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Chapter 18: Over?

The Daily Ramen, April 22

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly international and political news column by Nara Shikamaru

A team of international sociologists have been studying various cultures to determine what the least discriminatory societies are on earth. Their answer? Wolf-packs. "Whether you're black, white, yellow, or blue, whether you're atheist, jewish, shinto, christian, or muslim… to the wolves we all just taste like chicken." When asked what this means for the rest of society, the man just shrugged. "We weren't looking for who treats people the best, just the most consistently."

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly local news column by Uzumaki Naruto

A local inventor excitedly revealed a new robot that is better able to mimic the emotions and responses of humans. "I programmed it to mimic the actions and responses of a stereotypical Japanese schoolgirl," the man explained excitedly. After seeing the robot, it was clear that it had the concept of being a cock-tease down to an art, preferentially selecting ridiculously short skirts and posing cheesily for photographs by bending over, sticking out its ass while not quite showing its panties and giving the 'thumbs up' sign. There are numerous investors lined up to take the robot to market. Exactly what market they will be taking them to was not disclosed.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

Occasionally, everyone likes to take a peek out their window to see what their neighbors are up to. Call it human nature. A particularly outgoing couple that lives across the way from me is generally more than happy to oblige and put on a show. Balcony sex is fun, but if you're going to do it, you should be aware of your own physical limitations. As well as those of your balcony. In one of their hot and heavy make-out sessions, 'Romeo' got the great idea to bend his very willing 'Juliet' over the railing and have at it. Unfortunately, the railing wasn't really made of sturdy stuff and the couple quickly found themselves tumbling over the edge. Luckily, they were only on the second floor, so the damage was minimal. Interestingly, there were seventeen nearly instant calls to 911 after they fell. The young couple now has an exact headcount of the number of voyeurs in the neighborhood... all just looking out for their well-being, of course. They get an 8 for romantic location, but a negative three for execution. Any sex that ends in unintended broken bones gets an automatic 10 point deduction.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

Remember when your mom told you to never pet a cat or dog that wasn't yours? How about 'never jump the security fence of a zoo to go eat your lunch with a man-eating tiger? Well, a dude in India forgot that lesson, climbing over a fence (despite multiple warnings) and swimming a moat to eat his lunch with the 'cute adult tiger'. The tiger was happy to have lunch delivered that day. I guess the guy tasted good with ketchup. And earned the title of dumbass of the day.

BAD SHIT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU - But at least now you know. Weekly horoscope by Aburame Shino

To the Horses - You know that friend that always says he'd 'never throw a friend under a bus just to get ahead'? The stars advice that you avoid standing with him on busy streets for the next week or so. You're both up for the same promotion. For my Rats - Your boss will need to explain to you this week that following your dreams does not in fact mean you should spend all your time asleep at your desk. To the Roosters - Your ability to convince your lover that you were NOT cheating is going to be severely undermined by the YouTube video. But the good news is, you finally are in a posting that got over 50,000 hits. Congratulations.