Pretty Boy

Chapter 4

Spencer's POV
The light bleeding through the blinds woke me from a two hour on and off sleep. I've been trying to force my eye lids from falling all night long. Sleeping has become something to add to my long list of fears. Sleeping is supposed to be a form of comfort, therapy even, but for me it was the exact opposite. Every time I shut my eyes I can see the blood on my hands, I can hear Nora Hale's screams echo inside my eardrums as if I were reliving it over and over again. I try to force the image out of my head, and push the soft sheets off of me to get ready for the day. The hard wood floor underneath my feet is freezing cold but feels nice. I walk to my bathroom to brush my teeth. I look down just to realize I've run out of toothpaste. What a great way to start my morning. I reach down underneath my sink to replace the empty tube. Suddenly I feel my hand sink into something cold and wet. Instantly, I pull my hand away, I look down to see my palm covered in blood. I pull out the red stained cloth and notice it was from my wardrobe. I jump when I hear my phone from the other room ring. I panic as if they would see me sitting here with my hands full of evidence through the screen. I quickly wrap the clothes in a towel and place them in a empty shoe box and set it in a large empty chest at the end of my bed. I answer the phone without checking the caller ID.
"Reid here." I greet. I couldn't help my voice from shaking as I spoke.
"Uh, hey Spence." I instantly realized it was JJ on the other line. I cleared my throat and sat back down on my bed.
"Hey JJ, is everything ok?"
"Yeah, I was just about to ask you the same thing. You sound off, are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." I lied.
"You sound tired did you get any sleep last night."
"No, not really." There was no reason to lie about that, anyone would notice the bags under my eyes with one look.
"Spence, you're going to need your energy for trial today." Trial. Even the word made me uneasy.
"It'll be ok JJ, that's what coffee's for." She chuckles with a slight ounce of worry in her voice.
"Yea yea, Garcia's probably gonna call in a bit to make sure you're ready for your doctors appointment on time, I'll see you when you get here after." Crap. I totally forgot about that. Garcia was supposed to pick me up in about ten minutes.
"Yeah, right I'll see you." I hang up and quickly brush my teeth and slick my hair back to look a little more presentable. I sigh at the sight of my dark under eyes staring back at me in my reflection. I run to my closet and pick out some black slacks, a dark purple buttoned down shirt, and pair it with a black tie. Suddenly I hear a cheerful knock that only Garcia makes, that puts a smile across my face every time I hear it. I grab my bag with everything I need already packed, and hurry to answer the door.
"All set sugar?" As usual Penelope is dressed in vibrant colors. She has red star shaped earrings paired with red heels and a sparkly light purple dress, alongside bulky rainbow colored bracelets and necklaces.
"Yep. Thanks for coming with me Garcia it means a lot." I flash a smile at her, she returns one back and weaves her fingers through mine.
"Anything for family."
We walk down to her car and I take a seat in the passenger. The vibrant colors all around me brightens my mood as we drive to the hospital. I have to be officially diagnosed as schizophrenic in order to prove my blackouts. Plus I need to know for myself that I actually have it. I know I carry the gene so it's pretty obvious why I'm having blackouts. We all know it but no one has said it out loud that it's even a possibility except myself. During the ride I gaze out the window. Autumn is my favorite time of year, I love to watch the leaves gradually change colors and the sunsets are especially beautiful in the mornings this season. My focus on the scenery is pulled away when the car screeches to a stop when the one in front of us abruptly pumps it's brakes. For some reason the sudden small event made my heart begin to race and my breath became heavier. I stared into space as I tried to calm down but I couldn't. It was like I was pulled into a void and unaware of where or who I was with. It was like I was looking at myself outside of my body.
"Spencer! Spencer! Are you okay?"
I quickly turn to Garcia at the sound of her panicky voice.
"What happened?" I ask with a slight crack in my voice.
"You were digging your nails into the seats and zoned out, I've been trying to get your attention for like two minutes I was about to pull over and call an ambulance." Her voice shook and there were dry tear marks on her face.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what happened I guess I just... blacked out." I run my fingers through my hair and place my face into my hands. She was really scared and I didn't even realize what I was doing. I could've hurt her just like I hurt Nora Hale. The scary thing is, I wouldn't have even been able to stop. I wouldn't even have known I was doing it.
-
We finally arrived at the hospital after what felt like hours. We got out of the bright orange, old fashioned car, and began to walk in. I suddenly stopped in my tracks. I don't know why I was so nervous I knew what my results would be, I guess seeing them on paper made it more real. More frightening.
"Hey, it's gonna be okay. I'll be right by your side the entire time, I promise." Garcia assured me. I asked her to come with me instead of anyone else because I knew she would be nothing but supportive and she was the only one who looked at me the same as she did before all of this, and I really needed that right now. She held out her hand and I took it.
"Thank you Garcia." I smiled and we walked in together.
We sat in the waiting room after the receptionist told us we will be attended to shortly. Garcia noticed my leg was bouncing up and down and squeezed my hand to comfort me. It was working until the doctor called my name.
"Spencer Reid?"
I stand up and I began to stutter.
"Ye- yeah that's me." My cheeks turn red as Garcia and I follow her to the room.
"Have a seat and please fill out this chart while I get the MRI ready for you." My legs began to shake again as I read the questions.
1. Have you been experiencing any insomnia or night terrors? Check.
2. Have you been having any blackouts recently or loosing track of time? Check.
3. Are you having any painful migraines or headaches for long periods of time? Check.
I basically checked every disturbing thing on the list. I knew what this meant and I was still dreading my results.
Garcia watched as I scraped the pen repetitively along the paper. She put her hand on my knee and reassured me that it was ok. Nothing about this was okay, but I smiled anyway. The doctor came back into the room and I handed her my chart for her to look over. She tried to hide her expressions but her body language not so much. I could tell she knew exactly what this was but didn't say anything about it. She just handed me a hospital gown and told me to meet her in the room across from mine for the M.R.I scan. Garcia waited on the small couch by the bed as I changed in the white tiled bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed how skinny I really was. I mean I knew I was thin but I'm pretty sure I have lost weight. Now that I think of it I haven't really been eating much. This hospital gown really highlights the fact. I grab my other clothes and set them neatly on the bed. I can tell Garcia noticed how skinny I was based on the look on her face. She tried to hide it but not very well. She hooked her arm around mine and we walked across the hall to the MRI room. The machine was large and white. There was a large glass window with computers behind it. The doctor walked in behind us and instructed me to lay down and be as still as possible. I did as I was told and Garcia stood with the doctor behind the glass waiting for the results.
"Remember to stay still so the results are as accurate as they can be." I heard the doctors voice through the mic inside the machine. I hadn't realized I was moving because my legs had fallen asleep. I've been in here for thirty minutes. I heard Garcia's voice through the mic this time.
"Just ten more minutes, boy wonder." I smiled. No matter how many times I ask them to loose the nicknames they don't. I secretly love them anyway but they'll never know that. After a long forty five minutes Dr. Loyd alerts me that the results are in. I exit the machine and return to my room. I change back into my original clothes. The doctor returns with the results and Garcia and I bring them to the car and I open them during the drive. They were positive for schizophrenia. A heavy pit falls in my stomach. Again, I knew this information already. I knew the statistics and I knew I was having all the symptoms but the realization hit me like a brick in the face. Garcia looked at me and saw the tears in my eyes. I wipe them away and put the paper back in the envelope. We drove to the BAU in silence. I just wanted to get through the day.
-
Garcia and I walk in the conference room. I look down at my hands as I fidget with them anxiously. Based on my face I knew everyone would know the results. It was no surprise and I didn't feel like talking about it.
"We're all going to arrive at court at the same time. I have to speak with the board during the trial but I'll make it back in time before it ends." Hotch says.
"The board?" I look up at him.
"Yes. You're a federal agent, which makes this a federal case. The board had to be alerted, otherwise we wouldn't be able to go to trial."
"Right."
"Kid, we know you're worried, so are we, but we have a plan. You just can't know all the details or it'll be harder for us to clear your name." Morgan assured.
"It's not that, I know you can't tell me, it's just I'm not so sure my name should be cleared." Even though they hid their reactions well, I could tell some of them agreed with me but others were horrified by the words that just escaped of my mouth. No matter what, I will have the same illness my mother has. I'll always be a threat and my normal life is already gone. Even if I do clear my name nothing will be the same.
"Listen, we know you don't trust yourself right now and honestly we don't one hundred percent trust you either, but we do know you are one of the good ones, and you don't deserve to be locked away. There's apart of you that is dangerous, and capable of terrible things, but you will get the help that you need to destroy that part of you." I look at Emily. She walks up to me and holds my hands in hers. She waves one of them to the team motioning them out the door. She walks with me down the stairs, through the bull pen, and though the glass doors. The team follows. We wait for the elevator to ding and step in as the two doors slide open.
We're going to trial.