sincerely; | namjoon

seventeen

namjoon gathered up and arranged the papers so that they were dated correctly, then handed them to me in a neat pile.

"are you sure you want me to do this?"

namjoon's holding out the pages of his diary to you, eyes softer than usual, fragile. "i'm sure, y/n."

you take a deep breath and take the pages from him. steeling yourself, you take the papers. namjoon sits across from you.

okay.

june 3, 2019

dear diary,

     whew! i'm so sorry i've been gone for a whole month. that's crazy. i've just been...well...busy. i couldn't help it! calla's my girlfriend now! my girlfriend.

this whole past month has just been...indescribable. i've never been loved like this, but i assume this is what it feels like.

sincerely; n.j

june 9, 2019

dear diary,

     i know i'm just being paranoid but...something seemed off with calla today. it's just my mind. i'm sure of it.

sincerely; n.j

june 15, 2019

dear diary,

     i don't know if i'm being so paranoid now. she's not only coming home later than usual, she's getting extra income all of a sudden, and she won't let me touch her intimatley. it's...it's nothing.

right?

sincerely; n.j

june 23, 2019

dear diary,

     i finally confronted her.

she just...shied away. never gave me a straight answer. i'm scared. what did i do wrong?

sincerely; n.j

june 28, 2019

dear diary,

     i cornered her, and..i admit i could have done it better. but, i'm confused and upset. don't i deserve an answer?

anyway, she said that "i've been visiting my brother who just came in from out of town."

thank goodness.

i thought she might've been cheating on me for a second. but why did i ever think that? that's not calla, i..i know calla. my calla. i need to trust her.

sincerely; n.j

july 5, 2019

dear diary,

     we went to a fair yesterday for the 4th of july. it was amazing. i couldn't even remember what i had been worried about. all that i remembered was how lucky i was to be dating such an amazing person.

i wonder if she'll say yes...

sincerely; n.j

july 13, 2019

dear diary,

     calla went to hang out with her brother for the day so i was home alone. i asked to meet her brother but she said he gets anxious around new people, so i'll wait a bit.

i called jimin today. he said he was happy for me. he sounded a little unsure but i'm positive he's happy for me. who wouldn't be? i've got a breathtaking person by my side.

sincerely; n.j

july 26, 2019

dear diary,

     wow, i keep leaving this diary. sorry! i've just been so busy. with my job and planning out a surprise for calla, (and many other things i'm balancing) it's been exhausting. i promise i'll updaye more though.

sincerely; n.j

august 9, 2019

dear diary,

     i told jimin about my plan.

he...he hesitated. i could see it, hear it, feel it. why?  i'm so, so sure of this decision. how dare he be suspicious or even think that calla and i wouldn't be good together? i haven't...i haven't felt this happy in a long time.

i don't want to be alone again.

i don't want to feel that pain again.

sincerely, n;j

august 16, 2019

dear diary,

     finally. i have absolutely everything prepared.

the ring is so beautiful.

sincerely; n.j

august 24, 2019

dear diary,

     tomorrow. i'm doing it tomorrow. i have everything planned out.

this will change my life. i'm so ready.

sincerely; n.j

august 26, 2019

dear diary,

     i...i don't...

i saw them.

when i was making sure the flowers were ready. through the window of a coffee shop. her brother. holding hands. kissing.

why?

sincerely; n.j

october 29, 2019

dear diary,

     i haven't spoken to a single person since that day.

when she came home i...i confronted her again.

but this time...she didn't deny it.

she packed her things and left within a day.

am i worth that little?

sincerely; n.j

december 25, 2019

dear diary,

     i'm drowning.

sincerely; n.j

and that's all there was. the diary ended there. the last 5-6 pages were covered in droplets of tears. you looked up, crying, to see namjoon, smiling sadly and crying too.

"about a month after christmas jimin finally broke in here. dragged me out of bed, forced me to eat, and made an appointment with a therapist, min yoongi. i was happy to see it was a friend." his eyes were broken. you hated it.

"namjoon..." he looked at you. "you deserve everything. and i don't know if you still feel worthless, or not enough, but i need you to know it's not true. i need you to know that even though she may have broken you, i can be the one to make it right. i'll be your sun, namjoon, i'll be your moon. i want to be your everything."

namjoon was sobbing now, covering his mouth with his hand. "you.." he choked out, and you took your hand in his. "you make me want to live, y/n. not survive, not exist. live. i want to be your everything too."

you got up from the table and launched into each others arms, weeping.

and you truly meant what you said, he deserves everything.

and you were going to give it to him.