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Hello, everyone. Are we ready? Let's sit in a circle on the Reading Mat.
I said a circle.
Right then. We'll go with oblong.
Can any of you tell me what a rhyme is?
No? No one? Well, a rhyme is when two different words that mean different things sound almost the same at the end. Like bed, and red. Or... that's right! Cat and mat.
Guess what? Today... we are going to learn something called a nursery rhyme. Yay!
Our letter for today is H. Who knows what H says? No, Goose was yesterday.
H says HHHHHhhhhhh. Yes. Horse. Hay. Or... Old Mother Hubbard. Hear it? H-H-Hubbard. Maybe you've heard this one:
Old Mother Hubbard
went to the cupboard
to get her dog a bone.
When she got there,
the cupboard was bare,
and so the poor doggy had none.
Old Mother Hubbard... Right. Um... So this poem has the sing-song tempo typical of most nursery rhymes... It even has a dorky tune that goes with it. You'll also notice the way the a,a,b rhyme structure places deliberate emphasis on the third and last line – "to get her dog a bone," and, "and so the poor doggy had none."
Yes, children. That's right. Feel sorry for the dog.
What about Old Mother Hubbard? Grandma's living in extreme poverty. Let's sing a song about it.
How about another?
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells
And pretty maids all in a row.
Why is Mary quite contrary? Any ideas? Are 'silver bells' and 'cockle shells' and 'pretty maids' referring to flowers, or literal bells and shells and attractive cleaning women? Either way, what the heck does how the bells, shells and maids grow have to do with a contrary Mary? Does she not appreciate having bells or pretty maids, or flowers, or whatever? Or does the very fact that she is growing silver bells and cockle shells and pretty maids in her garden – which, to me, sounds like a mad science experiment gone horribly, horribly wrong – mean she's generally disagreeable?
Oh, here's a good one.
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her.
So he put her in a pumpkin shell,
and there he kept her very well.
What is this? 50 Shades of Children's Poetry? I mean... he's keeping his wife in a pumpkin shell. What would that even require? I'm sorry. Maybe my mind is heading for the gutter, here, but all I can think is "sedatives, and a lot of lube." All inferred kinkiness aside, why, if your job description is eating pumpkins, would you decide to marry anyone, much less an unkeepable woman? Women are to be KEPT? Excuse me?
That's not even the best part. We usually only teach kids your age the first verse because this is the second.
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had another and didn't love her;
Peter learned to read and spell,
And then he loved her very well.
So... I'm confused. Did this other wife come along after he kept the first one locked up in a pumpkin shell, or was this at the same time? Because from what I can see, the first wife is still locked up inside that pumpkin while Peter's getting a bit of side action.
Ok. Yeah. And a little education is all it takes to turn a psychotic, abusive, two-timing slimebag into a loving husband. But only for one of them. The other one is still IN THE PUMPKIN!
Oh dear. There's the bell. We've run out of time. We'll have to save Baa, Baa Black Sheep for tomorrow.
YOU ARE READING
How to Ruin Nursery Rhymes and Other Things
HumorIn which A.E. muses on the ethics of Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater, and other random stuff. Note: None of this is meant to be taken seriously. Note Note: Don't try any of this at home. At all. EVER.
