Her Flaws

Chapter 02

It's easier to get over things when you know you were wrong and what was your mistake. You regret, you repent, your heart feels better and you move on. But it is almost impossible to move on when you don't even know why you are being punished. Move on over what? I've spent uncountable days thinking and analysing where I was wrong. And the guilt is that I never found any kind of result.
To save yourself from the curse of overthinking, you must keep yourself busy. But that's the hardest part. After a whole hectic day, when you go to your bed, thoughts struck you like lightning bolts. You cry yourself to sleep. But there are some days, when I'm so tired, when I don't think about such things and just sleep. I sometimes think about the goals I have, imagine impossible scenarios, act silly, talk to myself, smile and feel better before I sleep. That's some kind of therapy I give to myself. For a peaceful sleep, it also depends where you are sleeping. Are you comfortable? Are you really in a state of rest? Or your brain is still worrying even when you're trying to sleep at midnight? I've seen this in a TV series that a girl finds it comfortable to sleep on floor under something covering over, like she sleeps under her study table. Everyone is weird somehow in different ways. You must have heard that depressed people sleep a lot. But it's not that every person who sleeps a lot is depressed. Sleeping is an escape from reality. And so the place where you sleep is important. To me, my bed means my whole world. It's not a luxurious king sized bed. It's a single bed but it's comfortable and my only escape from the monsters of this world. And I have a bookshelf on the wall, above my bed that keeps all my stuff: books, stationery, academic awards, perfume (one and only perfume that my best friend Dorothy gifted me, since I'm not crazy about scents), sunglasses, newspapers, a few toys, my piggy bank and all my private stuff too. There are paper butterflies hanging below the bookshelf (did I not tell that I'm a part time artist too? I'm pretty good at art and craft work) and it's all over decorated with fairy lights. My favourite part is the stationery section because it looks so cool. I love my bookshelf so I explained it. There's one more reason for loving it. When I'm sad and stressed out, I write my heart out on the below surface of my bookshelf (that isn't visible, where that butterflies are hanging), I call that space as “stress board”. It helps me. I even write on walls when I'm sad (I know I'm not a pre schooler, but it actually is helpful, trust me.)
I've also painted a lot of things on my wall. Painting is my third favourite hobby after watching television series and writing, respectively. Writing used to be #1 because I was not a fan of TV series before. But there's a social media friend, Hans, that I met on Instagram who convinced me to watch Korean TV drama serials. The Korean drama I watched for the first time was Tempted (commonly known as The Great Seducer). It was good. It was not as if it was the first TV show of my life (it was just the first Korean drama I watched). I had watched Indian TV dramas before such as Humsafars and Ichcha Pyaari Nagin. And a few Pakistani dramas too like Khamoshi and Zindagi Gulzar Hai. They all were also fascinating and hits of drama industry. It's just that I was really very picky about TV shows and watched any rarely. But since I started watching Korean TV series, I've got addicted to it. I watched dozens of Korean dramas in a very short period of time.
(You can ask me for drama reviews too xD)
I wanted anyone to talk to me all the time in my leisure. But since I started watching TV series, I've got myself something. I don't want to talk to anyone now all the time. I don't have to. When you're available to someone all the time, you lose your moral values. You lose your significance in people's life. You don't have to act clingy to keep people near you. The people who care about you will still stay near by themselves. You don't need to beg for love. You don't need to ask someone to love you. Even if you end up having no one near you, remember two things: there's a God who loves you, who created you and gave you a purpose to exist. And if you're an Atheist, the other thing is you, yourself. You love yourself. You have yourself with you all the time. When you occasionally break down at nights, there's nobody with you in the bathroom sink crying with you and convincing you to stop crying at a point, it's always you with yourself. So hurting yourself because of some stupid reason, isn't it shameful? That you hurt the person who feeds your soul every time when there's no one helping. I will repeat, people must remember those who do good to them when nobody else does. So how can you ignore someone who did good to you when nobody else did? The most precious one should be your own self. I'm not saying that we should become selfish or self obsessed. Being selfish and being self loved are two different things. You must learn the difference. So from today, stop hurting yourself to make others happy. Self satisfaction is all you need if you want to survive in this world of self centered, mean and selfish people. You're not a fairytale princess that a Fairy Godmother will come to help you. Or you're not Prince Philip who is born in a stress free life. You need to save yourself. You are the one who save yourself. I'm a person of strong imagination. But circumstances have taught me how to live in reality. That doesn't mean I'm asking you to limit your dreams!