I Hate You I Love You | K.th X Reader

Chapter 19

Taehyung pov :

I went to the kitchen now , thinking of some weird things , that never came my way before , that I never needed to dwell over before . I thought of how drastically I was being changed in that span of time , my brain , which usually had nothing much to think of , now had a gushing river of various thoughts flowing inside it .

With that I searched for something to eat and found a box of fried rice and soup in the fridge , and without heating them in the microwave , I just grabbed both the things , and a can of soda and stepped out of the kitchen .

Since y/n was laying on the sofa right in front of the kitchen  , my eyes caught sight over her as soon as I walked out . I was just about to ignore but ...  just then I realized that the weather was cold already , and ...she had crouched her self in the couch , probably out of the cold she was feeling .

I opened the cabinet in the launge , took out a blanket of there and went closer to her .

I stood inches away from her , trying not to be lost in that heavenly face again and .... just .... wanting to.... hate her.... What for ? What for Kim taehyung ? Who even is she ? Who even is she to hurt you , hunh ? Did she even commit about something , that you feel hurt after what she's been doing lately ? She slapped you and that's what you want to hate her for?  You just can't have any feelings for her , no ? No hate , no love ! Or you just want to hate her , to not to ....love her ?

But as soon as that last thought entered my brain , I stopped , thinking of all that stuff . Just unfolded the duvet , and carefully covered her body , stared at her for the last time ... grabbed my food and walked up the stairs, to my room .

Y/n pov:

' I could do nothing but run ...just run ... as fast as I could , and as far as I could go . I was drenched in sweat ... and struggled hard to breath , my hair all a mess , my heart beating faster than ever , and my mind working hard to prepare me ...for the end of my life ....for my .... DEATH ... And there came ,  a thick huge bullet my way, fire all around and ....I screamed out of the dread , and felt as if someone tried to strangle me too and just then , my eyes exposed an  unclear figure to me and  ..... and I screamed again as it came close to me and then my eyes flung open , revealing the reality to me ...

"Hey ! Wake up ! Wake up y/n ! Are you alright ?"  I heard someone saying .

It...it was ...a ..dream ...a night mare !???

I was still out of senses ,panting hard , sweating like a piece of  cloth soaked in water ,  crying like I'd never did before and just when I looked around ,I found   Taehyung sitting next to me , trying to calm me down ...he had held my face , caressing my cheeks. And I could feel his fingers gently wiping my tears away... I felt... his warmth being engraved in my soul... his concerned gaze ...calmed me down....his eyes ...lost in mine all of a sudden ...his mouth ...no more letting any comforting words out ...and hands ... still lifting my face .

I kept staring back , not caring if he'd misunderstand ... or maybe
understand something ...

And then in an instant , I felt like recalling all I just went through and couldn't control my emotions anymore , and just broke into tears again . And I could see how taehyung's eyes turned to all worried and tensed watching me act like that . I dropped my face downwards and kept crying it all out . He then came even closer and his hands gently approached my face and he tried lifting my face to see him and as soon as I did , he opened his mouth to say something , but watching me being that fragile ....he pulled me towards him for a hug and ...his warmth made me cry even more ...

"Cry it all out y/n . Just cry it all out .... There's no use of letting it stay in and eat you inside and out someday . Speak it all out . I.....am here to listen to all you have to say , all you want to say ."

.... And I....just shut my eyes ....and hugged him even tighter....the dense tears speeding up ....and an ocean of emotions  , arousing inside me . But his words....were a thing ...which could somewhat console me .

I felt his hands gently , running through my hair , making my heart leap fast ... and I finally spoke up.

"Why ? Why does it happen to me ? Why is it happening to me all the time ? Why do I have to live life this way ? Watching people ruining my life and living their's as beautifully as they can , hurts me . Don't I have a right to stay happy ? Am I born to get cursed every single day of my life ? Am I born to be reminded everytime that I'm nothing but trash , a burden over people , I'm of no use? Even if all they do is use me and then throw me away ? I feel like not even God loves me . I have to face so much everyday ! Is it my fault that I've got no one to guard me? Is it my fault that those who should have provided shelter to me , left early, left me alone in this cruel world ? I sobbed ..." The day , doesn't allow me to live my life the way I want . The night , brings me back to this dread , these nightmares , donot allow me to even sleep peacefully . Everything just reminds me of the dreadful past
... I can never forget about . Everyone hates me .. even you hate me ," and just when I said that , his hands stopped caressing me for a while , but I continued , "but...you're right with that , don't I hurt you everytime?  All I hear is people throwing taunts over me , smashing me with the endless scoffing . What do I do except for having an urge to kill myself ? I don't want to live this life  . God knows why I'm still alive . I wish they took me with them , or ... I wish I could have burnt in that fire and died , rather than facing all this today . Or I wish I die in the coming second ...."

I ...just cried it all out.. said what I wanted to , screamed everything in my burning heart out ...but those tears ...were ... endless . They'd been trapped inside me since so long ...and .... I never knew when ... they'd end falling .

But as soon as I let all those words out ... Taehyung's hands , gradually touched my face . He lifted my head up , to make me see him and just when I was busy crying , he told me to look at him , and when my eyes reached his face , both his hands held mine and he first wiped all my tears away and said ," Did I ever tell you that I hated you ? If I'd hate you ... I'd probably never try getting  into your matters . I'd never try helping you ... I'd never try letting out words to console you , to comfort you . That's just the issue , you make your own assumptions , you donot know when and who to have trust for ! This world is brutal y/n . No one is loyal . You've got snakes all around you . And ..... I always knew that there was something that was wrong ... I knew something had happened to make your soul that delicate . Your face , always showed it ... but I never knew that you were this broken ... I never knew about this fire burning inside you ... And ... I ... Donot hate you y/n ...I donot hate you ."

I could already not control my emotions and ... those gentle words made me cry more ...

I looked down and his hands left my face . My eyes threw a little too many tears out and  yes ...I was still in pain ...the pain which was the part of my fate...it was written in my fate and it had to be there at any cost ...but I always felt like I was a broken soul ...the one who had no reason for it's existence .

Taehyung bowed a little down to reach to my face , I tried my best not to let him see that I was still not out of it , but I failed  with that ... and said ," It'll make you feel a little dramatic of me , but I- .... I cried bad again and carried on ....wish that you'd understand me . " with that , I stood up and just when I was about to walk away , he gripped my wrist and ....