If I Hated You

By loving you, I'm losing me every night

====still in flashback====

"come on Sarah pick up your god damn phone." trying to reach my girlfriend but to no avail it's keeps on ringing for hundred times as until now she's not answering any of my calls and I even sent her dozens of texts but I haven't heard anything from her. I'm so fucking worried that something happened to her.  "where the fuck are you!" keep talking to myself while still trying to call her. I can't remember when or what time I fall asleep but I woke up in someone's footstep. She's finally here I said to myself.

 "You're drunk!" I shouted at her. she just answer me in a shrug and a little smile. "shhh baby, I'm just a little drunk..little!." showing me her finger how little she was drunk while swaying back and forth. 

"Little drunk your ass! Where the fuck have you been? I keep calling and texting you and you're not even have a decency to reply to any of them! I'm having a fucking heart attack here any moment on how worried I am on what might happen to you the whole night." I shouted at her in full blown crying.

She stumbled on me and we landed on the couch where I'm sleeping awhile ago. "oh baby I'm sorry my phone just died I forgot my charger in my office, then my boss invited us for a little drink to celebrate though we haven't receive any feedback from the project we're doing." she tells me smiling.

"you should atleast let me know next time if you're gonna be late so that I  won't be so fucking worried that something might happen to you. I'm so fucking scared." still so mad for what she did, though feel bad on her state physically, her clothes is all crumpled and she stinks so much due in too much alcohol she drink. Then I just hear her snoring while laying above me. I just release a deep sigh for what happen tonight. 

That's the start of her late night shenanigans. Her boss invited her here, there or her colleague's throwing a birthday party and she's been invited on every party's her colleagues been throwing  that I lose count already how many it is. The worst of it all I never meet any of her workmates nor been to her office as she ask me not to go there without telling her so imagine my disappointment when she tells me that, coz what I'm super excited about us having a job is so that I could surprise her for bringing her lunch or us to eat lunch together and gossiping what is happening in our work place but it didn't happen.

After that night it got worse, where it come to a point that she didn't go home for a day, then out for 3 days, her alibi is that she needs to go out of town because of their branch is expanding to different cities. Me? A dumb and stupid me believe all those lies because I love her so fucking much and most of all I don't have any proof that she really is doing something behind my back that I know I will not gonna like. I keep on believing all her stories. So I put up with all her lies just to have her.

Another anniversary came no greetings, no good morning kiss, no texts or call, she didn't even got home that day. The surprise I made for her like candle lit dinner with petals all around our apartment is gone to waste. I made dinner, and poured a glass of wine, and she just never showed up. So, I just kept drinking the wine until I finished a bottle by myself. It's about that moment in a relationship where you know that something's going on, but you'd rather stay with that person because of the fear of what it would be like to be without them. When she came home after a week of MIA it's like nothing happen, like it's just a normal day. I feel miserable on the coming weeks that pass, we don't talk much anymore. She's always busy with her work and I'm busy worrying bout her that even my own job and my music is in jeopardize because of it.

The fight started after that, me nagging her where the hell she's been all night long. She started went home late every night. She always saying that she's out with friends, but I know she's with someone tonight. How did I found out? I checked her location to see where she's been all the time and only one location is been saved on her phone thanks on technology we can easily locate those people we thought is missing. 

So I put up with her lies just to have her because I'm so scared to be by myself. I don't know if I can be by myself all alone. She's always giving me courage to face whatever I'm facing everyday. I'm so fucking dependent on her so much that I can't breath without her by my side. So I'd rather hear her lies than to hear her saying goodbye to me. Because I don't think I can survive without her in my life.

That's when I decide to make a surprise visit on her work which resulted to be the one been got surprised when I found out that she's been in vacation for a week. It means everytime she go out in the morning she's not going to work but going to someone. 

I confronted her that night and it resulted to our first bad fight, saying words that even I can't fathom to say it to her and yet it's easier for her to say those to me. "what a bitch I am, Me always nagging at her and she was so fucking tired of me asking and checking on her as if I was her mother." All those times I never said anything, I don't say a word, I don't wanna fight. I keep quiet and just crying my heart out alone when she's asleep or gone in the morning........ where?  I don't fucking know.

By loving her, I'm losing me every night. 

====end of flashback====

I got startled when someone hug me on my side and when I look up I saw my manager John hugging and shushing me for what I don't know, then I just realized that I'm started to bawl my eyes out because of that horrible moment of my life. John knows how hard it is for me to go back and reminisce what happen. I'm all bawling now in John's that his shirt is got so soaked because of my tears. "there, there Cari! I'm so sorry, I shouldn't suggest you do that knowing you will be sad for remembering all of it." John's said in a sad voice while wiping my tears from my face.

"I think we should get away from here! Let's go back to your place to think, we will definitely give a title on that EP in different ways. Let's not go back there okay?!" he suggest. I just nod my head as I don't have anymore energy to answer him. Remembering all of those things can drain somebody's energy mostly mine. I feel so numb like everything that happen in the past still happening in the present.

When we got to my apartment we found Alex in the couch watching a movie with the guy I saw this morning. Jim? Jerry? god even names I tend to forget lately. "Hey Alex we're home!" I shouted at Alex. She's too focus on the movie that she's been watching that she didn't hear us entering the apartment. "Oh god Cari! you scared me!" she said while holding her heart and breathing so fast. I don't know if I will laugh on her face or what. I just continue walking towards my room while John's is tailing me laughing atleast one of us can still laugh as I don't have energy to even smile. "We will be in my room working on that fucking title on my EP" I shouted to Alex.

After many hours John and I reviewing the songs on my EP we decided to name the new title of my EP where it came from... New York and to the person who ruined everything we had, our plans, our relationship and for ruining me. "You Ruined New York City For Me". Once upon a time where my dreams are made of, dreaming that I will be getting recognition on that city thru my music, dreaming us together for our future. Us together forever. 

"We need to drink hard tonight John! drink this heart away." I blurted out to John.

"We really need a drink! let's go ask Alex if she wants to come so we can go to the best strip bar in LA." he said while dramatically roll off my bed to find Alex.

I just shook my head on him how he's so dramatic sometimes, but I love him nonetheless. "Go ask Alex I will just change my clothes then coming after you." I say going to my closet to change and clean myself out.

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Here's the chapter 3. Hope you enjoy reading my story. I apologize in advance if there's a typo error or my english/grammar is not correct.

Some wording in this chapter is came from the song called "If You're Gonna Lie" by Fletcher

Please do stream "Fletcher's" songs in Spotify and pre-order it on Itunes and Amazon her music is so rad. her vocal is amazing.

keep safe everyone. til next time. You will meet Shannon in the next chapter or the next. We'll see how it goes.