Letters From A Dead Man

5 | pain

April 29th, 4:47pm

My room was cold. The balcony door was open just a crack but it was enough to let in a slight cool breeze that had me shaking underneath my covers.

I was to tired to get up and shut the door though, I just wanted to stay curled up in my sheets forever.

It's been over two days since my panic attack at school. The teachers gave me a leave of absence for the next few days to make sure I'm fully recovered and not going to break down again.

It was nice for the most part, but honestly I just feel like I'm going more insane with all my spare thinking time.

It felt like my entire world was shattering around me. It has been, slowly, since the night I saw Brooke's lifeless body on that stiff bed.

A buzzing sound fills the empty spaces of my brain, breaking me out of my dark thoughts. The curtains covering the glass doors sway slightly in the breeze, the light from outside reflecting through their thin material.

The buzzing in my head stops for a few minutes, my body relaxing once again into my sheets, before it starts all over again.

I groan into my pillow before rolling over and snatching my phone off my nightstand. 'Shithead' flashes across my screen with a picture of Asa making a stupid face.

I hit decline call and roll back over again, not in the mood to talk to anyone.

My phone starts buzzing once again and I angrily click the answer button. "What!?"

"Let me in you fucker." Asa replies.

"No. Fuck off." I snap before hanging up on him.

I toss my phone onto the bottom of my bed and fold my pillow over my face. I just want to be left alone and sleep for the rest of the day.

The soft ruffling of my curtains soothes my tense shoulders and I feel my eyelids start to droop once again. I'm enclosed in darkness once I shut my eyes, and it feels as if I'm being sucked into a black hole of sleep.

A soft click sounds out through my apartment a few minutes later, waking me up from my non existent dream.

"You dickwad. I come all this way here to bring you dinner and you act like a complete ass." I hear Asa say as he lets himself inside. "I had to convince some lady to let me in the damn building because my best friend was being stubborn and not letting me in." He continues to complain.

"I never should have given you that damn key." I grumble in reply as I hear him situate himself into my kitchen.

He mumbles something to himself, most likely along the lines of me being an ungrateful asshole. "If you hadn't then you'd probably starve to death." He bites back.

I flip him off and bury myself back into my sheets, wanting to just disappear.

"Fuck you too Black."

It's quite between us as Asa makes us both dinner. Only the sounds of the street below and the bubbling of whatever he's making filling up the quietness between us.

"How are you Case?" Asa asks me after a few minutes of no talking. He sounds almost worried to ask, like I'm some fragile piece of glass that will break at any moment.

I sigh as I tug on a loose thread in my blanket. "I don't know anymore." I whisper.

He hums in response and it's silent for a few seconds once again. "Have you read any of them?" He asks, breaking the silence for the second time.

I know he's talking about the letters and I really wish he hadn't mentioned them. "I read one. It was just really explaining the letters and an apology. I've been procrastinating on the next one though."

Asa hums in response as I hear him take out some dishes from the cupboard. He clangs around in the kitchen for a few minutes, opening and closing my fridge and serving the food for the two of us.

The sound of my balcony door closing catches my attention as Asa shuts it, a bowl in his free hand. "You know you'll catch a cold if you leave that window open." He says as he places the bowl on my nightstand.

I sit up and snatch the bowl as he moves back into the kitchen again. It looks like creamy potato soup, one of my favourites.

"Thank you Ace." I say as I stir my spoon through the creaminess.

He sighs loudly as he settles down on the couch, his own bowl of soup in his hands with a glass of milk in front of him. "No problem Casey."

It's silent as we eat, only the sounds of our breathing and the soup sloshing around filling up the empty spaces. As much as Asa can annoy me, I can never be mad at him no matter what I'm going through. He's my best friend and right now without him I probably would end up starving myself.

As much as I hate to admit it I know he's right about that.

I know he feels bad that he wasn't with me when I had my attack and that's why he's so worried, but it's not like either of us could control when it happened.

I was told that Jason was the one who had helped calm me down. He had stayed with me until the nurse got there and helped enough that I was at least able to breathe and calm myself down a bit.

I don't remember most of it but I remember how scared I was.

"What was it like?" Asa asks suddenly, breaking me from my thoughts.

I snap my head in his direction but he's not looking at me. He's slowly stirring his spoon through what's left of his soup, his throat bobbing as he gulps.

"What was what like?" I ask.

He glances at me from the corner of his eyes before looking away again. "The panic attack."

I take in a shaky breath as I recall what happened again. Jason had helped calm me down, and Sarah and Lana were there as well, but looking back on that day it felt as if I was alone.

No one else could feel the fear coursing through my veins or the pain from almost hyperventilating. They couldn't feel the shaking of my body or see the images that had flashed before my eyes.

I was alone the night of the accident, and I will be through the rest of whatever this fucked up thing we called life is going to be.

"It was painful."

— — — — — —

I just wanted to throw in here that in chapter two when Casey wakes up to the sound of glass shattering, he did have a small panic attack in his sleep. That and the sound awoke him and as it said he had been sweating which is part of his symptoms.

It was only in the sweating fase at that point since the accident had only happened less than twenty four hours beforehand. The attack wasn't as prominent than as it was last chapter but it was still there.

Thank you for reading and giving this story a try.

If any of my facts are off about anything I'm sorry. This is a fiction book though so we'll just blame it on that.