Give us our Daily Ramen

Chapter 14: Just Sex?

The Daily Ramen, March 20

OUR DUMB WORLD - Things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly international and political news column by Nara Shikamaru

Evidently the world ran out of interesting things to talk about this week when it became a global news headline that a Japanese zoo had to apologize after naming a baby monkey Charlotte in honor of the new British royal baby, according to local media. Each year, the Takasakiyama Zoo lets the public vote on what to name the first baby monkey of that year. And with all the news about the British Royal couple having their second baby, they picked Charlotte. And my question to you, my readers is: Who gives a shit? I mean really. Did nothing else happen in the world that week? Surely there was at least a car bombing somewhere. Or politician fucking around or taking photos of his penis. Nothing? Really? One of you go out and make some real news for me so I don't have to read this shit again.

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this. Weekly local news column by Uzumaki Naruto

A local man was overheard in a bar stating emphatically that his girlfriend had 'faked it' the previous night when she'd orgasmed. "She was clearly faking it. It looked nothing like the other times. I know she was just trying to get me to hurry up and finish." When asked about the night's events privately, the woman in question rolled her eyes and stated that it wasn't THAT orgasm that he should be worrying about. They had been dating for two months, and evidently this was the first one she HADN'T faked. Not surprisingly, the man had no further comment on the situation. Or the fact that she offered me her number for 'further verification.'

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

So when I asked my readers to send in the worst pick-up lines they'd ever heard used, I wasn't quite prepared for just how truly lame horny people could be. My only hope is that most of these lines were used 'tongue in cheek'. Because clearly whoever was using the lines to actually get play wasn't going to get tongue anywhere else. The lines appeared to come in 3 flavors: Flavor 1 - try to show that you're clever. There are a lot of these, plays on words, clever puns. For example: Did you buy your shirt at 20% off? Come to my place and you can have it 100% off. Flavor 2 - show you're sexually willing to do ANYTHING: You have a nice smile… can I sit on it? Flavor 3 - the 'brutally honest' lines: Here's $30. Keep drinking until I am good looking then come talk to me.

A survey of my readers shows that - unless these are said in an obviously joking, self-effacing fashion - none of them work. The highest success rate for scoring is still owned by the guy I met in a bar the other night, who was blessed with a hurricane tongue and just continued to lick the underside of his chin and his cheekbones periodically. He might not be the prettiest, but that boy never leaves a club by himself.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

Just because you're an activist doesn't mean you're not also a dumbass. If you're going to protest something and throw a molotov cocktail to 'express your stance' on an issue. Make sure you have a decent get-away plan before you get busted by the cops. More specifically, make sure you don't run into a busy street while trying to dodge the cameras. One unfortunate teenager didn't heed this advice, and now not only was arrested for 'public endangerment', but also has a busted leg. And Wall Street didn't even notice. Dumbass.