If I Hated You

Shannon Beveridge

2019

Hi! My name is Shannon Nicole Beveridge. I was born in Perth, Australia and lived in Canberra, Australia before moving to Sydney where I am now currently lives. I'm working in an airline company as a Senior Operation Manager for about 2 years now. I started as a Telephone Operator for a year and went up to a ladder slowly up to where I am right now.

Let me walk you through my life so that you have an idea what it's like to be in my shoes. As you all know I was born in Perth, Australia. I grew up in a broken family. My father always getting married to any other girls or lets say every year new wife new life. My mother though never got married again after her failed marriage to my father but she is dating someone now. I have a sister named Casey who currently lives in Canberra with me and our mother but will gonna transfer to Melbourne to finish her college degree.

I am straight,  I tried to keep believing I am or let's say kidding myself. Actually I don't know as I can say this as I never had a girlfriend before. I know what I want just that I'm so scared to admit it to anyone even to my friends mostly my family. What will they gonna think of me right? It's easy for me to make friends and it easy for them to turn their back on me once they knew who I really am. I always feel like I have a disease that they can't get rid of right away. I lose a lot of friends when they know I'm gay so that I decide not to be close to anyone and open myself again to show them how vulnerable I truly am.

 I grew up criticizing by my relatives the way I wore clothes or how I never introduce any boyfriends to them, etc. They never seen me with a guy. I had crushes and experiences on both  gender, however, that experience is one of the reason why I steer clear to any girls in general. Someone make me taste something that she knows I will be craving eventually, then left me longing for more. The worst of that is she's my bestfriend and so I thought. I met her when I move to Canberra to start a new life with my mom and sister. At first I'm very guarded on how I act infront of her not because I had a crush on her which is none, just that when I decide not to make anymore friends I mean it. I did everything for her not to see me when they visit our house because her parents befriended my mother and she make friends with my sister. 

My mother and sister knows how I'm very introverted type of person I am its just got worse before we left Perth where I grew up because of what happen there which resulted us to move places. I did everything to stay away from her but unfortunately after months of almost pursuing me to talk to her and she just want to make friends I make way but we are not that close right away as I am not really keen on making friends during those times. Due to my mother nagging me to try again maybe this time it will gonna be okay. I kinda open up myself to her little by little. At first she always going to our house to hang out or she invited my sister which resulted by me being invited as well. Oh! did I tell you that this girl is a fashion designer not just ordinary designer but she design in a well known brand so yah! everytime they had a fashion show she invited my sister which she knows my sister won't say no mostly if it comes to fashion and she always tagged me with her. 

Then eventually the wall I built surround me crashed and I let her into it. I never admitted to her that I'm gay because even though the wall around me is gone, the fear inside me still there. We've been friends for a year when it happen. We are drinking celebrating her new line in their company which is very well receive by the shoppers, when she got drunk and I am kinda tipsy my mother let her stay for the night as it's not safe to drive home. She slept in my room as my sister by then already lives in Melbourne to pursue her college. She even got sick after awhile and I clean her up just to make sure she could sleep properly. Then I woke up in her kissing me. I thought maybe she just really too drunk to do that. I told her to go back to sleep as she will not like the hung over she will encounter in the morning. I turn my back on her so that we could go back to sleep then after awhile it happen again kissing me and telling me she's sober to understand what is happening and she will never regret it in the morning. Then she start to kiss me again. I'm very reluctant to kiss her back as I know she's my bestfriend and I already started to really trust her and also I know she's not gay because she has a long time boyfriend at the time.