Revisiting RadheShyam

The Eternal Truth

Kanha,

So much has changed in the past one day, and yet it all feels the same. My mind should be reeling from the effect of so many new feelings experienced so quickly, and yet strangely enough, I feel absolutely calm. As if I'm finally at peace. As if nothing else is required now. As if I've got whatever I've ever wished for, even more. As if the prayers I hadn't even made have been answered, all in a day.

It all started with a dream, wherein I was a four-year-old again, walking on the streets of Brij. You came along, held my hand, and I smiled at you for I don't know what reason. You smiled back, that sunshine-like smile that lights up Brij even today, and suddenly we were both not kids, but teens. Sixteen-year-olds, like we are in the present time! As crazy as it sounds, somehow it felt not like a dream, but a memory from the past. Something that has happened but is wiped out from my memory.

A lot of things changed after that transformation. Where should I even start from? Should I tell you that when you took me by the arm and led me to the heavenly mandap that suddenly appeared in front of us, you actually took me to a new life altogether? Should I tell you that the world around me looked more beautiful than heaven itself, and yet I couldn't take my eyes off my peetambardhaari varji as if I hadn't ever seen him before? Should I tell you that my hands were shaking as I put that garland around your neck, for I had never thought this moment would actually come? Should I tell you that when you did the same, it felt so liberating to be bound like that? Should I tell you that when my hand was given in yours, with a sacred fire and a whole crowd of divine beings watching and smiling at us, I wanted time to freeze? I wanted to hold that one hand forever, make all its lines of joy and sorrow and love and misfortune mine. I can tell you all of this, but I know you know it better than me. In the overwhelmed smile that never left your face, and in the pure happiness that radiated from your eyes, I saw my own inexplicable sentiments mirrored.

I was in such a trance throughout the ceremony, I hadn't even noticed how beautiful it all actually was. Like a festival in the truest sense, even more grand and jubilant than we had imagined. With all those god-like people dancing, singing, and playing more instruments than I knew existed, it felt like the universe had come together for our wedding. Well, actually it had, but I'll come to that later. For now, just know that I had the most fun anyone can ever have at their own wedding. You had too, right VarJi?

Also, the kheer was absolutely delicious, Kanha. After all this, I hadn't even expected it – but trust my personal chef to never forget. I've eaten from your hands so many times, but this felt so special, so new. Imagine, I was a newly-wed Vadhu being fed by her VarJi and was blushing so much I probably looked like a tomato. Thank god the wedding party had already left! In fact, everything felt so new today. We've walked by the Yamuna a hundred times before, arguing over baseless things or just ranting. This time was different. We walked hand-in-hand for so long in the forest groves, gazing at the Yamuna, talking about the more important things in life and life itself. After the dazzle of the celebration, it felt so calming. To be able to have a heart-to-heart conversation with someone who knows you better than yourself, how beautiful is that? This walk proved to me what I had realized earlier in the day – that we aren't just two 16-year-olds, we're eternal.

Similarly, the raas. I've experienced it before too, but only now do I realize it's true significance. I always thought it's an expression of happiness, a dance this cowherd engages in with his milkmaid friends. Today, I know it is as eternal as I am. I am as big a part of it as you are. It is a celebration of divinity on earth, a fusion of the temporary and the eternal, the coming together of the human and the divine.

Before I move on to the most important part of this letter, let me mention the shringaar. How many times have I blabbered about you getting me ready for the rest of my life? Now that you actually did, how do I put it into words? Of course, I'm already beautiful, as you know. But after "Krishn ke haathon se shringaar", I felt like a goddess. Like a painting that had just been completed by an artist's fine touch. Made and completed with so much love.

Kanha, let me now come to the biggest change of my life. All these days, since the time I first met you, I always thought that there's something more to us than what I know. That we have met before, in some other parallel universe maybe. That we are bound together by something that does not belong to this world. That we are something beyond Gokul's Kanha and his Radhey. Today, I know the eternal truth – that we are bound by the whole cosmic creation, for it is ours. The world exists because we do. We're the ParBrahm, the supreme reality from which everything else originates. The past, present and future – things that have troubled my human self so much, are nothing but mere instruments of our leela that goes on eternally.

Now that I know the truth, I would still like to be only Kanha's Radhey, the blue cowherd's milkmaid in this life. If this is all a game I have willingly chosen for myself, let me play by the rules. Let me give myself the luxury of being a human again, someone who can't see the future and has to live with the anxieties of the present. If today I decide to retain my entire true form, like you have, I would have the universe to think about. But in this life, Kanha, I would only like to think about you.

Yours always,

Radhe.