Her Flaws

Chapter 03

We all seek love. Most of us find it in the family, others in their relationship and later, marriage. If I say about my dating habits, I've been messing around since school. I used to date a lot in search of love. I have nineteen or twenty exes at this age when I'm just a senior at high school. I'm not sure if that the last one was twentieth. People may call me characterless or whatever. I don't give a damn about what people say. But it bothers me sometimes that what I have done to myself. And stopping myself now, it's just too difficult. Not impossible. Because nothing is impossible. Even a human is capable of using 100% of his brain. How can something be impossible? It just needs strong will, sense of responsibility, commitment and focus. Ashley never dated anyone and she often used to swear at me, and she once adviced me this:
“I don't date. Do you know why? Because I found love in my family. My parents and my siblings. I don't need to look for it outside.”
Her advice had my answers in it. Even though she's my best friend, she doesn't know me fully. There's nobody who knows us better than us. To be more exact and unambiguous, I didn't find love at home. My mom loves me a lot. But there are other conditions as well. She's a house wife who has nothing to save herself but to support her husband. We all seek love from the opposite gender as soon as we learn to identify gender. It's commonly heard that mothers love their sons more and daughters are much closer to their dads. But in my case, my dad always used me to protect his pride. Because none of my siblings had an IQ of 120. I had it. He wanted me to become his pride so that he would showcase me in his relatives.
People know that I have bad terms with my dad. They don't know the reason and they say that I am a bad daughter, I am an ungrateful person. I'm not supposed to give clarification to every single person who criticises me. I'm a person of strong mindset. You can't change my perspectives. I take responsibility for what I say and I stand by it. I might become stubborn. But that's how I am. I don't judge people with their appearance or thoughts. Even thoughts are deep enough. Because there are reasons behind thoughts, behind perspectives. If you want to judge someone, know their reasons. Judge them with their reasons. Behind every action, everyone has a reason. Don't spit out shit being ignorant of someone's reasons. Because I've seen people make judgements of me. I've seen the portraiture of a wrong image of me. Many people left me because of this reason, that I don't respect me dad so I'm not worthy of their friendship. May be. I don't hold on to people. When I needed someone the most, I received disappointments instead. So I've stopped it. I've stopped holding on to people who don't understand me. I'm a considerate person. I'm more than just sympathetic. But when it comes to pity me, I'm the only one, standing alone yet in a crowd of noisy people. I don't feel bad if people say that you're a bad daughter. Ok. You're done with your lectures? Now go to hell, deal with your own business. If you can't help someone, stop burdening them more.
I sometimes feel that there's no reason for my existence. I once tried to kill myself. Nothing happened. I just got a high fever, nausea, diarrhoea and that's it. I got better within 48 hours. I regret that now, I just embarrassed myself. Even though, I get suicidal thoughts sometimes. But I tell myself about my goals. I have set some goals and I can't die without proving myself capable of achieving my goals. I have big dreams. I want to become self sufficient. I was born because of them so it's my parents' responsibility to raise me. I'm not indebted to anyone. I try to earn my pocket money myself by working part time. I don't ask them for big things. They just spend on me what they want and what they should. I don't feel comfortable to ask them that I want to eat outside or want to buy a dress. Once, we were on shopping at a boutique. I wanted to get a dress but my elder sister got my mouth shut and said that's not good enough. So I stopped asking for dresses. I even bought my first mobile phone on my scholarship money, meanwhile, my sister has got her second mobile phone with dad's money, and my other sister is using my dad's old mobile when she's just a middle schooler. And it's about last week, when I asked for a bread to my dad (after thinking thrice), he made a fuss of it that I don't let him eat peacefully. And now it's been a week he hasn't talked to me. Neither did I try. I'm not the one to apologize when I did nothing wrong. I believe, I might have apologized too when I was young, and I must have gotten such filthy results so I stopped saying that I was sorry what I did. Of what am I supposed to feel ashamed? I shouldn't have asked for anything.
I may not be given a reason to exist by anyone, and I may think that I'm a burden to others and I'm useless, I still need to convince myself that it is I who have given myself a purpose to exist. I may know that it's useless and I don't need to do this but I want to prove that I am better than my opponent. Opponent? Huh. She's not even competent enough to be worth fighting.
You might be curious what probably had happened and who is this opponent, right?