Emotions

Him.

I've always seen in movies when girls get heart broken
They cry it out
But they have there friends there beside them
And then a couple months later there fine as if it never happened
They see that person who broke there heart and they can act and talk to them like nothing
Like there was no history

When I was younger I never understood heartbreak
I never understood how much pain it was
How much it drained you
Because the closest I ever seen to a heart break was the ones on tv shows.
That's until I experienced my first one

I met a boy when I was 16
He was tan colored
He had these big dark brown eyes
This cute smile with lines at the end of it
Brown wavy hair
This laugh that just brightens the room
These big ears
And was tall and skinny
This was my first love

I fell inlove with him because of his laugh
His goofiness
His patience with me
How much he showed he cared for me
He would do all these corny things
He was there when I needed him the most
The way he looked at me was one of my favorite things
He was just perfect and I couldn't believe he was all mines

A few months go by and we meet each others parents
Another month goes by and we constantly start arguing
Over little dumb things
We were both young and it was our first real relationships
Everything we did bothered each other
We were both very jealous people
And it just wasn't healthy in any way

5 months later and still we keep arguing everyday
It gets so tiring when you argue with someone everyday
When you fight for the same things over and over again
When you try so hard to not let out how you really feel because of the other persons feelings
I myself one day just went off on him
I felt so bad after but In the end it felt good to let it all out

A month goes by and he tells me that "he wanted to focus on him because I was distracting him"
He made up a lame excuse and left
He went off like nothing
He left me like I was no one
He made me look dumb
He seen me cry my eyes out and still didn't have the heart to care

I felt as I had something blocking my throat
Started getting harder to breath
My chest started hurting
My eyes couldn't stop crying
My face was pink from trying to stop the tears so hard with my sweater
It felt like a piece of my world was just gone
A heartbreak I felt.

This wasn't what I saw in movies
This wasn't how easy they made it seem in movies
This was harder than words can explain
This is something I never wanted to go through again
It's been about a year and him and I haven't talked since
I see that he has moved on already
Me on the other hand
I can't stop thinking about him
I can't stop wishing I had him one more time
I can't stop wanting him
I want him
I'm scared that all the love he has ever had for me will go away like nothing
I'm scared he will fall inlove again but it's not with me
I'm scared to see him look at another girl the way that he use to look at me
I'm scared that he's gonna talk about marriage and having kids with her like he did with me
I'm scared
I'm in pain
How come things can't be like movies
Where they get over it right away
When in real life it takes you months or even years to heal from ones love
It takes you time to love yourself again
To find yourself again
And yet when you still try another relationship
Your scared to give it your all
Your scared someone will hurt you like your first love did
Your scared to feel that pain again
Your scared to lose yourself again
It's scary
You'll heal but you won't be the same
Not fully
But I'm strong and I'm better without him
Just was hard when my little self had to find out real life was never anything like shows