How to Ruin Nursery Rhymes and Other Things

Coffee: A Need

≈ Banner art courtesy of Javier Carrasco on Unsplash ≈

Coffee.

For some, it's a pleasant morning ritual. For others, it's something you use as an excuse to meet friends. "We need to do coffee sometime." 

For others, it's a signal that something isn't romantically serious. "It's just a coffee."

But... for a few of us... we don't simply enjoy coffee. It isn't simply a pick-me-up, or a way out of a relationship. 

No.

 We NEED it.

There is a difference.

For example, I NEED coffee so much I don't even know if it does anything to me anymore, I only know that if I don't drink it... Hey, I just know, ok, it's not like I have to jump off the Empire Building to know it'll kill me.

DISCLAIMER: I should warn you that if you don't NEED coffee, you might not understand much of the following. You may even find it disgusting, or, at the very least, disconcerting to get such a close-up view of someone who does NEED it. If you don't NEED it, I'm sure you are a decent, sane, well-adjusted individual who functions admirably in society. You may even be one of "those people" I eye with a pang of jealousy because you manage to make normal look so easy. But be aware, if you are capable of walking out of your house with both socks on, your keys, your wallet, and your brain, you have probably never NEEDED coffee. So, I guess you could see this as a learning opportunity; a chance to see how the disheveled and scatterbrained half lives.

For my fellow coffee NEEDERS... Maybe you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe you'll understand a little too well. 

Or maybe you're one of the "other people" who think they NEED coffee, and say they NEED coffee, but really it's just a token identity because for some reason you think NEEDING coffee is cool, like smoking dope or getting into fights at school. I hate to break it to ya, but if you get halfway through this and start gagging, you should walk it back and say you LIKE coffee. You might even be OBSESSED. No more with the NEED, ok? 

But NEED or don't, I'm not here to judge. I'm simply here to give you a chuckle, if not at me, then at yourself for bothering to read this.

So imagine, if you will:

It is morning. You wake up and realize you are standing in front of the coffee maker for no apparent reason. Do you: schedule your MRI and a Psychological Assessment that very minute, or – since this happens all the time – do you:

1. Search your brain for the reason you are standing in front of the coffee maker. Look down and realize you are not holding a cup of coffee at present.

2. You can't remember drinking coffee yet. You NEED coffee. Thus, you:

3. Turn on the Coffee Maker

   A. There's usually a button involved. Possibly electricity. (Plug it in, dear.)

4. Fill the Reservoir with Fresh Water.

   A. Fill the reservoir at the sink tap, then put it back in the coffee maker. Like a boss. Proceed to step 5.

OR...

   B. Forget to fill the reservoir. Stare at the empty coffee pot until it dawns on you that you can never get coffee out of a dry coffee maker.

        a. Assume the coffee pot is broken and Get out the French Press