Her Flaws

Chapter 07

When I was in middle school. I found Ashley and she became my best friend. She's truly a good friend. Teenage kids don't discriminate friends and snakes. But do you know how Ashley became my friend? She is one of those people who don't want me to ruin my life. When I was drowning, she was the life saver hand. (Not literally drowning)
She is one of the most precious people to me that I don't want to lose. At first, we were not that closer, but with time we got to know each other more but still, we both have sides that no one knows. We are birds of a feather. The only difference we have is: her family loved her enough that she hates dating and relationships, and I? I spent my life alone yet staying in a house full of people. She sees life with a different sight, and I see it at a different angle. She has never experienced the feeling of being unloved, the moments of feeling worthless and numb. And I wish she never ever experiences it. I wish, nobody does. She has a happy family, a cell phone and makeup items. That's her good life. She might have problems that she never shared with me but I can judge enough that she has no issues with her family. She always tried to make me understand with her opinions. But I could not tell her that her opinions did not fit here. One would rather say that it is not a problem. How is it not a problem? A child that grows up being ignored becomes a sociopath? Is it not a problem? I tried to find solutions. But it's been years, I found nothing much helpful. Each time I tried to fix everything, it got worse. Situation just worsens every year. Last year, when my elder sister Hailey tried to support me, a little arguement turned into a serious issue. But dad declared that Aceso is a liar. He even said that I am portraying him as a biased hypocrite so I can write a novel and I'm just a novelist. He did not even realise a single mistake of him when everything was talked about in detail. That was quite hurting. I wanted to tell them that I'm hurt. But I chose to stay silent. I told them late. I'm always late.
The thing that more disturbs me is that he blames mom for it. My mom, who totally depends on dad, who has no one on her back, who has no support except dad, he blames her for me being like this. He abuses her, beats her up and looks down on her. This all just breaks me down into pieces. This just drains my all energy. I feel like it's all because of me. That is so tiring. Having an abusive parent is one of the saddest fates. I have breathlessness attacks sometimes, usually because of anxiety and sometimes because of unknown reasons in the morning. A few years ago, I woke up of a breathlessness attack, and I asked my sister to get me water. I was not old enough to handle it myself. It felt so scary. She immediately went out in the lounge where dad was watching TV. She told him and he did not even say a word. Just gave her a blank glare and continued watching his news channel on the TV. That just broke my heart so bad, I never ever forget that day. Sounds weird? But that's how it happened. And later when I brought this up in an argument, he did not even justify his this action. Because he had no explanation. One thing is so true about my dad, when you talk about his mistakes, he will bring up all your sins from your past life also. I really HATE such filthy act. Justify your statements, give an explanation for your actions or admit your mistakes. A strong person knows how to feel sorry and admit mistakes. I don't want him to ask me for forgiveness, but at least, he should feel sorry, I will fix everything right. But he never realises that he even did something wrong. People get patience later after their father dies, but how do you move on from a father who is alive but does not exist for you? Being straightforward, my dad is just a sponsor for me. Because it's been years since I last felt that fatherly love from him. And it's been weeks, since I last talked to him. I've been beaten up by dad with every material including shoe, pipe and even hammer also. Why? Because I was ten years old and I had a male friend of my same age. I was beaten up so badly that I even get flashbacks, and I was not allowed to use mobile phone much. Because my studies, I was even restricted to certain hours of using cell phone. And today, my sister is just fourteen years old and she already had 1 ex and 2 boyfriends at a time and dad knew it all. All he did was that he restricted her studies to home. Tutor came home to teach her. She even embarrassed him in our street. She had a relationship with an illiterate useless guy in our area. He still did not do anything except that he just slapped her once in these 6-7 months of mess. She continued using her phone and nothing changed much. He kept talking to her and he talked to her so kindly. That made me jealous. And why shouldn't it?
But that should not bother me what he does to her or not. What matters is: what he did to me and what he is still doing. Forcing my studies upon me, to keep their pride up, they forgot to love me. They forgot to appreciate me. They forgot to reward me. Why every restriction was for me? Why every restriction is for me? And why shouldn't I call him a hypocrite?