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Chapter 1: Grocery Store Encounter

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The Daily Ramen, September 20

OUR DUMB WORLD - Tiresome things that are going on in other places that you couldn't care less about. Weekly column by Nara Shikamaru

When a recent political poll in Japan revealed that voters are dissatisfied with the current tax rates in the light of excessive government spending, many politicians took note. Not one to ignore the needs of the public, our Prime Minister today took a courageous stand against 'unnecessary spending' by announcing a new policy that restricts the number of prostitutes public officials are allowed to expense each month to 'one go a week'. Senior level officials are still allowed unlimited 'servicing'. The House of Representatives and House of Councilors threatened to walk out if they were not declared 'senior level' under this new mandate. The classification is still pending. All progress on other issues ground to a halt until this matter is resolved.

IN OTHER NEWS - If you think you didn't care about Nara's stuff, you REALLY won't care about this crap. Local news. Weekly column by Uzumaki Naruto

Local artist claims to have X-ray vision as he insists I have no penis. Rumor has it he is trying to get in my pants to verify. When confronted directly with this rumor, said artist just smiled creepily and asked me to please remove my trousers. Judging by the number of nude male paintings hanging in his gallery, I am guessing that this approach tends to be fairly successful for him. He then applied to be a political cartoonist for The Daily Ramen. We are still waiting to see if he can draw anything other than pantless men, but his sketch of the Prime Minister receiving head from the House of Representatives really was quite convincing.

I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE - Seriously, people. If you don't know what you're doing sexually, can you please just keep it in your own bedrooms? Weekly column by Hyuuga Hinata

Last night I found myself occupied out back of one of Konoha's more popular night clubs. A short way down the alley from me was another couple engaging in sexual intercourse, where the man was taking the girl from behind. Now normally, I would give this at least a 7 because of the brazen nature of the act, and I mean... who doesn't like to get fucked with their clothes on pinned up against a dirty alley wall? But the problem was with the man's technique. He was taking her from behind, but penetrating her vaginally. With absolutely no clitoral stimulation, and no chance of hitting this poor girl's G-spot. And the girl was clearly one where clitoral stimulation was required. Her robotic moans clearly translated into "could you just hurry the hell up and finish already so I can go back to the club and find someone who actually knows what they're doing?" In the end, I had to give this couple a 3. Good idea, but poor execution.

DUMBASS OF THE DAY - Because some people are just so dumb, they really do deserve an award for it. Weekly award by Inuzuka Kiba

In Tokyo this week, a successful attorney of one of the leading law firms was showing off his corner office on the top floor of his building to a bunch of interns from law school. Bragging about his view, he told them not to be afraid of the height because the windows were 'rock solid'. To prove his point, he hurled himself against the window... and plunged 32 stories to his death. And this dumb-ass had graduated top of his class from one of the leading law schools. WTF?

BAD SHIT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU - At least now you know. Weekly horoscope by Aburame Shino

For all you 'year of the tiger' people, I hate to say it but you're going to be struck by a meteor. Why? Because you were born in the wrong year. The rest of us should be fine, but you Tiger folks should be sure that your wills are all in order. As usual, people born in the year of the rabbit are getting laid tonight. No news for the rest of you, sorry. Maybe next week.