The Thought Of Her

:11:

His POV

It's been 6 months since we got divorced . I was technically a free man . I've slept with so many woman after she signed those papers .

I was sleeping with this woman earlier but I didn't feel anything. As if it was all losing feeling . These random women aren't filling my satisfaction anymore . I was frustrated .

I went out and felt numb . Nothing not even parties took away this inescapable feeling .

I was going mad . I was supposed to be a happy man after leaving her. I was for 3 months but then everything lost meaning .

I come home to an empty place every single day .

I'm tired of it .......

The house that was once a home was missing life .

I used to come home from long days at the office to the smell of dinner being cooked . The vanilla candles burning slowly. The aroma hit as soon as you opened the door .

It felt warm .

Everything felt comfortable at one point . It felt peaceful.

I grabbed my phone and called 40.

Ring!

Ring !

Ring !

"Hello ?" He responded.

"Any update on her ?" I said hoping for a new answer other than no and sorry .

"It's like she went ghost mode . I'm sorry man no sign of her ." He said . I immediately felt defeated.

I hung up immediately.

Where could she be ?

I saw a package that came earlier sitting on the coffee table . I grabbed it and opened it . I found a letter and a key . I looked for a name on the package and nothing. I opened the letter and I felt my heart drop .

I know this is probably violating some sorry of divorce agreement you might've put in the papers, but I just wanted to give you this .
This key is the key to what was supposed to be our home . Yes our home . I had it built for 3 years secretly . It was your birthday gift . Sadly you had other plans that day . I tried to show it to you but you left . I cried that day waiting for your arrival. I was tired of the humiliation that I snapped at you . I brought up divorce knowing damn well that wasn't what I wanted . I just did it out of pure frustration and loss of hope . I had the house made to see if you could notice how much I loved you and wanted us to be together. I was up countless nights just making sure it was perfect . To my surprise when I first saw it nothing could've changed my mind . The house was just more than words can describe. I imagined a house like this for you and I to have our kids in and live comfortably. I made sure it catered to your every need . It's basically what you always dreamed of . I'm sorry for our marriage tearing apart . I know you weren't ready. I saw it on your face when you proposed to me . I just didn't know it was gonna destroy such a beautiful relationship. It hurt me like hell finding out that you wanted a divorce . I drank for 2 months straight . Pure pain was the cause of that drinking problem. Until I met up with an old friend. They gave me the idea to visit every place we spent a memorable moment together and leave the item we have from that place as a way of setting peace and to slowly let go of you and all the memories we shared. It's going to be as if we were strangers again. New starts. And I know you're probably doing better without me and I'm so happy for you . You know watching you smile at life was my favorite thing about you . That big beautiful smile that once captured my attention at the grocery store where we first met .  Your gorgeous eyes that glow as if they were the brightest stars . I swear I could never get tired of that view .  Now I just sit and wonder what happened to that man . Why did you change ?  A question I will never know the answer to , but it's fine as long as you're in a good place .  I loved you from the day you took me to that small diner in Toronto and I loved you the day you decided everything was over . I hate to admit it but I loved you even when you came home and I knew you cheated on me . It hurt so bad ,but I loved you .  My Aubrey was in there somewhere that last time I saw you .  He was just put to rest .  Oh how I miss him so much . My soul cries every night knowing you won't come back to me . I just have to come to terms that the love of my life doesn't love me anymore.

Ps. I still wonder what a whole life with you would've been like .

I felt as if my heart was stabbed a million times . Tears began falling on the paper . I set it down on the table and just sobbed uncontrollably.  I got so angry at myself that I began throwing things across the room . I began punching the wall out of frustration.  Everything began hitting me at full speed I couldn't control myself.

I just  fell to my knees .

What have I done ......

"40 she's gone  ! She's gone 40!! I let her slip away!" I cried through the phone .

"Calm down ." He said .

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CALM DOWN WHEN I JUST LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!" I was so angry at myself.

"I made her feel worthless. I made her feel that she wasn't loved . I humiliated her . I was unfaithful. I pushed her away when I knew I needed her the most ." Tears were just streaming down my face .

I threw my phone across the room watching it break . I didn't care .  I didn't care anymore. 

I got rid of the only person that loved me more then they loved themself  .