Emotions

Mentally Abusive

"Don't wear that"
"Do you want other guys attention"
"You can't go out"
"Why are you showing so much"
"You can't have guy friends"
"I'm the only person you can go out with"
"Why are you so sensitive"
"Your extra for no reason"
"You're doing too much"

These words a boy I "loved" once told me
In the moment I thought it was because he cared
And because he loved me
When he was just being controlling
And mentally abusive
He made me hate myself more
He made me think I looked fat in certain clothes
He made me feel un pretty when I wore makeup
He made me feel like when I wanted to get ready it was for other people
He didn't let me share my emotions because I was gonna cry and he didn't have time for that
He made me lose all my friends
He was controlling
And mentally abusive
And here I thought it was "Love"

Love isn't controlling the other
Love is trust
Love is communication
Love is caring for one another and being there for each other
Love is love .

See this boy at the start would call me beautiful
He would always talk to me
He would always be there for me
He never once judged me
Keep in mind that was only the first month in.
After a while there were boys who will follow me and he would get mad and not talk to me
I would go out with family he would scream at me for it
I would wear a pretty dress , do my makeup , do my hair to boost my confidence and he said "I was seeking attention"
I was sad and he said "I don't have time for you and your problems"
I needed him and little by little he ended up never being there
He would break things off then come back only when he needed me , but when he was ok again he would let me go
He would say words to get me back

"I missed you"
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to"
"I promise it won't happen again"
"I love you"
"Your the only one I wanna be with"
"You and I forever"

See he railed me in with those simple words
Simple apologies
And there I was falling for it
Over and over again
Thinking he was gonna change
Thinking he actually meant it this time
Thinking he would keep his promises
The thing is they never really change
They just come back and hurt you more
They damage you more
And when there done with you
Your just gonna be the one broken

4 times I have fell for his words
4 times I cried myself to sleep when he left
Many more times he had me questioning my appearance
Even more times he had me crying alone

The last time he left I cried my eyes out for an hour
I looked at myself in the mirror and said "you aren't good enough"
"You need to be prettier"
"You need to be better"
"Why aren't you good enough"
There I was with a red nose
Puffy eyes
A pink face after wiping my tears off so hard
There was my 18 year old self questioning my worth
For a guy who was so immature
Deep down I knew I could do better
I just wasn't ready to let him go yet
I think the reason is because I was still holding onto the person he was when I met him
Not the person after that
I was remember the sweet him
The perfect him
I wasn't thinking about the darker part of him
The abusive part of him
And I promise never to put myself through that again
It was hell
No man should ever control you
No man should ever leave you crying
No man should ever make you rethink your worth
No man should ever bring down your confidence
Let's face it he isn't a man
He's a immature little boy

I guess life is a bitch
But it does teach us lessons
The hard way
But we all go though things that make us stronger in the end
Make us realize things
I know for a fact I'm a better person without him
I know I don't need him
He never deserved me
I was too good for him
I'm beautiful inside and out
I deserve to be loved the right way
I deserve happiness.