this for you to turn your back on me." I realize I'm still holding on to him. Reluctantly, I remove my hand.

"I'm sorry." Asher lifts his eyes. "Of course, we're good. You'll always be my best friend. No way could I turn my back on you, bro."

But there's fear in his eyes. He keeps playing with his wedding band. Sharing my feelings with him was a wrong move. He's struggling with the news. It doesn't matter that he claims to have known. I know this man too well. He wishes my words weren't true.

"Forget I said anything, man. Let's talk about something else."

He clears his throat. "Mark, if circumstances were different... if I hadn't met Rihana, would you have ever told me how you felt?"

Good question.

"I don't know. I value our friendship. A long time ago, I decided that's all I'd ever have from you. I was good with that. I'm still good with that." He stares at me for a minute. "Same question for you, Ash?"

"Same answer," he admits. "You'll always be my best friend. Hell, you're my brother. That will never change."

Not the answer I want to hear, but it's one I can live with. I've been called a lot of things in my life—asshole, pervert, delinquent, renegade—but I'm nobody's homewrecker. I wouldn't let my feelings jeopardize Asher's marriage.

He asks, "Are you taking Kapernecki up on her offer?"

"I might. She's lonely, and I need someone to help me get back on my feet."

"You know she doesn't, like, live here?"

"Yeah. But Flagstaff isn't that far away. I'll try harder and stay in touch with you."

I'm serious. My days of being a shitty friend are over.

His lips quirk up into that lopsided smile I've always loved. A flash of curiosity dances in his eyes. Some things don't have to be on display for all the world to see. I'm good with what Asher and I have. His friendship means more to me than any relationship I've ever been in.

It always will be, and I'm good with it.