solace ≛

O Lord, I Need Healing

//verse 1:

Jehovah, I'm sorry if I'm indulging in all of this decadence.
Testified vigilantly chasing after plenty, prying to enter the kingdom.
Urgently needing your cleansing, equity lonely like my heart abused on my sleeve again. 
Refused, tragically ending.
Relapsing is only going to lead me into self infliction.
Releasing all of the above that's sporadically vicious on my consciousness.
All I want is to fortify until my feelings are ravished with no substance of evil stripping my bliss.
Unraveling the thoughts on my mind, ignoring the belligerence outside.
Ravish the testimony of pleasure I tend to question all the time.
The theme, I am a perfectionist, worried about if each line I use will be good enough to reach supreme.
Huge as an emporium, I ask for no fame since I see the glory is disguised with more hurt and misery.
I have been beaten down, suppressing my emotions knowing I need to confide to help when needed. 
Distressed, letting in demons taking over till I'm out of breath. 
Aligning myself to see how I can reconnect.
Disconnected, explosively determined, I'm not asking to present my character as arrogant.
Effectual damage, deterring the thoughts that keep me paving wondering why I worry about the world's opinions over how I say this.
It's art I form firmly just like my birth they question.
I don't wanna let anxiety allude to suicide.
Letter by letter, piece by piece, everyone deceives between my words even if I'm at defeat.
I feel like I used that before just now.
Descriptively profound, I like how everyone believes me, but their actions are contradictory and I don't know who to trust now.
I often forget where I started from the beginning, where do I begin if I'm lost wandering who is going to stay forreal? 
Losing concentration, an inconvenience that I let become a memory once it's drifted away so far.
Trying to expedite the process of sufficing all of the trenches I've been digging.
Overwhelmed by the passages I've passed with no one by my side.
Only God, and a few who stood to reside.
Companionship is hard for me now, compressing ideals that compel me to evade the area that gives me pain of extortion.
If you see no restoration, you'll see I've fallen short of interest in chasing what you chase that's not worthy. 
I wanna explore, before I endure expiration date.
I sedate with medication you don't understand with little inexperience you never would feel.
I've given up so many times, not myself again.
I have risen, and I just don't see the point of gaining the world and the pleasure is just temporary. 
Temptations ruined me, no where is peace I'm comfortable with. 
You will never comprehend the diversity of ideas that's a major discord to my health. 
As you emulate what I avoid on the daily that never helps. 
I take heed to the subtext that keeps me held in the word that you never mention. 
I'm worried about my existence and where I'm headed.
You never seem to think about the end times arising. 
You never see the attachment behind closed doors when I'm dying.
You probably are surprised by the feelings I harbor.
It's a habit I try to kill and you wouldn't bother.
As I sit here contemplating about how to fixate the jarring paradox around my mind space. 
You become arrogant and meritorious, colliding with the world and the fake woke that exposes supremacy over your decisions.
Like religions carrying paradigms that suggest conversion over their views on your behalf. 
Suggesting you give up yourself when my soul needs more healing that you can't give.
You're all so compendious, you never resonate with the depression that's an epidemic and you just suggest pills.
I pray for a resolution but it's not here.
It's so primitive, all the commotion over clout is so infatuated, I don't feel.
I don't feel the pleasure you get out things you can't take with you after leaving here.
You will debate me when I am done with conversing that will lead to more division.
I am trying to give more details to what I am feeling. 
You smoke and smoke and continue partying on  earth until you are repudiated from passing the threshold of holding faith. 
I'm done trying to renounce what you need to save yourself.
You let me down and I am giving it a rest.