Damaged - N.H.

29

A couple of weeks passed and I was starting to feel much better. Much to my surprise, it was only mentally, though. I couldn't say the same for my physical state. Morning sickness was pretty rough and despite the name, it didn't just happen in the mornings. Since Niall and I decided to wait on telling everyone for a few more weeks, I had to be pretty careful around the band and crew when it came to eating, because I didn't want them to notice how picky I had become and how nauseated I always was.

I spent a decent amount of time in the hotel rooms taking naps and reading about pregnancy. Niall used the excuse that I partied a little too hard the first few weeks and I couldn't hang anymore. He and I would still go out occasionally, shopping or sight seeing, and I would still attend his concerts most nights.

I was starting to become more upbeat now.Niall was pretty much over the moon at this point, and he was dying to tell everyone our secret. He respected that I wasn't ready and understood that I wanted to wait until I was out of my first trimester. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to tell anyone either, though. I so badly wanted to talk to someone, mainly Liz and Stacy, but I knew it would be better to wait. Niall suggested I tell Dr. Craton next time I video chat with him, but I wasn't ready to tell him yet either. I wanted it to be the right time for me, and it just wasn't.

I was sitting in our current hotel room in Boston, mindlessly staring at the television screen while Niall was off doing interviews. I thought about what I had read earlier in the day. I tried to make sure I read at least a little about pregnancy every day and today I read an article explaining that babies in the womb can hear voices and music. I stopped reading part of the way through, wondering if that applied to babies as small as mine, or if it only mattered when you were closer to giving birth and the baby was more developed. Either way, I couldn't help but think back to all the conversations I had with Niall about not being ready to be a parent. If a baby could recognize voices, could it also understand words? Could it pick up on it's mother's feelings? I burst into tears at the thought this, guilt crashing down on me like a tidal wave. What if this baby knew I was more scared than I was happy? It isn't his fault...or hers. Damn hormones. It doesn't take much to upset me these days.

When I finally managed to calm down and stop crying, I placed a hand over my stomach, sighing deeply.

"I don't know if you can understand me. If you can't, I probably sound like a total idiot, but that's why I'm doing this when I'm alone. Don't take anything I said personally. This isn't your problem, it's mine. I'm just scared. I don't want to let Niall down. I don't want to fail you, either. You deserve to have good parents."

I crossed my ankles, lacing my hands together and placing them back over my stomach as I relaxed into the pillows, leaning my head back and looking up at the ceiling.

"You don't have to worry about your dad, though. He's going to be amazing with you, I just know it. He'll be the best dad you could ever imagine."

Eventually I drifted off to sleep, only waking up when I heard the door shut softly. I glanced at the clock. I had been asleep for about two hours. Niall came walking in a moment later and smiled when he saw me."I figured you would be asleep."

"I was." I smiled back.

"Did I wake you?" He asked, his smile faltering slightly.

"Yeah, but it's okay." I replied.

"All set for the show tonight?"

He nodded, sitting down beside me. "You feel like comin' or staying in?"

"I'll come." I smiled, placing a hand on his bicep. "I need to get out of this room. I think I've rested TOO much today, if that's possible."

He laughed lightly. "I just don't want you to overdo it."