The Prince And The Rose

13 - Stay

All things considered, it wasn't the worst nightmare Steve had ever had (and he'd had many). Still, he was extremely relieved when a light touch on his arm pulled him out of the mud and squalor of World War II Germany and back into his room in Avengers Tower.

He groaned and rubbed a hand over his face. Natasha was standing by his bed, looking strangely small and exposed.

"Hey," he said, voice rough, pushing away the tangled bedcovers and sitting up. "What's wrong?" She didn't meet his eyes, and he shook off the last remnants of sleep, worried. "Nat?"

She crossed her arms defensively over her chest. "I'm sorry to wake you, I shouldn't-"

He swung his legs out of bed and stood up, reaching over to smooth her hair out of her face. She had tears in her eyes, he realized. "I'm fine. What is it?"

"Just…" She paused, struggling for a moment. "Can I stay with you?"

Steve wasn't sure what had prompted this, but he understood that being so vulnerable couldn't be easy for her. So he simply nodded and lay back down, pulling the covers aside for her. She joined him after a moment's hesitation, curling up on the edge of the bed with her back to him.

"Feel like talking?"

"No," she answered. Her whole body was so tense that it was shaking. Tentatively, Steve reached over and pulled her closer. She didn't resist, letting him tuck her up against his chest protectively.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

She nodded, and he tightened his arm around her. She felt so small, but even like this her strength was evident. They were silent for a few minutes before Nat finally spoke again.

"Do you have nightmares?"

"Almost every night," Steve said honestly.

"Oh." She was quiet for a long time, and Steve adjusted his position so he could run his fingers through her hair, something he would probably never have done at any other time. "Do you have those dreams where you're just… overwhelmed by everyone you've killed?"

"Sort of." Usually Steve's dreams were populated with the people he'd failed, but it amounted to the same thing.

"I killed children," Nat said softly. "Mostly in the Red Room. We had to kill the other girls sometimes. And sometimes I'd be on a mission and… collateral damage, we called it." She stopped. "Too many of them, Steve. Too many people dead because of me."

His heart ached for her, and he pulled her even closer, kissing her again.

"I'm so tired. I don't know what to do anymore." Finally she rolled over to face him, leaning slightly back to look at him. In the darkness, her eyes gleamed slightly like a cat's. "I have a lot of blood on my hands, and I just can't wash it off."

Steve took those hands in his, trying to work out what to say. All he wanted to do was hold her so tightly that she would never feel alone again. "I'm sorry," he said at last. She nodded. She didn't seem able to meet his eyes anymore. "It's over now though, Nat," he continued, gently. "You've been forgiven for a long time. And you're one of the best people I know."

Her smile was ironic, bitter, amused. "Thanks, Rogers, but-"

"I mean it, Natasha. You're important to me. I trust you, and I… I don't know what I'd do without you." That was true. She and Sam had become his family, and with them he was home. Safe. He stared at her face in the dark, willing her to believe him.

She looked up at him, eyes narrowed, assessing. Then, instead of answering, she curled up even smaller and buried her face in his shoulder. Steve put his arms around her, closed his eyes, and rested his chin against the top of her head.I've got you, he promised silently. I'm not letting go.

0o0o0

Steve was a solid, warm presence, all strength and understanding. Natasha kept her eyes closed, fighting the tears that threatened to spill past her closed eyelids.

She hadn't come in expecting acceptance, not really. She spent so much time passing judgment on herself that she simply assumed that everyone else did too. After all, what she'd done was terrible; it would only be fair if the others hated her for it.

But Steve, ridiculous, impossible, tender-hearted Steve, just held her and forgave her. It wasn't the first time anyone had, but he did it without hesitation, without even knowing everything she'd done.

"Steve?" she said quietly, hoping he wouldn't hear the catch in her voice.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

He shifted slightly, and she could hear the smile in his voice as he answered. "Any time, Nat."

Then the tears did come, warm and damp on her cheeks. If Steve noticed, he didn't say anything, but his arms did tighten, protective and comforting. She bit her lip and curled in on herself even smaller, taking a deep, shuddering breath.

She was safe.

She was home.

She felt Loved.