To Capture A Heart...

Chapter 6: i know you'll be waiting, i'll see you again

13th March 2019

"Sorry Not Sorry debuts at number one on the billboard hot 100" i heard a recording on my phone making me gasp as my eyes water. no. fucking. way.

i squeal happily and stamp my feet excitedly. i decided to put a tweet out.
'my heart could burst with happiness right now!! omg i love you guys. sorry not sorry has debuted at number one on the billboard hot 100... and this is all because of  YOU! thank you thank you thank you. xxx'

harry walked into the living room making me look up at him grinning "i'm number one on the billboard charts!!" i jump up excitedly, when harry doesn't congratulate me or seem happy for me... i frown watching his face twist up as tears fall down his face "harry... are you okay??" i asked him softly.

he shook his head and wiped a tear away "it's fizzy...she-she's gone" he whimpered.
my heart collapsed as my breath git trapped in my throat "what..." i whispered
"she's died." he said as more tears fall, i immediately collapse to the floor and scream in horror "NOOOOO!!!!" i shake my head and rock backwards and forwards, immediately i felt harrys strong arms around me.

"why?! WHY?!" i punched his chest angrily as he shushed next calmly, not even flinching at my outburst. he only holds me tighter.

after what felt like hours of crying and cursing to the gods above for taking my sister away... i finally came back around to my surroundings. i let go of harry and moved back from the hug we embraced each other in.
"how??" my voice broke as i looked down at my legs, yet speaking to harry who was knelt beside me.

"she um— it was a overdose" harry stated heartbrokenly, i sobbed shaking my head. i put my head in my hands and cried a little more. harry started sniffling next to me.. he has always been close to my family, right from the beginning he became best friends with louis so he was kind of always around my family.

"what did she take??" i asked brokenly looking up at my broken boyfriend.. he wiped his face and shrugged "cocaine...Zainab found her bed, Zainab said they bought cocaine the night before so while fizzy was alone she must of overdosed on it during the night..." harry sat down next to me and sniffled. i cried harder. cocaine?? what the fuck! she was on hard core drugs?? how long for?!

the front door opened and in walked a heartbroken louis, i sobbed harder jumping up and running into his arms wrapping my legs around his waist.
"i can't believe she's gone" he broke down crying into my hair "i tried saving her! i did!!" i pulled back from the hug and let myself down... "what??" i asked breathlessly and wiped the tears away "what did you just say?? you knew??" i asked him with a croaky voice as my vision blurred.

"yeah..." he croaked back and nodded wiping under his eyes "she suffers PTSD, as you already know.. she has done since mum died, she started taking drugs after mum died to cope. it didn't get really bad until last year..." louis rubbed his face "she came to me for help, i sent her off to rehab in september, they let her come home for Christmas.. that's why she looked so thin at christmas back at home. she didn't want you finding out because you was on tour and she didn't want you worrying—"

i broke down and sat on the sofa crying, harry got up and pulled me into his chest.

"professionals told her to stay away from her suppliers, but she didn't. last night she got back in contact with them, she bought cocaine from him.. her and zainab did... they both did lines last night. fizzy—" he cried harder "fizzy did more lines than zainab when she went to bed.. she died in- in her sleep they think" he broke down. i cried into harrys chest. i got up and punched and slapped louis "you should of told me, i could of saved her!!" i shouted as i continuously hit him, he let me do it, he shielding his face from me but that didn't stop me. harry pulled me away kicking and screaming "I COULD OF SAVED HER!!!" i screamed harder as tears spilled down my cheeks. louis let out a sob "she didn't wanna be saved!! she didn't want to be saved anna, that's why she took more drugs!" louis shouted back.

"fuck you, louis!! i'll never forgive you!! get the fuck out!!" i screamed. he sobbed and left without questioning.

*a few days later*

when the post mortem came back they overruled any natural causes to Fizzy's death.. the toxicologist, who has been so helpful and understanding, said that there was "toxic" levels of Oxicodone, cocaine and Alphraxolam was found in her blood.
at the inquest, medics said that they found Fizzy's lifeless body laid out on the bed not breathing with vomit in her airways, medics tried to revive Fizzy with CPR but she was pronounced dead at the scene at 1:45pm, after just being in cardiac arrest for 54 minutes. the paramedics was called to the scene at 1:18pm.
at the inquest i came to learn that fizzy was not only taking cocaine but she took drugs like acid and MDMA.

i haven't talked to louis for a few days... i'm not mentally prepared for a conversation with him.
i haven't publicly said goodbye to my sister yet.. which i'm planning on doing today. i've chatted to my sisters, i had to tell little Doris and Ernest that they won't be seeing fizzy anymore which broke my heart. it broke my heart even more when Ernest questioned 'is Fizzy with mommy now?? are they angels together?' i smiled weakly with tears streaming down my face and i replied 'yes, fizzy is flying high with mommy. they're both angels looking down on us and protecting us'

"baby.. are you okay??" i heard harry ask. i look up at him as he was stood in the door way to the bedroom, he smiled at me softly with a cup of tea in his hand i'm presuming. he walked to the bed and handed me the cup of tea.
i nodded softly. i haven't really talked much since fèlicitè's death.. i haven't wanted to talk either.

"you need to eat.. you're getting thin" he said softly rubbing my thigh.. i moved my leg away from him and out of the corner of my eye i saw the hurt wash over his face. i grabbed myself phone seeing messages from louis, lottie, the little mix girls and other family members and friends.

i found one of my favourite pictures of Félicité and i— we was dressed in matching pjs smiling widely and hugging each other, it was from january time when we was in new york together for my madison square garden shows.

i went to post it on instagram and tapped the caption section and started to write out what i wanted to say.

"my silence is my broken heart not wanting to speak and hurt more than i already am💔💔.. fizzy, baby, i can't express how broken i am that you're not with us anymore. my heart is well and truly shattered, never in a million years would i have imagined this to happen😥 your electrifying energy always made other people have a genuine smile on their face! you was so bright.. so vibrant, so loving and caring. you were so selfless and only cared about other people, never yourself. 😓i love you with all my heart fizzy and i'll cherish all the beautiful memories i have with you, right from when we was little up until now....💖rest easy fizzy.. your legacy WILL live on, i love you with everything i have. thank you for the memories, thank you for the love, the laughter and everything else, thank you for being my sister you'll never know how much i love and adore you. you'll never know how much you mean to me and i'll do everything in my POWER to make you be proud of me, you and mommy!
fizzy, baby girl. i know you'll be waiting, i'll see you again😌💔i will hold you where my heart is, love from your biggest sister, Stasia xxxx"