Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
____________________________
School passed like months, and here i am waiting for the bus to come, i arrived to my house, took of my shoes and headed to the living room.
Dad, my precious dad was sitting there watching TV, my father is the only person i can give my heart to without even thinking.
After my mom left him when he lost his job, he became better, closer and nicer to me, even if he was really sad, depressed and heartbroken, he just decided to stay strong and to even become stronger!
He took my hands and told me that everything was fine, even if it wasn't, he just wanted me to be happy.
"Why are you standing there like a statue, come here sit next to me" my father said with a big bright smile.
I sat next to him, my father's smile has always made my day, it always made me escape from this painful reality, it made me forget all of my problems!
"How are you doing anna? How was school today?"
Should i tell him, should i tell him that school is a living hell, that everything is so messed up..that-
"Fine, fine. This day was nice..." I faked a smile.
"Did you make new friends?"
"Dad, it's only my first day, i still have a lot of days to make friends"
He just nodded, but i could clearly see the worry in his eyes, i just tried to ignore that and finished the conversation.
"Dad, don't you have work?"
"Oh, yes my dear, gotta go prepare my self!"
__________________________
I went out since i was alone in my house, also my father is not there so i don't have to explain and tell him all the details about where i'm going to, why and how...ext
I let my self get lost in my thoughts again, it's really hard for me to avoid the voices in my head.
I found myself as usual in that old park bench.
What am i going to do with my life? Why does it have to be so freaking hard to find my own self? Am i really born to be a nobody...? Is that all! Guess i'm really pathetic as she said... Why do i have to care about their opinions? Why can't i just stop caring? Why is it so hard? Why can't i just be like everyone else? When am i going to change! Is it me who should change or is it my entourage?
I found myself in a sea of tears, alone, i'm too ashamed that i can't even hug myself.
I took my small black notebook, and started writing. Writing has always been something that helped me to arrange my messy thoughts.
"Dear me :
I'm writing this to you because i have no one to talk to as usual, it's really stupid to write to your own self, but you are all what i have. Nobody cares...No one notices my tears, no one notices my sadness, no one notices my pain, they only notice my mistakes... you know i'v changed a lot lately, and i hate that! I'm no longer that child who used to be happy without a reason, i no longer appreciate those small things i used to have. All I see today is sorrow, pain, misery, deception, inequity, lies and utter manipulation. Maybe i just became Greedy, i want more, more and more. I want more attention, i want more friends, i want more acceptance.. i hate it, i really hate it, but i can't control it." I wrote in my notebook.
Time passed so quickly, i didn't even notice, and how can i notice when i'm living in a very different world. It's night again, am i going to spend my whole life like this? Waking up, facing this painfull world, enduring all the pressure, hiding from the world and crying in silence without making any noise...
